This is embarrassing.
i've been having a relationship with someone where I've been paranoid about their intentions for most of the relationship. I initially was paranoid they were mainly driven by sex and genuinely felt that was probably the case. 5.5 years later we're together and I've increasingly felt his warmth love and attention. But I look back over those first probably 4 years and I see that my position in our relationship was one of viewing him as 2 different people because I was paranoid. One being warm and loving. The other only to use me for sex. The worst thing is that I allowed myself to be with him intimately consistently despite having these strong feelings that I shouldn't be having sex with him. I felt physically sick on many occasions- had a real internal struggle - but still went through with it time and time again. Without saying anything. Even when he asked whether we should stop. I look back now and realise he wasn't doing anything wrong. It was me who had zero internal compass to gauge his real intentions and, me who wasn't able to voice my worries and me who wasn't able to put my own boundaries down when I wasn't sure.
I'm embarrassed that I switch between thinking and feeling him being the love of my life to mistrusting him so much, but never telling him. Essentially it's been a reenactment of past traumas.
Don't think I can tell him - sounds pretty horrible doesn't it?
Don't know where it leaves me tbh. I feel fairly alone dealing with it in our relationship.
i've been having a relationship with someone where I've been paranoid about their intentions for most of the relationship. I initially was paranoid they were mainly driven by sex and genuinely felt that was probably the case. 5.5 years later we're together and I've increasingly felt his warmth love and attention. But I look back over those first probably 4 years and I see that my position in our relationship was one of viewing him as 2 different people because I was paranoid. One being warm and loving. The other only to use me for sex. The worst thing is that I allowed myself to be with him intimately consistently despite having these strong feelings that I shouldn't be having sex with him. I felt physically sick on many occasions- had a real internal struggle - but still went through with it time and time again. Without saying anything. Even when he asked whether we should stop. I look back now and realise he wasn't doing anything wrong. It was me who had zero internal compass to gauge his real intentions and, me who wasn't able to voice my worries and me who wasn't able to put my own boundaries down when I wasn't sure.
I'm embarrassed that I switch between thinking and feeling him being the love of my life to mistrusting him so much, but never telling him. Essentially it's been a reenactment of past traumas.
Don't think I can tell him - sounds pretty horrible doesn't it?
Don't know where it leaves me tbh. I feel fairly alone dealing with it in our relationship.