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Relationship When it's time to leave

I walked away from the woman I love today. I know she is badly effected by CPTSD. I understand she wants to get better and in her moments of not being scared, confused or triggered by even the most innocent of things, she is the warm, beautiful, loving woman I so enjoy being with, but her CPTSD replaces this wonderful woman that I love with someone who despises me. It does so whenever it likes and most sadly of all seems to take pleasure in it.

I know it is not her but it is her voice. They are her words and they destroy me every time and time again.

I walked away because I love her

I walked away because it is the only thing I have the strength left to do...
 
I know it is not her but it is her voice.

It’s her. She’s not possessed by a devil. This is her, reacting to PTSD symptoms. Feeling like she’s “somebody else” or “a captive of PTSD” is a huuuge supporter trap. She is an adult. She is ultimately responsible for her behaviors and how she treats people.
 
It’s her. She’s not possessed by a devil. This is her, reacting to PTSD symptoms. Feeling like she’s “somebody else” or “a captive of PTSD” is a huuuge supporter trap. She is an adult. She is ultimately responsible for her behaviors and how she treats people.
Thanks Sweatpea76. It's what she told me. She told me it's not her fault and it's my responsibility to make sure I don't trigger her.
 
it's my responsibility to make sure I don't trigger her.
Which is pretty much impossible. There's just no way one person can know, with total accuracy, what's going to be "a trigger" for someone else. What a horrible life, having to tip toe around hoping you didn't accidentally "trigger" someone! And, what nifty tool to use to mess with people if you want, by constantly changing what's "a trigger" and making them responsible for guessing. Best wishes for the rest of your life! And I hope she gets the help she needs somewhere along her way.
 
That's a bunch of bullshit.

People with PTSD are responsible for managing their own triggers. If they can't, then they have no business being in a relationship with someone who might trigger them.

She sounds like a horrible person. Good for you for getting out.
Thanks for that 🤗

Which is pretty much impossible. There's just no way one person can know, with total accuracy, what's going to be "a trigger" for someone else. What a horrible life, having to tip toe around hoping you didn't accidentally "trigger" someone! And, what nifty tool to use to mess with people if you want, by constantly changing what's "a trigger" and making them responsible for guessing. Best wishes for the rest of your life! And I hope she gets the help she needs somewhere along her way.
Thank you scout86. I didn't consider she was actually choosing to do something so horrible. Well, that's not strictly true. I'm cursed with being a Heyoka Empath (and I mean cursed right now) so felt the anger and sensed the free choice in her behavior BUT I couldn't believe she would do this so I chose not to. Foolish? Yes! But love is profoundly strong but sadly equally naive...
 
The one thing I just don't get is that she is genuinely loving and gentle when everything is okay but as soon as the slightest, little, tiny thing happens she changes. The change takes about 2 minutes from lovely to monster and I can see it happening each time. In fact everyone who knows her can see it happening. It seems only she can't...
 
In fact everyone who knows her can see it happening. It seems only she can't...
That’s because it’s still “her” whether she’s being lovely or venomous. Only people on the outside make the distinction between “them” and “not them”. That distinction isn’t real.

To quote one of my favourite people?

“ It’s PTSD, not an alien brain sucker!!!”

Just like YOU are still “you” regardless of whether you’re happy, sad, tired, excited, angry, hurt, short tempered, or super patient? Those of us with PTSD are still “us” regardless of what we’re feeling and experiencing.
 
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She told me it's not her fault and it's my responsibility to make sure I don't trigger her.

Unless you know her specific triggers and are purposely exposing her to them you are not triggering her. She is being triggered. It’s happening in her head.

Also there is a vast difference between an actual trigger and a stressor.
 
That’s because it’s still “her” whether she’s being lovely or venomous. Only people on the outside make the distinction between “them” and “not them”. That distinction isn’t real.

To quote one of my favourite people?

“ It’s PTSD, not an alien brain sucker!!!”

Just like YOU are still “you” regardless of whether you’re happy, sad, tired, excited, angry, hurt, short tempered, or super patient? Those of us with PTSD are still “us” regardless of what we’re feeling and experiencing.
So can it be understood as having a bad day every day? The explosions used to happen about once a month but more recently they were happening almost every day. I have genuinely looked at myself to make sure I'm not to blame. Maybe I'm missing something obvious as she told me she wasn't like this with previous partners. That does point either to me being the problem or the combination of us. But why the worsening situation? Does this get worse?

Unless you know her specific triggers and are purposely exposing her to them you are not triggering her. She is being triggered. It’s happening in her head.

Also there is a vast difference between an actual trigger and a stressor.
Very, very interesting! So we ALL have stressors; her, me, our postman, but whereas she might get triggered by something which takes her straight back to one of the traumas, me and the postman don't have that traumatic frame of reference. So am I correct in understanding there's basically a lot of bad behaviour going on?
 
The one thing I just don't get is that she is genuinely loving and gentle when everything is okay
What you are perceiving as loving and gentle may, in fact, not be that at all. Her pathology could include her over-correcting after she's exploded.

So can it be understood as having a bad day every day?
Yes, but bigger than that.
So we ALL have stressors; her, me, our postman, but whereas she might get triggered by something which takes her straight back to one of the traumas
Yes - and this is actually the core of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Simply put: she has experienced traumatic events in the past that remain separate from the rest of the mind's memory storage. Under normal conditions, the mind will file away its daily experiences and as time moves forward, the mind perceives these memories as belonging to the past - not to the present or the future. When a person experiences an intense traumatic event, they may discover that the experience doesn't get filed away as typical memories do. In fact, it remains separated from remembered experience, and stays in our sense of the present moment.

Not all traumatic events will do this - but when they do, it's a medical issue. The traumatic memory needs to get filed into the past. This is called memory reconsolidation, and it is accomplished through an action referred to as trauma processing. Until the unfiled traumatic memory is processed, the sufferer will remain actively symptomatic. And even after the memory is processed - especially strong bits and pieces of it can flare up into the present moment again. This is why we say that PTSD isn't cured, so much as it is managed.

If she is aware that she has unresolved trauma, and is aware that she can be triggered into an upset state where she is unaware or incapable of regulating her own behavior...then she's at the point where it's very much her responsibility to engage in her own treatment.
I understand she wants to get better
If she wants to get better, she'll start working on getting better. It doesn't happen without deliberate engagement. Nothing you've said suggests that she is actually trying to heal.
The explosions used to happen about once a month but more recently they were happening almost every day. I have genuinely looked at myself to make sure I'm not to blame. Maybe I'm missing something obvious as she told me she wasn't like this with previous partners. That does point either to me being the problem or the combination of us.
Yeah, no. This has nothing to do with you. It's entirely to do with her, and her illness. The more one reinforces one's triggers by allowing them to exist completely unchecked, the worse one's condition gets. Purely a function of time. And I'd really encourage you to get your head around this. Your thinking that the explanation must be found in either you being the problem, or the two of you together being the problem...Nope.

The problem is, she was traumatized and now cannot regulate herself.

And until she sees it that way, there's absolutely nothing that anyone can do to help her.
 
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