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Sufferer My Mind, the battlefield

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Seeliesoul

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Hi guys,
sharing something in an online group feels a bit scary, but I hope it's a good idea nonetheless.
I am 28, and I am suffering from CPTSD due to childhood stuff. I am in therapy, and attended some psychology courses at university, but the progress feels so slow. Meds don't work at all. I am plagued by depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, panic attacks, sleep disturbances, nightmares, flashbacks, draining hyper-arousal, and chronic pain in the stomach area, that is activated whenever I eat something and that still puzzles the medical experts I have visited. Very often, I feel utterly exhausted, mentally and physically, and I am scared of losing the fight against my demons, like my vicious inner critic. It seems like the more I learn about psychology etc., the more sophisticated my demons become. My mind does not feel Like a safe place, but like a battlefield full of re-traumatising agents, armed with emotional triggers. Healing...feels like an impossible task.
And most people have no idea what you are talking about, when you try to open up about the symptomps of PTSD. After sharing my feelings, I often end up feeling even more lonely and ashamed than before, due to the other person's cold response or corrective advice, like: "You should ... You must... Stop being... Simply be..."
Perhabs some of you have made similar experiences, and found a way to cope..
 
Welcome to the forum! You are not alone in your struggles...much of what you have said could come from the journals of many of us. Childhood trauma is a setup for possible failure, but we CAN get better!

Our inner critic/terrorist is a vile part of our adulthood, one that I have spent most of my life trying to silence.

I have made the most progress when I write my thoughts and feelings in a journal and/or here in my diary. Keeping things inside tends to make them seem bigger because we are alone in our heads with no escape.

Staying in therapy, refusing to give up, and learning to tell my inner critic to shut the heck up. Time after time after time.

Affirmations have helped tremendously, I wrote them down and spoke them though I didn't believe them for a long time. Slowly I am learning to be proud of my refusal to quit living and working to heal, one day at a time.

I have been a member here for over 11 years and can say that I feel safe, supported, and understood.

Blessings of peace and perseverance are being sent your way...
AKJ
 
CPTSD here too. A lot of your symptoms mirror my own. I sure know about the mystery stomach pain, and the body’s resistance to medicine. Have you researched polyvagal theory? It’s helped me to understand my symptoms.

It took me a decade to find things that work for me. And when I’m on the cusp of a breakthrough, I relapse. But each time I get closer to breakthrough.

Don’t give up. It took many years to build your paradigm and will take years to break it.
 
It seems like the more I learn about psychology etc., the more sophisticated my demons become.
Sorry but that's all of us. The more you learn about your your particular brand of PTSD the more stuff you uncover that you didn't know about, plus you have the uncovered trauma to deal with too.

And most people have no idea what you are talking about, when you try to open up about the symptomps of PTSD. After sharing my feelings, I often end up feeling even more lonely and ashamed than before, due to the other person's cold response or corrective advice, like: "You should ... You must... Stop being... Simply be..."
Oversharing is a problem we have too.

This is a safe place to talk about that stuff - with people who get it because they have it.
 
Sorry but that's all of us. The more you learn about your your particular brand of PTSD the more stuff you uncover that you didn't know about, plus you have the uncovered trauma to deal with too.


Oversharing is a problem we have too.

This is a safe place to talk about that stuff - with people who get it because they have it.
Thanks for your feedback!
It's good to hear that this is a "normal" problem, and simply part of the uncovering process. That makes it a bit less frightening.
I particularly like your phrase "people who get it, because they have it". That's quite catchy. :)

So, you think that one can be "oversharing"? You know, I feel very ambivalent in this respect. I suffer from loneliness, and I try to overcome this by being emotionally available, and by sharing some very intimate stuff. How could I complain about feeling lonely, if I am unwilling to share? But quite often, it backfired. People reacted in a judgmental or otherwise violating manner, so that I regretted opening up.
Could you perhabs tell me, how you handle this problem? How do you decide when to share something?

CPTSD here too. A lot of your symptoms mirror my own. I sure know about the mystery stomach pain, and the body’s resistance to medicine. Have you researched polyvagal theory? It’s helped me to understand my symptoms.

It took me a decade to find things that work for me. And when I’m on the cusp of a breakthrough, I relapse. But each time I get closer to breakthrough.

Don’t give up. It took many years to build your paradigm and will take years to break it.

O, how sad that you suffer from stomach pain, too, and can't find much help in medication! Actually, I never heard the term "polyvagal theory" before. I googled it, and it said that the theory has been dismissed as false by most scientists. I am not in a position to judge. How did it help you to understand your condition? What insights did you gain?

Thanks for your encouraging words! I feel so utterly disheartened when I relapse. Like it's all in vain. One step forward, two steps backward. You inspire me to be a little more patient, and give myself more time to heal. It's great to hear, that you are making such good progress! You have all of my best wishes! :)

CPTSD here too. A lot of your symptoms mirror my own. I sure know about the mystery stomach pain, and the body’s resistance to medicine. Have you researched polyvagal theory? It’s helped me to understand my symptoms.

It took me a decade to find things that work for me. And when I’m on the cusp of a breakthrough, I relapse. But each time I get closer to breakthrough.

Don’t give up. It took many years to build your paradigm and will take years to break it.
Sorry, I messed up linking my answer to your post, but I hope it's visible in the chat history nonetheless.

Welcome to the forum! You are not alone in your struggles...much of what you have said could come from the journals of many of us. Childhood trauma is a setup for possible failure, but we CAN get better!

Our inner critic/terrorist is a vile part of our adulthood, one that I have spent most of my life trying to silence.

I have made the most progress when I write my thoughts and feelings in a journal and/or here in my diary. Keeping things inside tends to make them seem bigger because we are alone in our heads with no escape.

Staying in therapy, refusing to give up, and learning to tell my inner critic to shut the heck up. Time after time after time.

Affirmations have helped tremendously, I wrote them down and spoke them though I didn't believe them for a long time. Slowly I am learning to be proud of my refusal to quit living and working to heal, one day at a time.

I have been a member here for over 11 years and can say that I feel safe, supported, and understood.

Blessings of peace and perseverance are being sent your way...
AKJ
Thanks a lot for your kind answer! It makes me feel safe and welcome in this group. :)
You are quite right, keeping thoughts and feelings inside of your head makes them more powerful and destructive. I really love writing, but my inner critic starts attacking me whenever I try to write something like a diary. "What a waste of time! Not even the paper is interested in your stupid, insignificant babble! Who do think you are? You think you got something to say? You are so pathetic!"
That makes me feel so ashamed, that I don't dare to write anything.. I know, that it's my critic speaking, but part of me can't help believing this harsh voice..

I really like your idea of collecting affirmations like precious gems. They can be a shield against the critic's attacks, although I struggle with the imposter syndrom quite a bit..

I am impressed by your perseverance! It's inspiring, that you didn't give up!
 
Institutional science has a lot of good to offer, but it isn't perfect. I wasted a lot of money on tests, drugs, and specialists that completely missed the mark. The ER doctors started getting rude when they sent me home.

Desperation sent me to natural medicine and alternative models. I'm no big natural medicine cheerleader, but I found a lot of good stuff the doctors never told me.

Success tends to come when you balance what's helpful from both worlds, and listen to your own body.

My first success was when I realized my stomach didn't make enough digestive acids. I drank apple cider vinegar after meals, and it made a difference.

That grew into a broader understanding of my vagus nerve. It just doesn't operate at full capacity. Constant stress suppresses it in a fight-or-flight kind of way. It's been conditioned to suppression. I don't produce digestive enzymes, don't get regular hunger signals, and often have to make myself eat. Heavy meals are too much and my body panics. Constipation is constant problem too. I now use magnesium for that.

I don't know exactly what's causing your belly pain, or if my methods would help you. I'd just encourage you to be creative when looking for options, and go with what works, no matter how goofy it may sound.
 
Most people don't understand PTSD and they hear "crazy person". Talk, try, to be normal, share a little not a lot. Usually there is a point where people think there may be something wrong. That's when you say you have trouble with..... whatever, make it small, say its like ADHD whatever that symptom is.

Diving right to PTSD frightens them. They put it together in a way that says "crazy person". Find the symptom that causes you a problem. My PTSD is anxiety based so saying I have an anxiety issue says "I may be nervous, disenguaged, anxious, feel threatened". That's easy to understand. And it makes sense. It also makes sense for someone who enguages you if you say "lets go where its quieter because X makes me more anxious" They may ask for more and at some point I mat say yes I have PTSD. But don't lead with that - for most its too much information.
 
Institutional science has a lot of good to offer, but it isn't perfect. I wasted a lot of money on tests, drugs, and specialists that completely missed the mark. The ER doctors started getting rude when they sent me home.

Desperation sent me to natural medicine and alternative models. I'm no big natural medicine cheerleader, but I found a lot of good stuff the doctors never told me.

Success tends to come when you balance what's helpful from both worlds, and listen to your own body.

My first success was when I realized my stomach didn't make enough digestive acids. I drank apple cider vinegar after meals, and it made a difference.

That grew into a broader understanding of my vagus nerve. It just doesn't operate at full capacity. Constant stress suppresses it in a fight-or-flight kind of way. It's been conditioned to suppression. I don't produce digestive enzymes, don't get regular hunger signals, and often have to make myself eat. Heavy meals are too much and my body panics. Constipation is constant problem too. I now use magnesium for that.

I don't know exactly what's causing your belly pain, or if my methods would help you. I'd just encourage you to be creative when looking for options, and go with what works, no matter how goofy it may sound.
Sorry, that it took me a few days to answer, I had a rough week. I really appreciate your detailed answer! It's admirable, that you found such a well-balanced, comprehensive approach to medical science and it's alternatives, while continually looking for creative solutions! Thanks for sharing your experiences!

I also spent a lot of time and money on specialists and medication. I even had a very painful surgery, but to no avail.
What you say about stress suppressing a healthy digestive process sounds quite reasonable to me. I sure know what you mean, my body seems to panic during meals, too. Magnesium didn't help, but I'll try apple cider vinegar!
I hope that you can find a way of permanently restoring your digestive health! It has such a huge impact on one's quality of life..
 
Most people don't understand PTSD and they hear "crazy person". Talk, try, to be normal, share a little not a lot. Usually there is a point where people think there may be something wrong. That's when you say you have trouble with..... whatever, make it small, say its like ADHD whatever that symptom is.

Diving right to PTSD frightens them. They put it together in a way that says "crazy person". Find the symptom that causes you a problem. My PTSD is anxiety based so saying I have an anxiety issue says "I may be nervous, disenguaged, anxious, feel threatened". That's easy to understand. And it makes sense. It also makes sense for someone who enguages you if you say "lets go where its quieter because X makes me more anxious" They may ask for more and at some point I mat say yes I have PTSD. But don't lead with that - for most its too much information.
Thanks a lot for your advice! I guess, that is quite a sensible approach, and it's good to hear that it helps you to successfully navigate social situations.
It reminds me of something my therapist told me. In his youth, he suffered from severe anxiety as well. But he knew that people would have judged him harshly, if he had opened up about his issues, so he just told them that he had trouble with his blood pressure, and fits of migraine.
I just find it very sad, that it seems to be necessary to shield one's self from people's deplorable narrow-mindedness by holding back the true emotions. I long for deep, authentic communication, and I am shocked to stumble over the prejudice of being a "crazy person" again and again. I know it may sound naive, but it feels really unfair to have suffered so much, only to be treated like an outcast as a consequence. I am so sick of pretending to be normal, only to meet people's expectations of how an agreeable person should behave.
Do you feel similar sometimes?
 
I just find it very sad, that it seems to be necessary to shield one's self from people's deplorable narrow-mindedness by holding back the true emotions. I long for deep, authentic communication, and I am shocked to stumble over the prejudice of being a "crazy person" again and again. I know it may sound naive, but it feels really unfair to have suffered so much, only to be treated like an outcast as a consequence. I am so sick of pretending to be normal, only to meet people's expectations of how an agreeable person should behave.
Do you feel similar sometimes?
The simple is - all they have is anecdotal knowledge of what PTSD is. Even for me as a sufferer it's hard to wrap my head around all of what it is. It's like an amoeba that can absorb this or that and it varies by person and some symptoms are paralleled by chronic illnesses, and it doesn't fit any one single definition.

That and what one of my favourite psychoanalysts said: “Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge.”― C.G. Jung

In the 45 years I have had it I have learned one thing that gets me through a lot. It is. Two words, four letters and it says to quit worrying about things you can't change. So if you cant change it but you carry on fighting it? Ever heard the story of Don Quixote? It Is solves that. If you can't change it then why waste time and sanity fighting it. Realize it will not change, and if it will not change then you need to change something.

Something I learned doing sales is relateability. If you want to be better at it, read "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Being relatable means finding common ground with people. Activities, sports, telling jokes, There's an endless list of things you could have in common. Learn to find them. When they are shared you have common ground and something to talk about. Something like anxiety - is relatable. PTSD is something that the only people that really understand it is people with it. So to be relatable - simplify. Make it easy not awkward.

Once you have that then you will show them what PTSD is. They will learn from you and perhaps change their minds about what PTSD really is. Instead of feeling anxious themselves abut what they don't understand, they will admire you for managing to get through life.

Last but not least - learn here like I did how to define your PTSD by leaning how to live with the everyday rather than letting your PTSD define you. What does that mean? Manage the everyday. Figure out what you can and cannot do. Do what you can and make no excuses. Nobody you want to hang out with someone who sits and talks about all their problems constantly. So learn not to be that guy either. It's not "Oh poor me I have PTSD and I can't do that" it's "Sorry I cant do that because it affects my PTSD, have a great time - maybe we can get together after/later."
 
I'm a little late to the party but I'll throw in my own experience. I never ever tell people I have PTSD - or any other diagnosis from the mental menu. I had extremely negative reactions from everyone - close friends, acquaintances, family members, co-workers, and especially the people I attended church with - when word got out I was (gasp!) a crazy lady! Translation: I had "emotional issues." PTSD is considered Super Crazy. Stigma is wicked!

Before I was officially labeled "crazy," life was fine. In fact, not long before the crazy got out I was asked, "How does it feel to live a charmed life?" Ha! Had them fooled, didn't I? Anyway, people just "adjusted" to my little quirks. For example, I have a gigantic startle response. People learned not to enter my office unannounced without expecting a loud scream or a ceiling-high jump. So, when people entered our building they would stick their head in the outer door and sweetly yell, "M, I'm coming in!" That could also set me off, but at least they weren't standing right in front of me to witness it.

Quirks like being labeled "jumpy" are fine. Having a physical diagnosis like diabetes or Black Swamp Bug Eye Disease is fine. But any kind of mental issue makes people uncomfortable. They don't want to hear about it. They really don't want to catch it. They'd rather you just stay home until you are completely cured.
 
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