Pink Freud
Learning
Hello everyone,
I'm in a very strange situation and I could really use some advice. I'm diagnosed with PTSD, can't afford therapy at the moment, waiting lists are 8 months or more, but I'm going through a very tough time right now. Someone who I considered a friend from another country got me in touch with someone from his area who is studying psychology and is a year or so from being qualified for practicing psychotherapy. He is not licensed yet, but he seems to have gone through similar difficulties than I have. He agreed to help, said it would be peer support, and everything would be confidential.
My friend offered to pay for it (which I am very thankful for). But I only took the offer with the condition to pay him back and asked him to discuss the financial aspects before any agreements were being made. Before I had the chance to talk to him, they made an agreement and I feel like I have to pay him back whatever they agreed on. But ok... I didn't make a big deal out of it.
I had five sessions and then quit, even though it did help me. But my friend and the counselor were talking about me (including a diagnosis I didn't have before), so I felt like confidentiality was breached. The counselor was telling me he'd come up with a plan for what we're going to do but didn't and I wasn't sure what this would be exactly. Instead of peer support, it was more full-blown therapy with digging up traumatic memories. I was worried that if that would go on, I would be on my own with a lot more difficult feelings than I was already having and we had agreed on 10 to 12 weeks of peer-support/conseling. Another reason why I quit was that my friend was paying for the sessions, but I know he has feelings for me and I was worried that I would take advantage of that with letting him pay. I also felt uncomfortable that he was asking me about how the sessions went and what I was talking about. It felt like I had to report to him about my progress and felt pressured to make the best of it because he said something along the lines of how happy he would be to see my full potential unfold. I also felt like he expected me to fall in love with him even though he said no strings were attached to him taking care of the payment.
After I quit, they were talking about me again, coming up with another stigmatizing diagnosis because I was getting upset about that they were talking about me and my diagnosis. They called me 'emotionally dysregulated,' which actually made me emotionally dysregulated. I said something that was mean which also proved their point of the diagnosis they came up with.
Now I'm actually worse than before, which is another symptom of the diagnosis they gave me. I didn't get closure from the sessions because the last session wasn't happening because of a misunderstanding (maybe on my part). I'm dealing with a lot of memories and feelings that are quite hard to manage. I don't have support, the situation is blamed only on me and the diagnoses they came up and anything I do or say is proving them. My friend blocked me because I wanted to know what else they were talking about me. The diagnosis they came up with is actually something that no other mental health professional ever saw in me and I saw quite a few in my adult life. The counselor thinks it's just because they aren't trained in that specific field and doesn't seem to have a good opinion on 90% of psychologists anyway.
My friend and I had intensive contact over some time and I did enjoy it until some things happened in my life, that were difficult for me to handle as it was trauma related stuff. I tend to need space and time for myself when I get stressed and especially when I'm confronted with my trauma shit, so I took that space even though he felt rejected by it which created more problems and then I blocked him and dissapeard for years, which was a shitty move. I didn't do it to hurt him though or because I lost interest but I'm actually not good at handling things like that when I'm tailspinning. I got back in contact 6 or so months ago... Same again... Intense contact in the beginning, he helped me, he got me in contact with the counselor and offered to pay, but I felt like there were expectations I couldn't fulfill. It started again to get difficult when I told him I needed a bit of space and time for myself... Especially when I started this peer-support/counseling thing as it's difficult for me. He felt rejected again, I felt bad about it, so I tried to keep up with his desire to be close and in contact but couldn't. In the end... He told me, he was having thoughts, that I had phone sex with the counselor and accused me more or less of chatting with other people while I've been isolating because I've been online a lot on the messenger - that's where I was reading the links the counselor had sent me as well as reading papers.
Even if that's my subjective point of view... Does that really sound like everything is my fault and the result of my dysregulated emotions and mental illness?
I'm in a very strange situation and I could really use some advice. I'm diagnosed with PTSD, can't afford therapy at the moment, waiting lists are 8 months or more, but I'm going through a very tough time right now. Someone who I considered a friend from another country got me in touch with someone from his area who is studying psychology and is a year or so from being qualified for practicing psychotherapy. He is not licensed yet, but he seems to have gone through similar difficulties than I have. He agreed to help, said it would be peer support, and everything would be confidential.
My friend offered to pay for it (which I am very thankful for). But I only took the offer with the condition to pay him back and asked him to discuss the financial aspects before any agreements were being made. Before I had the chance to talk to him, they made an agreement and I feel like I have to pay him back whatever they agreed on. But ok... I didn't make a big deal out of it.
I had five sessions and then quit, even though it did help me. But my friend and the counselor were talking about me (including a diagnosis I didn't have before), so I felt like confidentiality was breached. The counselor was telling me he'd come up with a plan for what we're going to do but didn't and I wasn't sure what this would be exactly. Instead of peer support, it was more full-blown therapy with digging up traumatic memories. I was worried that if that would go on, I would be on my own with a lot more difficult feelings than I was already having and we had agreed on 10 to 12 weeks of peer-support/conseling. Another reason why I quit was that my friend was paying for the sessions, but I know he has feelings for me and I was worried that I would take advantage of that with letting him pay. I also felt uncomfortable that he was asking me about how the sessions went and what I was talking about. It felt like I had to report to him about my progress and felt pressured to make the best of it because he said something along the lines of how happy he would be to see my full potential unfold. I also felt like he expected me to fall in love with him even though he said no strings were attached to him taking care of the payment.
After I quit, they were talking about me again, coming up with another stigmatizing diagnosis because I was getting upset about that they were talking about me and my diagnosis. They called me 'emotionally dysregulated,' which actually made me emotionally dysregulated. I said something that was mean which also proved their point of the diagnosis they came up with.
Now I'm actually worse than before, which is another symptom of the diagnosis they gave me. I didn't get closure from the sessions because the last session wasn't happening because of a misunderstanding (maybe on my part). I'm dealing with a lot of memories and feelings that are quite hard to manage. I don't have support, the situation is blamed only on me and the diagnoses they came up and anything I do or say is proving them. My friend blocked me because I wanted to know what else they were talking about me. The diagnosis they came up with is actually something that no other mental health professional ever saw in me and I saw quite a few in my adult life. The counselor thinks it's just because they aren't trained in that specific field and doesn't seem to have a good opinion on 90% of psychologists anyway.
My friend and I had intensive contact over some time and I did enjoy it until some things happened in my life, that were difficult for me to handle as it was trauma related stuff. I tend to need space and time for myself when I get stressed and especially when I'm confronted with my trauma shit, so I took that space even though he felt rejected by it which created more problems and then I blocked him and dissapeard for years, which was a shitty move. I didn't do it to hurt him though or because I lost interest but I'm actually not good at handling things like that when I'm tailspinning. I got back in contact 6 or so months ago... Same again... Intense contact in the beginning, he helped me, he got me in contact with the counselor and offered to pay, but I felt like there were expectations I couldn't fulfill. It started again to get difficult when I told him I needed a bit of space and time for myself... Especially when I started this peer-support/counseling thing as it's difficult for me. He felt rejected again, I felt bad about it, so I tried to keep up with his desire to be close and in contact but couldn't. In the end... He told me, he was having thoughts, that I had phone sex with the counselor and accused me more or less of chatting with other people while I've been isolating because I've been online a lot on the messenger - that's where I was reading the links the counselor had sent me as well as reading papers.
Even if that's my subjective point of view... Does that really sound like everything is my fault and the result of my dysregulated emotions and mental illness?
Last edited: