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Positive thoughts toward your abuser(s)

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Rose White

MyPTSD Pro
Not sure where to post this.

First off, most of me, and sometimes all of me, is STRONGLY opposed to this concept. A small part of me recently thought I *ought* to explore this and that it might be related to the forgiveness concept and might be something helpful for *me*.

I realize that the title could be interpreted in various ways in this sub-forum. And that’s fine. I don’t mind exploring various avenues of this with you.

What does it mean for me?

In my recovery I didn’t speak of my dad for a long time. If I had a dream about him I was terrified or screaming at him. The only words I had about him were brief descriptions of what he did and why he wasn’t in my life anymore.

Then I started having neutral dreams about him and the ability to talk about him in a neutral way, like mentioning that I had a dad, where he was from, stuff like that.

Now if people are talking about their parents I’m able to mention things about his hobbies or idiosyncratic ways.

I listen to a podcast called Lex Fridman, and he was interviewing someone who left Scientology and the guy was all negative about David Miscavige and Lex challenged him to consider positives about the Scientology leader as a way to grow stronger in himself.

And a good writer will show how an antagonist has good intentions behind their actions. I admire writers, I see it as a good practice for life.

I understand that whether or not you have positive thoughts toward an abuser depends a lot on where you are at in your recovery. You might have lots of positive thoughts about them that are actually holding you back from recovering yourself. Or you might have no positive thoughts about them as a way to claim your own agency and authority, especially if you are in the act of separation from them.

I’m treading lightly with this in my own life, but starting to touch the edges of it, and I’m curious about it in your life if you’d like to share.
 
The abuse and dysfunction of my childhood impacted the friends I chose, the man I married, how I raised my children, and every positive decision I've made as an adult. Without that trauma, negativity, pain, and heartache I would not enjoy the love, security, and stability that I do today. My incredible children and grandchildren would not exist today if my primary abusers, my parents, hadn't lived. How can I not be grateful to the people who are partly responsible for most of the precious people on my life?

Thank you for starting this thread. I've wanted to say these words for a long time. 💜
 
I was just saying to E, my partner, yesterday exactly what @Aprilshowers just said. Had I not had what happened to me, I wouldn't have met E (because I met her out of a particular impact of the traima, without going into detail). And I wouldn't have chosen my career. And various other aspects that are positive in my life.
Wish it wasn't so! But also it helps to make peace with things knowing that out of all that trauma and heartache, it led me down a particular path and whilst I struggle still, my life is full of love from those I have chosen to be around, and who have chosen me.

I don't equate that to positive thoughts about the abusers.

I do understand one of the people (the child) who abused me. Because he was a child too. Old enough for criminal conviction, but I figure he must have been abused to do what he did to me.

But otherwise, how do I feel about the others who did things to me? No idea!
And my mum? Full of rage I think.
I still got a way to go on my acceptance/forgiveness journey!
 
Forgiveness for me didn’t happen until I began to become aware of how “broken” I was and how my brokenness altered the way that I behaved towards other and how my behaviors were toxic and abusive. With that awareness it became easier to understand how “broken” my abusers were and how they, like me, exhibited abusive behaviors. with that awareness the resentment seemingly disappeared. Now, if anyone knows how to untangle core beliefs, let me know…
 
Interesting this went down the path of forgiveness. I have no plans to forgive my primary abuser. Can’t figure either of us would get anything out of those particular mental gymnastics.

Positive thoughts about my abuser? Sure. My primary abuser I have stockholm syndrome locked and loaded. Part of me loves him and probably always will. That made it hard for me to make progress with my recovery for a long time, till I stopped struggling with it. Now, it’s just an uncomfortable thing that I accept just is.

Other abusers? I’m right there with all the minimisation stuff that goes on: it wasn’t that bad, they’re actually a good person, etc etc.

So, for me, positive thoughts about my abusers have always been the norm, and very often problematic. Almost certainly just as problematic as the other extreme, which is “my abuser is completely evil”.
 
I have absolutely no positive thoughts about my abuser, anger and hatred are the two emotions I feel just thinking about it. And I’m guessing it’s because that’s where I am in my recovery process or I don’t know. I’m one of those people who hates using the word hate when talking about a person I usually say dislike them and have no ill will against them (which is true), but never hate until this.

You know people will say, he has a mental illness and addictions. yes, I understand that but not everyone with either or both conditions become abusive, I’m sure there’s studies and statistics out there that say something regarding this subject but I don’t care what they say. It just feels like when people say that they’re trying to come up with an excuse to why he did it and I don’t wanna hear it. Maybe they think it will make me feel better but in reality it just pisses me off more. Maybe one day I’ll take that into account but now it just feels like an excuse and you shouldn’t get a pass because of it. That probably sounds harsh, but that’s just how I feel. Just talking about it right now is making me feel angry.
 
@Sideways, I anticipated that—kind of had you in mind when I wrote about how in the beginning someone
might have lots of positive thoughts about them that are actually holding you back from recovering
Because I remember you mentioning something previously along the lines of
Part of me loves him and probably always will. That made it hard for me to make progress
I know you’ve made considerable strides in your recovery so I appreciate you bringing your perspective. Interesting to me that you say
Now, it’s just an uncomfortable thing that I accept
That resonates with me for different reasons. To see discomfort attached to the love which part of you feels for your abuser seems to be the best you can do with that. You are honest with yourself while keeping that boundary.
 
My experiences with my Dad varies a lot, partly because he changed so dramatically in his last 3 or 4 years. He stopped drinking except for reasonable social situations and he came to the realization that the one thing he wanted was my Mom, M. He wooed her like he was a teenager (in a good way) and while they were living apart by this time, he was successful in getting her back, and largely, he got back me and my 2 brothers as well. But for me, there's still negative experiences that I can't let go - Dad whacking me in the head while he 'supervised my homework' while he was drinking or fairly drunk and I failed to provide a correct answer or refused to do all the math problems once I proved to him that I could actually do the first few of them.

In my writeup about my life experiences that led to C-PTSD / PTSD, Dad didn't even get a negative mention, but after I read my 3rd PTSD book, it was clear that he should - the author described my Dad and our interchanges perfectly and it was easy to attribute him as an initial adversary, almost setting me up for worse things to come, as I joined the Navy where traumas became more frequent and diverse. It now occurs to me that although there's a loose connection between OliveJewell and myself ("Dads and positive thoughts"), I perhaps should have started a new thread with this... I'd appreciate some advice on this from someone.
 
I never broke contact with my dad, and I am so grateful for that. He changed over the years, and when he died we were on good terms. Did he do things that changed the course of my life and how I function as a human being forever? Absolutely. But I firmly believe he was acting and speaking from a place of his own trauma, and hating him just doesn't get me anywhere.

Those other incidents of (micro)traumas I endure(d) at the hands of the medical community? Nothing positive for them. It is intentional, repetitive, and practitioners make it a point to gaslight, refuse to hear, and force treatments that are harmful. I hate the medical community, my experience is that it is more abusive and harmful than ANY trauma I've been through, and that likely won't change.
 
Those other incidents of (micro)traumas I endure(d) at the hands of the medical community? Nothing positive for them. It is intentional, repetitive, and practitioners make it a point to gaslight, refuse to hear, and force treatments that are harmful. I hate the medical community, my experience is that it is more abusive and harmful than ANY trauma I've been through, and that likely won't change
Making those kinds of sweeping generalizations is one of the reasons there is so much hate, violence, turmoil, and distrust in our country today! We'll go after police, teachers, doctors, postal workers!! What about burn victims that are given new faces, heart transplant patients that are living active lives, cancer patients that are able to attend a loved one's wedding, or a baby that survives a traumatic birth? Without the skill of talented medical professionals a lot of people would be dead, maimed, disabled, and suffering today. My selfless daughter is a Developmental Behavioral Pediatric Specialist who dedicates her life to help suffering children and their families. It is far from a glamorous job, does not bring a top salary, and is screaming out for young people to enter that field (no one wants to because, quite frankly, it's unappealing). Gaslighting? Repetitive? She has patients who may be one of a handful of children in the world with that disorder. Why did she choose this depressing specialty? You can read her story in my diary.

I have suffered with chronic pain for 20 years - and will for the rest of my life - because of the bungling of incompetent surgeons and doctors. But blame it on the entire medical.community - not ever! Those of us who have suffered at the hands and words of others should have learned one huge lesson- Be A Bridge Builder! Use kind words, show grace, be a better person than the one whose hands and mouth injured you. Our country...this world...will be much better place to live for all of us.💜
 
Making those kinds of sweeping generalizations is one of the reasons there is so much hate, violence, turmoil, and distrust in our country today!
It is a thread about cognitive distortions about our abusers. Which is very relevant, as a key criteria for complex ptsd.

I have days where I can’t tolerate priests. Any of them. Some days I hate them all and yep, they’re responsible for the fall of the entire human race and, and, and…. That’s a fairly typical reaction for a person who has a history of clergy abuse.

In this place, folks have histories of trauma from all corners of all professions. More than one member here has a personal history of medical trauma. Expressed within the context of a thread like this, it makes perfect sense to me that “All …. are inherently evil and do harm to everyone they come in contact with” would appear in a conversation like this one, whether that be “priests”, “medical practitioners”, “women”, “fathers”, etc etc etc.

Our ability to empathise with our abuser is compromised (either by over-compensating, or the opposite - generalising our loathing to others in an identified group) by our abuse. That’s very typical of ptsd. Being able to identify it is the first, and most important, step in healing that particular symptom.
 
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