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My boyfriend of 3 years choked me last in a drunken rage. I called police and he is there waiting for judge. Why do I feel guilty?

hello sam. welcome to the forum.

i've chased that proverbial weasel around the why-berry bush more rounds than i could possibly count and have an equal number of theories on why i have those guilt attacks for protecting myself, but think i'll just skip those for now and skip to the part of why i'm glad i burned the why-berry bush and am simply glad i pushed my way through the heart-breaking process of carrying through on pressing those charges. learning how to protect myself opened more healing doors than any other tool i've picked up in psychotherapy. holding myself as worthy of being protected was a boom for my self-esteem, all by itself. a time or three, pressing those charges led to healing breakthroughs and healthier boundries for the other parties, as well.

i don't know why, but i hope you stand your ground, sam. you are worthy of being protected.
dare i hope it leads to healthier boundaries and healing breakthroughs with your bf, also? just hoping. . .
 
If you have PTSD the guilt could be from a whoooooooole lotta possible sources both past (links to past trauma, dysregulation, stress cup, cognitive distortions & core beliefs, etc.) and present.

If you haven’t been previously diagnosed with PTSD, then it’s most likely “just” part of the flooding maelstrom of thoughts/emotions/adrenaline-crash/ that is a part of surviving a violent assault + heartbreak/ shock/ confusion/ pain/ grief/ and loss when the person who has assaulted you is someone you love & all your hopes/dreams/plans for the future just came crashing down.

***

If you’ve already been diagnosed with PTSD from past trauma? Now would be a very good time to get back into trauma therapy, to work on processing this trauma & getting on top of the symptom spike… so your life doesn’t spiral out of control, as new trauma just stacks onto all the rest.

If you don’t have PTSD then now is the BEST TIME to immediately get into trauma therapy, in the hopes of preventing not only PTSD, but all the other disorders & conditions that so often result from trauma. More on that here >>> Traumatic resilience: avoiding ptsd
 
hello sam. welcome to the forum.

i've chased that proverbial weasel around the why-berry bush more rounds than i could possibly count and have an equal number of theories on why i have those guilt attacks for protecting myself, but think i'll just skip those for now and skip to the part of why i'm glad i burned the why-berry bush and am simply glad i pushed my way through the heart-breaking process of carrying through on pressing those charges. learning how to protect myself opened more healing doors than any other tool i've picked up in psychotherapy. holding myself as worthy of being protected was a boom for my self-esteem, all by itself. a time or three, pressing those charges led to healing breakthroughs and healthier boundries for the other parties, as well.

i don't know why, but i hope you stand your ground, sam. you are worthy of being protected.
dare i hope it leads to healthier boundaries and healing breakthroughs with your bf, also? just hoping. . .
Thank you for kind and wise words.

If you have PTSD the guilt could be from a whoooooooole lotta possible sources both past (links to past trauma, dysregulation, stress cup, cognitive distortions & core beliefs, etc.) and present.

If you haven’t been previously diagnosed with PTSD, then it’s most likely “just” part of the flooding maelstrom of thoughts/emotions/adrenaline-crash/ that is a part of surviving a violent assault + heartbreak/ shock/ confusion/ pain/ grief/ and loss when the person who has assaulted you is someone you love & all your hopes/dreams/plans for the future just came crashing down.

***

If you’ve already been diagnosed with PTSD from past trauma? Now would be a very good time to get back into trauma therapy, to work on processing this trauma & getting on top of the symptom spike… so your life doesn’t spiral out of control, as new trauma just stacks onto all the rest.

If you don’t have PTSD then now is the BEST TIME to immediately get into trauma therapy, in the hopes of preventing not only PTSD, but all the other disorders & conditions that so often result from trauma. More on that here >>> Traumatic resilience: avoiding ptsd
I do have PTSD diagnosed from many other issues created by my late husbands volatile personality and his addictions.
I’m trying to get into therapy again but it’s going slowly.
 
My boyfriend of 3 years choked me last in a drunken rage. I called police and he is there waiting for judge. Why do I feel guilty?
Nearly my entire formative years/life, after being physically abused (also sexually) I was made to feel guilty for the pain that was inflicted upon me. I've been told this is a manipulative tactic that my abuser used to take focus off of himself, and to put the blame on me his victim for the beatings, etc. What I've read says this is my abuser's way of devaluing me. My abuser seemed to empower and enjoy himself by having control over me, and beating me, belittling me, and using psychological projection to blame me - his victim, My thoughts are with you. ((((hugs)))).
 
My boyfriend of 3 years choked me last in a drunken rage. I called police and he is there waiting for judge. Why do I feel guilty?
Because our emotions are complicated and interpersonal relationships are complicated. But your instincts to call the cops were right. He should feel guilty for hurting you and he was physically harming you, that’s domestic violence if he’s your boyfriend. Trust the part of you that wants to protect you
 
My boyfriend of 3 years choked me last in a drunken rage. I called police and he is there waiting for judge. Why do I feel guilty?
Right before I left, literally my ex did the same thing to me. He held me against the wall and was choking me. at that point, I wasn’t ready to leave so I didn’t do anything. And when I left, it took me a really long time to tell anyone that he had gotten physical but in that moment, I felt like I had done something to deserve it. I felt guilty.

Looking back on it now after having no communication with my ex for two years I look back and I can’t believe I ever thought I deserved that or I did something to make him do that, and it was my fault.


I’m so happy you called the cops you did the right thing 100%. my ex had me so manipulated and so gaslighted that he could’ve done just about anything, and I would’ve felt guilty like it was my fault that I caused him to do that because he had me like hypnotized, he just manipulated and gaslighted me to the point that I was brainwashed to think that.

when I left, I constantly felt guilty, but after cutting off all communication and even a bit before then, the guilt was no longer there. It was anger and of course I felt the “why did I stay this long.” My guilt did linger, but it went away, and it seems like you have strong boundaries by calling the cops and good instincts just hold onto those and maybe think about going to therapy. I saw that you said in the comment above that it’s going slowly. I don’t know if that means just making yourself go or pushing yourself to go or if it’s just financially, insurance wise or something whenever you can go I highly recommend it. It’s helped me so much. And I know our experiences are different. This is just one person’s opinion. :)
 
Right before I left, literally my ex did the same thing to me. He held me against the wall and was choking me. at that point, I wasn’t ready to leave so I didn’t do anything. And when I left, it took me a really long time to tell anyone that he had gotten physical but in that moment, I felt like I had done something to deserve it. I felt guilty.

Looking back on it now after having no communication with my ex for two years I look back and I can’t believe I ever thought I deserved that or I did something to make him do that, and it was my fault.


I’m so happy you called the cops you did the right thing 100%. my ex had me so manipulated and so gaslighted that he could’ve done just about anything, and I would’ve felt guilty like it was my fault that I caused him to do that because he had me like hypnotized, he just manipulated and gaslighted me to the point that I was brainwashed to think that.

when I left, I constantly felt guilty, but after cutting off all communication and even a bit before then, the guilt was no longer there. It was anger and of course I felt the “why did I stay this long.” My guilt did linger, but it went away, and it seems like you have strong boundaries by calling the cops and good instincts just hold onto those and maybe think about going to therapy. I saw that you said in the comment above that it’s going slowly. I don’t know if that means just making yourself go or pushing yourself to go or if it’s just financially, insurance wise or something whenever you can go I highly recommend it. It’s helped me so much. And I know our experiences are different. This is just one person’s opinion. :)
Thank you for the thoughts. It’s a long waiting list for therapists here.
 
Thank you for the thoughts. It’s a long waiting list for therapists here.
Oh yeah, I was on a waiting list for one for months. And I called to ask where it was and they couldn’t even tell me I ended up going online and I just typed in PTSD counselors for my area and someone popped up that a lot good ratings and going to her actually have sessions on the phone most of the time but she is awesome I’m so glad I went on the Internet the day!

But I saw someone before this person for PTSD and realized it wasn’t a good fit. She was really nice but she didn’t really specialize in PTSD and I wasn’t getting anything out of it anymore so that’s when I decided to make a switch.
 
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