helbredelse
Learning
I posted before in other threads that my fiancé left me out of the blue about six months ago basically telling me that he's been unhappy for months, he wanted to live on his own, to not be in a monogamous relationship, and to go back to a certain lifestyle from years ago before we were together. I didn't see it coming. That event triggered a bunch of my deep core issues/trauma, caused more trauma for me, and so on. To say it's been really rough for me, feels like a huge understatement.
I recently discovered he's an addict. More specifically without going into details and from what I understand from my therapist, it's a type of sexual addiction rooted in deep childhood trauma. So while it explains a lot, it also hurts a lot. The type of lifestyle he left me for is actually a stressor for me because someone tried to force me into it when I was a teenager and certain evens from that traumatized me. So it hurts on different levels. Although "hurt" seems like a cute word for how I feel. I'm not sure what the right words are.
A long story short, I saw with my own eyes recently that a woman from that lifestyle claims to be living with him. She came across as very aggressive, mean, and just a "nasty" type of person. She looked to be old enough to be his mother and well, I have a lot of not nice words to describe her that I probably shouldn't get into. She said she lives there now with him and she came across as very condescending which didn't help. So much for being on his own. My therapist told me that he even though he says he wants to be on his own, he can't be. He "needs" to be with someone. When she answered the door with a collar on and this smirk, I completely lost it. I thought he would answer the door. I didn't know someone was living with him. I went over there to give him back something I thought was important. He never once said one word. I know he was there because I saw him briefly on the balcony but then he went inside. I think he was behind the door. She did all of the talking (threats). When I saw her, it was like someone else took over me and I went into a rage. I know now that was the trauma and it took me back to when I was a teenager and was traumatized from what someone did to me. The collar, the black hair, and that smirk just sent me over the edge. It felt evil, if that makes any sense, and that I had to destroy "it", not her... "it". Luckily the police were not called and no one was injured despite her threats. I ended up at a good friend's house and had a really good and very long talk. I also had an emergency session with my therapist.
I'm on new medication to help reduce the intensity of the rage-y episodes hopefully making them more tolerable so I can process and deal with it all in a healthier way. I've also gone 100% no contact with him as of yesterday. I have no reason to ever talk to or see him again. That includes all phone numbers, social media, email, and so on. I have an agreement with a good friend that I will call her immediately if I ever feel an urge to go to his place ever again. My therapist mentioned trauma bonding and to not get sucked into his vortex of "bad stuff". So I have a lot more work to do on myself.
I suppose it's good that now I seem to be crying a lot more instead of raging. I've learned that my rage is masking my grief, pain, and hurt. So when I feel rage, I need to try to bring it back to my heart and find out what I'm really feeling. So far it's been a lot of grief and it really hurts. I also have a burn journal for writing down the really bad stuff that's been resurfacing lately that probably shouldn't be in my normal journal. So I can at least get it out of me.
I have to accept that I have lost him for good. I know that I need to learn from this so I don't repeat it. He made his choice and there is nothing I can do about it. I know he has some serious health issues and he may only have a few years left. He seems to be self destructing based on what I know. If that is how he wants to spend it, then I can't stop him or do anything about it. I have to "cut the cord" completely to save myself from being sucked into that mess because it will destroy me if I let it. I also have children to raise and protect. They have no idea and it's probably best they don't know. All I've told them so far is that he won't be in our lives anymore and they seem okay with that so far. Thankfully they are not his children.
I've also learned that I'm addicted to emotional pain which is why I seem to keep subjecting myself to being around him when I know he's not good for me anymore. Got to love trauma bonding and biochemical addictions (hope those are the right words) from 40 some years of abuse and trauma. I've been journaling and going to a support group weekly as well as other things these past months. I've started listening to music with certain frequencies to see if it helps with calming and sleeping.
I'm not really sure why I'm even posting this here other than to get it out and to not keep it locked up inside. I suppose I need to just keep taking it one day at a time or even one moment at a time. I know grief is messy and takes time. It feels like I'm grieving an entire lifetime, if that makes sense. I wish it didn't have to hurt so much. Thank you for reading.
I recently discovered he's an addict. More specifically without going into details and from what I understand from my therapist, it's a type of sexual addiction rooted in deep childhood trauma. So while it explains a lot, it also hurts a lot. The type of lifestyle he left me for is actually a stressor for me because someone tried to force me into it when I was a teenager and certain evens from that traumatized me. So it hurts on different levels. Although "hurt" seems like a cute word for how I feel. I'm not sure what the right words are.
A long story short, I saw with my own eyes recently that a woman from that lifestyle claims to be living with him. She came across as very aggressive, mean, and just a "nasty" type of person. She looked to be old enough to be his mother and well, I have a lot of not nice words to describe her that I probably shouldn't get into. She said she lives there now with him and she came across as very condescending which didn't help. So much for being on his own. My therapist told me that he even though he says he wants to be on his own, he can't be. He "needs" to be with someone. When she answered the door with a collar on and this smirk, I completely lost it. I thought he would answer the door. I didn't know someone was living with him. I went over there to give him back something I thought was important. He never once said one word. I know he was there because I saw him briefly on the balcony but then he went inside. I think he was behind the door. She did all of the talking (threats). When I saw her, it was like someone else took over me and I went into a rage. I know now that was the trauma and it took me back to when I was a teenager and was traumatized from what someone did to me. The collar, the black hair, and that smirk just sent me over the edge. It felt evil, if that makes any sense, and that I had to destroy "it", not her... "it". Luckily the police were not called and no one was injured despite her threats. I ended up at a good friend's house and had a really good and very long talk. I also had an emergency session with my therapist.
I'm on new medication to help reduce the intensity of the rage-y episodes hopefully making them more tolerable so I can process and deal with it all in a healthier way. I've also gone 100% no contact with him as of yesterday. I have no reason to ever talk to or see him again. That includes all phone numbers, social media, email, and so on. I have an agreement with a good friend that I will call her immediately if I ever feel an urge to go to his place ever again. My therapist mentioned trauma bonding and to not get sucked into his vortex of "bad stuff". So I have a lot more work to do on myself.
I suppose it's good that now I seem to be crying a lot more instead of raging. I've learned that my rage is masking my grief, pain, and hurt. So when I feel rage, I need to try to bring it back to my heart and find out what I'm really feeling. So far it's been a lot of grief and it really hurts. I also have a burn journal for writing down the really bad stuff that's been resurfacing lately that probably shouldn't be in my normal journal. So I can at least get it out of me.
I have to accept that I have lost him for good. I know that I need to learn from this so I don't repeat it. He made his choice and there is nothing I can do about it. I know he has some serious health issues and he may only have a few years left. He seems to be self destructing based on what I know. If that is how he wants to spend it, then I can't stop him or do anything about it. I have to "cut the cord" completely to save myself from being sucked into that mess because it will destroy me if I let it. I also have children to raise and protect. They have no idea and it's probably best they don't know. All I've told them so far is that he won't be in our lives anymore and they seem okay with that so far. Thankfully they are not his children.
I've also learned that I'm addicted to emotional pain which is why I seem to keep subjecting myself to being around him when I know he's not good for me anymore. Got to love trauma bonding and biochemical addictions (hope those are the right words) from 40 some years of abuse and trauma. I've been journaling and going to a support group weekly as well as other things these past months. I've started listening to music with certain frequencies to see if it helps with calming and sleeping.
I'm not really sure why I'm even posting this here other than to get it out and to not keep it locked up inside. I suppose I need to just keep taking it one day at a time or even one moment at a time. I know grief is messy and takes time. It feels like I'm grieving an entire lifetime, if that makes sense. I wish it didn't have to hurt so much. Thank you for reading.