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Reenacting abusive dynamic with someone i love

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beaneeboo

MyPTSD Pro
This is embarrassing.

i've been having a relationship with someone where I've been paranoid about their intentions for most of the relationship. I initially was paranoid they were mainly driven by sex and genuinely felt that was probably the case. 5.5 years later we're together and I've increasingly felt his warmth love and attention. But I look back over those first probably 4 years and I see that my position in our relationship was one of viewing him as 2 different people because I was paranoid. One being warm and loving. The other only to use me for sex. The worst thing is that I allowed myself to be with him intimately consistently despite having these strong feelings that I shouldn't be having sex with him. I felt physically sick on many occasions- had a real internal struggle - but still went through with it time and time again. Without saying anything. Even when he asked whether we should stop. I look back now and realise he wasn't doing anything wrong. It was me who had zero internal compass to gauge his real intentions and, me who wasn't able to voice my worries and me who wasn't able to put my own boundaries down when I wasn't sure.

I'm embarrassed that I switch between thinking and feeling him being the love of my life to mistrusting him so much, but never telling him. Essentially it's been a reenactment of past traumas.

Don't think I can tell him - sounds pretty horrible doesn't it?

Don't know where it leaves me tbh. I feel fairly alone dealing with it in our relationship.
 
i'm coming up on my 43rd anniversary and STILL acting out this dynamic. personally, i hold that dynamic as being as natural as remembering my potty training. we learn what we live, we are what/where we are. work with it. that radical acceptance lets me be more objective about taking my relationship with hubs play by play. we work out ways to improve our relationship in itsy bitsy baby steps.

feeling unable to tell him also feels as natural as rain to me. in my own case, i all to often don't have the words to tell myself, much less him. that is where my therapy network comes into play. my therapy supporters often help me find more accurate words for ^it^.

but that is me and every case is unique, especially in matters of the heart.

steadying support while you work ^it^ through.
 
I also play out my past abuse in my relationship in similar ways. We have been married 2 times now, total 8 years together. It’s very confusing when I’m split and feel he doesn’t love me and I don’t trust him at all - it’s like I can’t SEE that’s it’s just a emotional trigger and not real and I create a lot of drama arguments about how he doesn’t love me enough, then when I come out of it I feel fine and loved again. It’s very frustrating and made me wonder if I am better alone, I don’t want to hurt people.
 
Thanks arfie and mb1997...

I'm actually amazed that other people know what I'm talking about and experience this.... I've never talked about it with anyone before...

I get what you're both saying... completely...

I think when you say you don't want to hurt people, that's the exact thing that keeps me from being really open about what I'm struggling with in our relationship...

I wonder is it possible to develop an internal gauge/ compass to know when you're just being paranoid? When i slip into that state i also can't see how that's possible... despite having awareness that perhaps what I'm feeling is just a projection of my past into him...
 
you are quite far from alone on this, beaneeboo. it is, in fact, the heart and soul of the family dysfunction cycle.

I wonder is it possible to develop an internal gauge/ compass to know when you're just being paranoid? When i slip into that state i also can't see how that's possible... despite having awareness that perhaps what I'm feeling is just a projection of my past into him...

yes and no. in my own case, i have developed than internal gauge and reinforce it with a daily personal inventory. however, that gauge is far from reliable. i rely heavily on my therapy support network for reality checks that business of projecting my past onto others goes several steps further in projecting my wants/desires/fears/etc onto hubby, as well. hubby's life, emotions, etc. are far too intertwined with my own to allow him to detach far enough to help with the sorting. i tell him, eventually, but i untangle my psycho snot knots and find clear words for ^it^ before i do. it's not a secret. it's just not ready for that step.

a compass? ? ? a reliable compass is still in my wish garden but so far the wish fairy just laughs at me when i ask. we don't get to know the future, dearie.
 
Don't think I can tell him - sounds pretty horrible doesn't it?
Another way to think of it?

To be proud of yourself for giving him the chance to prove to you that he’s trustworthy, and warmly grateful to him for being someone you can trust.

Because not everyone is trustworthy, that could have gone the other way. It didn’t. Because of who is is, and they choices you both have made.

So instead of confessing past sins, and beating yourself up for not trusting him? …

(Which is only sense, by the by. No one wih any sense trusts someone who hasn’t earned it. Trauma-shattered-trust “just” made that process take longer for you. So instead of gradually building trust over weeks /months/ events? It’s gradually building trust over months/ years/ series of events)

…Sobbing at his feet and begging forgiveness, kind of thing? (Which is where it sounds like you’re at, which would be another stage of trauma reenactment, apologizing for good things not being better, and waiting for the blows to follow)… throw your arms around him, and shower him with kisses and smiles for being someone you can trust, today.
 
This is embarrassing.

i've been having a relationship with someone where I've been paranoid about their intentions for most of the relationship. I initially was paranoid they were mainly driven by sex and genuinely felt that was probably the case. 5.5 years later we're together and I've increasingly felt his warmth love and attention. But I look back over those first probably 4 years and I see that my position in our relationship was one of viewing him as 2 different people because I was paranoid. One being warm and loving. The other only to use me for sex. The worst thing is that I allowed myself to be with him intimately consistently despite having these strong feelings that I shouldn't be having sex with him. I felt physically sick on many occasions- had a real internal struggle - but still went through with it time and time again. Without saying anything. Even when he asked whether we should stop. I look back now and realise he wasn't doing anything wrong. It was me who had zero internal compass to gauge his real intentions and, me who wasn't able to voice my worries and me who wasn't able to put my own boundaries down when I wasn't sure.

I'm embarrassed that I switch between thinking and feeling him being the love of my life to mistrusting him so much, but never telling him. Essentially it's been a reenactment of past traumas.

Don't think I can tell him - sounds pretty horrible doesn't it?

Don't know where it leaves me tbh. I feel fairly alone dealing with it in our relationship.
Everyone does that and you may be surprised that he is doing the same thing. It's a dance
 
you are quite far from alone on this, beaneeboo. it is, in fact, the heart and soul of the family dysfunction cycle.



yes and no. in my own case, i have developed than internal gauge and reinforce it with a daily personal inventory. however, that gauge is far from reliable. i rely heavily on my therapy support network for reality checks that business of projecting my past onto others goes several steps further in projecting my wants/desires/fears/etc onto hubby, as well. hubby's life, emotions, etc. are far too intertwined with my own to allow him to detach far enough to help with the sorting. i tell him, eventually, but i untangle my psycho snot knots and find clear words for ^it^ before i do. it's not a secret. it's just not ready for that step.

a compass? ? ? a reliable compass is still in my wish garden but so far the wish fairy just laughs at me when i ask. we don't get to know the future, dearie.
Sounds like you're very mindful of this process and aware (at least when you're out of it) what's going on... I'm fascinated hearing about other people who have had similar experiences at some point... thanks for sharing and good luck on your own journey

Another way to think of it?

To be proud of yourself for giving him the chance to prove to you that he’s trustworthy, and warmly grateful to him for being someone you can trust.

Because not everyone is trustworthy, that could have gone the other way. It didn’t. Because of who is is, and they choices you both have made.

So instead of confessing past sins, and beating yourself up for not trusting him? …

(Which is only sense, by the by. No one wih any sense trusts someone who hasn’t earned it. Trauma-shattered-trust “just” made that process take longer for you. So instead of gradually building trust over weeks /months/ events? It’s gradually building trust over months/ years/ series of events)

…Sobbing at his feet and begging forgiveness, kind of thing? (Which is where it sounds like you’re at, which would be another stage of trauma reenactment, apologizing for good things not being better, and waiting for the blows to follow)… throw your arms around him, and shower him with kisses and smiles for being someone you can trust, today.
Thanks Friday... you are of course right... that's possibly the most helpful gentle shove of how to view this situation in a more detached healthy light i could have... typical for trauma thinking isn't it? Trying to find something traumatic in something which actually may not be traumatic at all! I'll be interested to see how i can manage this thinking when it rears it's head again.. and if I tell him about my thinking... thanks for your thoughts
 
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