Friday
Moderator
Recognizing a pattern gives you the power to change your part in in. It also means having the ability -or learning how- to prioritize.But I’ve always felt ready intellectually to do this deeper, harder work. I just fail when we actually try! Because I get very defensive/defended and then go silent. Or we end up in a rupture!
”Wasted” time
- Not answering fully & completely when asked how your week was, but narrow your focus to the most important part: “I’ve been looking forward to starting on XYZ!”
- If unwilling to shift focus off the present & alter the 30 minute chat ritual? Book 90 min or 2 hours sessions, or twice a week.
- Et Cetera
Ruptures
- Be willing to set aside your hurt & upset about whatever kerfluffle is currently up to bat, because the work is more important.
- If unwilling/unable to set it aside? For every session spent on your hurt & upset, book 2 sessions to make up for it, rather than continuing on like normal.
- Et Cetera
You may notice the first option is decision based, IE assuming you already have the ability to prioritise by making decisions about what’s most important to you, and following that up with action.
The second option highlights the desire to be able to, and accounts for needing to account for it, and make it “special”. Like a swear jar, and putting a dollar (or 5, or 20) in every time you swear. The extra sessions are expensive and time consuming, as you’ll be paying for & attending 3 sessions instead of 1
IE part of breaking a pattern isn’t just wanting to be doing things differently, (option 1) but also coming up with a backup plan (option 2) for if/when the pattern reasserts. That can look a whooooooole lotta ways. I used an increased time&money option for 2, because
- most people are short on either or both, so it would mean it would have to be reeeeeally important to you to make that push… & as such starts training the awareness & ability to prioritise whether you want to have a chat/row, or do the work
- it’s a “have your cake and eat it, too” method of a) getting what you want instead of a sidetrack existing in and of itself (work, sidetrack, work, sidetrack), which starts nullifying the avoidance aspect. As the ritual or rupture isn’t a break from the work. Instead? It only increases the amount of time you’ll be spending on the work
But that’s only 1 of dozens and dozens of ways to change your part in a pattern. (Hence The Et Cetera)
- Not answering fully & completely when asked how your week was, but narrow your focus to the most important part: “I’ve been looking forward to starting on XYZ!”
- If unwilling to shift focus off the present & alter the 30 minute chat ritual? Book 90 min or 2 hours sessions, or twice a week.
- Et Cetera
Ruptures
- Be willing to set aside your hurt & upset about whatever kerfluffle is currently up to bat, because the work is more important.
- If unwilling/unable to set it aside? For every session spent on your hurt & upset, book 2 sessions to make up for it, rather than continuing on like normal.
- Et Cetera
You may notice the first option is decision based, IE assuming you already have the ability to prioritise by making decisions about what’s most important to you, and following that up with action.
The second option highlights the desire to be able to, and accounts for needing to account for it, and make it “special”. Like a swear jar, and putting a dollar (or 5, or 20) in every time you swear. The extra sessions are expensive and time consuming, as you’ll be paying for & attending 3 sessions instead of 1
IE part of breaking a pattern isn’t just wanting to be doing things differently, (option 1) but also coming up with a backup plan (option 2) for if/when the pattern reasserts. That can look a whooooooole lotta ways. I used an increased time&money option for 2, because
- most people are short on either or both, so it would mean it would have to be reeeeeally important to you to make that push… & as such starts training the awareness & ability to prioritise whether you want to have a chat/row, or do the work
- it’s a “have your cake and eat it, too” method of a) getting what you want instead of a sidetrack existing in and of itself (work, sidetrack, work, sidetrack), which starts nullifying the avoidance aspect. As the ritual or rupture isn’t a break from the work. Instead? It only increases the amount of time you’ll be spending on the work
But that’s only 1 of dozens and dozens of ways to change your part in a pattern. (Hence The Et Cetera)
You already know the
- What Happened (chatting, silence, or a rupture)
- Why It Happened (habit, defensive, resistant, avoidance)
All you need is the
- At least 2 things you can do differently when it happens next time, (because there will always be a next time!)
- Ways to put things to rights (like not beating yourself up over it when you catch yourself in a pattern, methods to stay aware of the patterns, rewards, reality checks, anything else useful to you both in the now, and as you go through the process of changing how you do your side of things).
Last edited: