I've recently started a new therapy journey (had many therapists over the years. Last one was about 6 years ago). I went with the intention to work through something in my present and not need to go back to the past. But soon found out that was impossible as I have dissociated in every session and he (T) know this. This has lead to me wanting to try to explain to my T where I'm up to with my understanding of myself in a fairly quick way. As in 'here's x years of therapy explained' - wrap it up in a package and hand it over. Part of my session today was about explaining once of my parts who hasn't been present for a very long time (or not obviously so). This is a part i fear because it just wants to cause me self doubt about my reality, tells me I'm wrong, making a mountain of a mole hill, I'm creating a picture for attention... I'm disgusting... bad... blah blah blah.
I know from my past that it's best to walk away from this part. But tonight I discussed this part in therapy and very act of doing so brought the feelings / emotions and thoughts associated. I'm really not willing to be under this parts thumb / rule any more as many years of my life have been badly effected by 'it'. So my intention was to bring this part into the room for the exact reason to disempower the voice by sharing about it in real time (I didn't want to go back without discussing it because I felt this may trigger a worse reaction if I had tu handle the part on my own).
Now I just feel embarrassed. Like my T is maybe thinking less of me. I feel like what I brought was really pathetic. I'm ashamed to be a mum and share these thoughts. It's not part of the strong me. And I feel like I should have more ability to control the impact that this part has on me. Triggers the same emotions which have led to me sh in the past but I'm determined not to go down that route. Having a real tussle with myself.
I don't know that I even have a question. I'm just venting as there is no one else I can say this to.
I know from my past that it's best to walk away from this part. But tonight I discussed this part in therapy and very act of doing so brought the feelings / emotions and thoughts associated. I'm really not willing to be under this parts thumb / rule any more as many years of my life have been badly effected by 'it'. So my intention was to bring this part into the room for the exact reason to disempower the voice by sharing about it in real time (I didn't want to go back without discussing it because I felt this may trigger a worse reaction if I had tu handle the part on my own).
Now I just feel embarrassed. Like my T is maybe thinking less of me. I feel like what I brought was really pathetic. I'm ashamed to be a mum and share these thoughts. It's not part of the strong me. And I feel like I should have more ability to control the impact that this part has on me. Triggers the same emotions which have led to me sh in the past but I'm determined not to go down that route. Having a real tussle with myself.
I don't know that I even have a question. I'm just venting as there is no one else I can say this to.