RNrecovery
Confident
Disclaimer: I’m perfectly safe right now.
Does anyone else struggle with telling anyone when the suicide pull is strong? It seems like a lot of people I know are able to tell their therapist, friends, half of Facebook when they are feeling like this. have attempted once 20+ years ago. I didn’t tell anyone I was thinking about it. I just did it but family noticed I was odd and got me to the hospital where I spent a few days in the icu.
I have had passing thoughts over the years but don’t we all. Nothing more than the typical “I can’t take this anymore wish i wasn’t born” The last two years around the anniversary of my mother/step fathers murder suicide I really struggle. This year is so much better than last as far as those impulses. Instead of starting in November the bulk of the flash backs about that horrible day started late December. The last few years my therapist knows I struggled but I didn’t say a word about how far my plan got until a good six months later. Even then I danced around it. I’m not one to self harm or make gestures. It just seems like either I can push through to the other side or I can’t. I don’t want to tell my therapist and seem like I’m trying to manipulate anyone. I’ll call a hotline if I need to.
But I wonder if maybe telling her where I am at would help. I’ve seen her for many years now and the work we’ve done has brought me so far. So much of my ptsd is better but there hear I have so many more feelings at the surface. I can’t seem to block them out or avoid. I just feel this wall of heaviness and I can’t get away from it.
Does anyone else struggle with telling anyone when the suicide pull is strong? It seems like a lot of people I know are able to tell their therapist, friends, half of Facebook when they are feeling like this. have attempted once 20+ years ago. I didn’t tell anyone I was thinking about it. I just did it but family noticed I was odd and got me to the hospital where I spent a few days in the icu.
I have had passing thoughts over the years but don’t we all. Nothing more than the typical “I can’t take this anymore wish i wasn’t born” The last two years around the anniversary of my mother/step fathers murder suicide I really struggle. This year is so much better than last as far as those impulses. Instead of starting in November the bulk of the flash backs about that horrible day started late December. The last few years my therapist knows I struggled but I didn’t say a word about how far my plan got until a good six months later. Even then I danced around it. I’m not one to self harm or make gestures. It just seems like either I can push through to the other side or I can’t. I don’t want to tell my therapist and seem like I’m trying to manipulate anyone. I’ll call a hotline if I need to.
But I wonder if maybe telling her where I am at would help. I’ve seen her for many years now and the work we’ve done has brought me so far. So much of my ptsd is better but there hear I have so many more feelings at the surface. I can’t seem to block them out or avoid. I just feel this wall of heaviness and I can’t get away from it.