• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

How can I get MORE flashbacks?

DartCree

New Here
Yeah, this is crazy. People want to get rid of these things.

My reaction to childhood SA, PA, CEN was to go hypo -- block or numb emotions. This was better than the uncontrolled emo dysregulation. But I locked down for decades. I'm waking up 50 years later.

I don't have lots of flashbacks. But a huge part of the progress I've made in healing lies in these flashbacks. In the immediate aftermath, or sometimes during, if they aren't too intrusive, I make more progress than I do in weeks of my normal routine.

Most of my flashbacks are what I call "emo-flashes" A sudden mood change. I go inside with compassion and curiosity and try to contact the broken shard of me and reassure and welcome him into my life.

I also get somatic flashbacks -- soma-flash. These have been really weird. Teeth chattering shivering while not actually cold. Sinking feeling of fear or dread, without feeling fear or dread.

The most recent was triggered by hurting my wrist on a wilderness trip. That night I had a pain flashback. Some monster force was crushing my wrist. Shriek level pain, coupled with surprise, confusion, betrayal. No fear with it.

I *knew* it was a flashback. I welcomed it. Each of these gives me a glimpse of the Forgotten Times.

Most of my flashbacks are in that half world between sleep and waking. I think only then are the barriers thin enough for my shards to be heard.

how do I get more flashbacks?

How do I thin the partition between my internal worlds?
 
I got more flashbacks when I developed a therapeutic relationship with my T. I felt safe enough to trust her and that would lead to regressions in session and flashbacks between sessions. I think the regression paved the way for the flashbacks to bubble up. I would draw the essence of the flashback and then we would talk about it in session, more regression, cycling by through all the emotions and memories.
 
Triggering myself on purpose.

ALSO how i get a handle on managing panic attacks faster/better.

RELATED to how I chip away at said triggers/stressors (just flirting along the edges of a trigger/stressor enough to cause a hint of a reaction, but not a full blown reaction; until the edge moves & zero reaction happens at all).
 
I got more flashbacks when I developed a therapeutic relationship with my T. I felt safe enough to trust her and that would lead to regressions in session and flashbacks between sessions. I think the regression paved the way for the flashbacks to bubble up. I would draw the essence of the flashback and then we would talk about it in session, more regression, cycling by through all the emotions and memories.
Alas, my T. doesn't seem to do regression. But you have given me a new word to use in my searches.

Triggering myself on purpose.

ALSO how i get a handle on managing panic attacks faster/better.

RELATED to how I chip away at said triggers/stressors (just flirting along the edges of a trigger/stressor enough to cause a hint of a reaction, but not a full blown reaction; until the edge moves & zero reaction happens at all).

So far I haven't been able to isolate any triggers.
 
If you don’t know triggers, you can start with your likes and dislikes. Especially any dislike that seems odd. Look for quirky behaviors, or times you get oddly preoccupied with a random diversion.

Also ask your close loved ones. What are odd things you do or say?

Another idea is to sit and draw a map of your old house.
 
my T. doesn't seem to do regression.
My T didn’t do regression either, it just happened because of the the transference. She knew how to deal with it but she never purposefully caused or invited it. She was aware that it would happen and would typically hold space when it happened and gently guide me back to present reality before session ended so I could reintegrate. I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening until years into working with her. I actually wanted her to do it purposefully and she said that was not recommended, too risky for my mental health.
 
For me personally, all of my breakthroughs have been my own making. I'm on my second counselor. She's the same as the first, mostly a life coach trying to stamp out my stress problems. Once a week she listens to an overview of my latest adventures, and gives me homework to try another meditation idea.

I know exactly why @DartCree would want to induce flashbacks. You can't get anywhere if you don't know what's in you.
 
Clearly, wrist pain, was one.

yeah, but hard to duplicate. And I don't know that that was the trigger. I injured the wrist in the afternoon, falling and twisting it in my ski poles. It was achey during the day, getting somewhat worse as the evening progressed. It was a winter camping trip, which means that sleep is erratic, with lots of transitions between sleeping and waking. The flash occurred during one of these transitions.

This doesn't fit the conventional model of trigger event => flashback as being closely associated in time.

For me personally, all of my breakthroughs have been my own making. I'm on my second counselor. She's the same as the first, mostly a life coach trying to stamp out my stress problems. Once a week she listens to an overview of my latest adventures, and gives me homework to try another meditation idea.

I know exactly why @DartCree would want to induce flashbacks. You can't get anywhere if you don't know what's in you.
I have a good T. who is trained in dealing with dissociative disorders. Strongly recommend that you get one who understands dissociation.

My T didn’t do regression either, it just happened because of the the transference. She knew how to deal with it but she never purposefully caused or invited it. She was aware that it would happen and would typically hold space when it happened and gently guide me back to present reality before session ended so I could reintegrate. I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening until years into working with her. I actually wanted her to do it purposefully and she said that was not recommended, too risky for my mental health.
This is what my T. says too. Doesn't keep me from trying.

If you don’t know triggers, you can start with your likes and dislikes. Especially any dislike that seems odd. Look for quirky behaviors, or times you get oddly preoccupied with a random diversion.

Also ask your close loved ones. What are odd things you do or say?

Another idea is to sit and draw a map of your old house.

go over and read my post on the intro page if you haven't yet.

I have a memory project where I write down childhood events, my age or age range, the location, and the details. Some are trivial. Repainting the living room from beige to light green. Moving the overstuffed sofa and armchair to the basement and getting new ones. Getting a real record player. TV shows. Very useful for checking my age guesses.

I can remember most of the houses in my neighbourhood (carried papers) who was in them, style of siding. Many, I remember details of their entry way. I'm up to 400 now, enough that gaps show up. Only two birthday parties. LIttle or no attendance at award ceremonies by my parents. Endless meals of a hamburger patty, boiled potatoes and green beens. Or a pot of lentils with a sausage cut up in it. Steak or pizza was unknown. Tuna noodle casserole was common. I remember lots of scout trips, working in scout camps.

***
My sister gave me a bunch of leads. I remember as a kid being excessively modest. She told me it started suddenly when I was about 33 months. Insisted on being covered up. No one every saw me barefoot outside the bath until I was 12. And I never went barefoot in the house until I left home.

I posted on facebook for my high school grad class and asked them to tell "Dart stories" Most of these confirmed my memories. Quirky, loner, nerd. Curiously one girl remembered that I would stand on my left foot, with the toe of my right foot resting on top of my left foot. I have since found a pic, taken by my mom of my dad and me talking. My posture exhibits extreme shame/embarrassment. I am not meeting my father's gaze. But my father isn't meeting mine either. And I'm standing on one foot, the other foot resting on it, knee/hip swiveled to protect genitals from a kick. My arms are straight, hands over my groin.

One high school friend told me of coming in briefly while picking me up. During that time my mom made belittling comments aimed at me. My friend said that my acceptance of them made it seem like this was a common occurrence.

My mom told me a story, that I didn't remember, and was blind to the implications. When we did a holiday, I was age almost 5, my brother was just 15 I would often have to share a bed with my brother. I insisted on sleeping above the top sheet. "So we won't get our parts mixed up" I think this was my defense against getting butt f*cked again. Mom thought it was cute.

I tracked down a couple of kids that were in the neighbourhood. One confirmed the lack of appetite. A couple more confirmed quirky.

Between abuse, the lack of modeling of anything to do with romance, the total taboo in the household about talking about sex, and the education in the catholic church, I ended up asexual. Left in a weird limbo where I want to have intimate sexual relationships, but the sight of genitals, male or female fills me with disgust and revulsion.

My T. says I've lived most of my life in a state of partial dissociation, denying most/all emotion most of the time, living only in an intellectual world.

***

This wrist flashback is significant. I need context. Could have been a hasty grab to keep me out of danger by either parent or siblings. Or it could have been a convenient handle for my mom to use to throw me at a wall.
 
I find this thread fascinating. My repression is my biggest blessing and the greatest gift I've ever been given. I choose to leave the past in the past. When it intrudes, it breaks my heart.
 
This doesn't fit the conventional model of trigger event => flashback as being closely associated in time.
Actually, it’s textbook.

The kind of twist injury + adrenaline in a person grabbing your arm, and falling skiing? Are virtually identical.

It’s the kind of injury that gets CPS at your door, as a child athlete, a few times a year. (Snow sports and gymnasts and horseback riders are constantly being reported by ERs & teachers). I’ve gone through dozens of CPS interviews because I was a super active kid… with zero shame (which is what sent the investigators away just as quickly) so I would cheerfully launch into play by play “never let the truth get in the way of a good story” how COOL was THIS totally radical trick… until BAM! But don’t worry! I’ll get it next time. I just need to… . Which also means I learned rather more than I would like about greenstick fractures, and nervous adults.

Those injuries? Sprains, hairline fractures, simple fractures, greenstick fractures, offset fractures…. Take time to heal. And they feel different during different parts of the healing process.

ANY point in that healing process? If there is trauma attached? Can trigger a flashback. Because your brain is momentarily mixing up then & now.

It could be when the swelling sets in, or the adrenaline crash after, or a certain rhythm to the throbbing, or rolling over in bed, or reaching for a pen without thinking, or a good time dashed, or, or, or, or, or, or, or. THOUSANDS of points of commonality between now & then.

There’s no possible way to learn ALL your triggers & stressors.

Some of the big ones that revisit a lot will stand out over time, and can be chipped away at until they’re as smooth as polished marble; but even in a single trauma there are thousands of things that MIGHT trigger, and in ongoing trauma? Hundreds of thousands to hundreds of millions. There is nooooo way to avoid triggers and stressors. They happen. Full stop.

One of my last “FFS, seriously?!?” triggers? Bubbles in a puddle. Freakish random occurance and suddenly I was underwater in a helicopter, watching the EXACT SAME formation of bubbles, whilst stopped in my car in a wet parking lot being honked at. Oh. Whoops! Sorry! Driving now.

So? Random “matching” occurs.
So do totally predicitble A follows B follow C.

I’m not suggesting you re-create injuries on purpose, to reexperiemce the past. But? Keep noticing what is causing the symptom and patterns will develop.
 
I’ve found memory recall to be the best release for anger, fear, and other poisons. It’s hard to forgive an abstract offense you can’t even identify. For me anyway. And I don’t want to live in a prison of weirdly raging at dandelions for no apparent reason. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.
 
Back
Top