I'm very aware this may well be me trying to find flaws in an attempt to sabotage the (new) relationship i have with my T so that i don't have to move forward.
On the otherhand I wonder whether I have a gut feeling which needs listening to. Can be hard when I doubt my compass.
T says he's a trauma T... and has personal experience of dissociation...and certainly he uses language to support this in sessions.. He's been welcoming.. understanding... compassionate in the way he addresses me so far... gives me space and openly says this is my space and I can drive therapy... so this post certainly isn't a criticism about him... more a questioning?
But I'm questioning his experience and wondering whether he's going to be able to handle sessions with me because so far I feel my dissociation makes him feel awkward... and that he doesn't know quite what to do when it happens..
I have dissociated in all my therapy sessions with him (only had a few).. and was open about this at the time... he did his own thing to try to get me grounded and back in the room... which I appreciated but which I felt wasn't massively intuitive for him...(more theoretical than lived experience?) I thought that he felt a bit awkward/ panicked and tried to get me back by bringing my focus back to visual things in the room and talking about random stuff to distract me from what was going on... but actually, trying to get me to talk (which I could physically do but wasn't ready to) just increased the divide I felt of complete panic inside and then putting a mask on to show that I was feeling better... making me feel more distanced from him and like he didn't actually understand dissociation (or my dissociation anyway. I'm aware I shouldn't expect him to understandeverything about my experience. Just that if he has experience of dissociation himself to go more deeply into a plan with me about how to handle it)
I was surprised when in our last session he hadn't brought water into the room when we'd discussed previously how parched I was and how drinking water is a good way to feel grounded (I'm aware i can bring this next time and hopefully will remember to)... and I've let him know that trying to look up is really difficult for me because I need to focus on something up close up - looking around the room is too overwhelming because the room warps ... so asking me to look up as a way to bring me out felt counter intuitive...
I also felt that there wasn't a clear end to the session (I had to ask whether it had finished) and I wasn't yet fully out of dissociation... which he didn't seem to recognise.. so I left feeling triggered/ disconnected and uncontained...
Tell him you'll probably say! But I don't know how. I'm not good at saying what my needs are. And don't want to come across as telling him how to do his job. How would I begin to bring this up without being a nightmare client?
On the otherhand I wonder whether I have a gut feeling which needs listening to. Can be hard when I doubt my compass.
T says he's a trauma T... and has personal experience of dissociation...and certainly he uses language to support this in sessions.. He's been welcoming.. understanding... compassionate in the way he addresses me so far... gives me space and openly says this is my space and I can drive therapy... so this post certainly isn't a criticism about him... more a questioning?
But I'm questioning his experience and wondering whether he's going to be able to handle sessions with me because so far I feel my dissociation makes him feel awkward... and that he doesn't know quite what to do when it happens..
I have dissociated in all my therapy sessions with him (only had a few).. and was open about this at the time... he did his own thing to try to get me grounded and back in the room... which I appreciated but which I felt wasn't massively intuitive for him...(more theoretical than lived experience?) I thought that he felt a bit awkward/ panicked and tried to get me back by bringing my focus back to visual things in the room and talking about random stuff to distract me from what was going on... but actually, trying to get me to talk (which I could physically do but wasn't ready to) just increased the divide I felt of complete panic inside and then putting a mask on to show that I was feeling better... making me feel more distanced from him and like he didn't actually understand dissociation (or my dissociation anyway. I'm aware I shouldn't expect him to understandeverything about my experience. Just that if he has experience of dissociation himself to go more deeply into a plan with me about how to handle it)
I was surprised when in our last session he hadn't brought water into the room when we'd discussed previously how parched I was and how drinking water is a good way to feel grounded (I'm aware i can bring this next time and hopefully will remember to)... and I've let him know that trying to look up is really difficult for me because I need to focus on something up close up - looking around the room is too overwhelming because the room warps ... so asking me to look up as a way to bring me out felt counter intuitive...
I also felt that there wasn't a clear end to the session (I had to ask whether it had finished) and I wasn't yet fully out of dissociation... which he didn't seem to recognise.. so I left feeling triggered/ disconnected and uncontained...
Tell him you'll probably say! But I don't know how. I'm not good at saying what my needs are. And don't want to come across as telling him how to do his job. How would I begin to bring this up without being a nightmare client?