notdoneyet
Learning
I hope this is the right place to post this, didn't know where to fit this.
I'm really on edge rn, idk what's happening anymore, there's been so much shit piling up the last week and idk how to handle it anymore.
I've been trying to pick myself up again and again and not give up but I CAN'T anymore.
Idk anymore.
Sorry I think my thoughts are a bit all over the place, but what hit me most was that I lost two people I considered very close friends (basically got ghosted and blocked out of nowhere) in such a short time that all my self hatred is about to come out again.
I already relapsed with sh a few days ago and now I am honestly scared to fall back into all my self destructive behaviors to punish myself aka cutting, throwing up (i have an ED that i just recently managed to get mostly under control) sex with strangers that leaves me feeling absolutely disgusted, to just name a few, I already threw up because I feel so overwhelmed, I'm panicking and spiraling like crazy.
Idk what I'm trying to say with this post, I'm just trying so goddamn hard not to see myself as the bad guy rn, I know healing can cause you to lose people but what if I am the toxic one??
I'm really on edge rn, idk what's happening anymore, there's been so much shit piling up the last week and idk how to handle it anymore.
I've been trying to pick myself up again and again and not give up but I CAN'T anymore.
Idk anymore.
Sorry I think my thoughts are a bit all over the place, but what hit me most was that I lost two people I considered very close friends (basically got ghosted and blocked out of nowhere) in such a short time that all my self hatred is about to come out again.
I already relapsed with sh a few days ago and now I am honestly scared to fall back into all my self destructive behaviors to punish myself aka cutting, throwing up (i have an ED that i just recently managed to get mostly under control) sex with strangers that leaves me feeling absolutely disgusted, to just name a few, I already threw up because I feel so overwhelmed, I'm panicking and spiraling like crazy.
Idk what I'm trying to say with this post, I'm just trying so goddamn hard not to see myself as the bad guy rn, I know healing can cause you to lose people but what if I am the toxic one??