sidptitala
Confident
i feel like new memories of csa are popping into my head all of a sudden. it started in 2020 as a single dream, but then the dreams got more and more frequent since the end of 2022 and now the images and sensations come when i'm awake too. im not really committed to thinking of these things as memories but the possibility that they are is really disturbing to me.
at the same time, i have been through something like this before. about 10 years ago memories from my childhood came back to me in a very physical way (mostly when i was trying to have a sexuality with men). but at the time i thought what i remembered was just extreme and misguided physical abuse ('discipline' lol) that i for whatever reason would remember when someone would try to have sex with me (or when i tried to do martial arts). i thought it was an unfortunate coincidence. and i also wasn't really able to articulate or understand the level of pain that it caused me.
fast forward a few months of these memories and the abuser in them attacked me again (i was 21). it was like time stopped for me. i became homeless, i almost dropped out of college but somehow didn't and i developed the symptoms of ptsd from that one event (but i didn't know it until several years later). i've spent my whole 20s trying to handle undiagnosed ptsd by myself. i did try to get diagnosed about 5/6 years ago but the medical system where i live doesn't recognise ptsd or diagnose mental illnesses other than schizophrenia (which my sister has) so i ended up trying antidepressants and stopping when they made me extra suicidal. i also paid for person centred counselling, which really helped to an extent (someone sympathetic to talk to) and also has been too much of a bandaid on a wound (just listening, not really helping me understand why i have the issues i have). im doing my best to afford twice monthly sessions but thats (a) not often enough right now and (b) more than i can afford and i need to quit.
im trying to get diagnosed again now because one way of coping with my ptsd symptoms has been to go and work in war zones. which has helped some aspects and also added new layers of unresolved trauma the longer it goes without getting help for it. i presented myself to a gatekeeper dr about never sleeping and nightmares and to my surprise he asked about my work history and seemed concerned about ptsd., which there is now a better awareness of in that health system. i really feel the benefit of being older and having a documented history of trying to seek help for the same medical issue- its helping them listen to me. it also makes me realise how much we gaslight women and children about their experiences- because honestly, the ptsd i have from that stuff is way worse than the war stuff that is helping me get taken seriously. i have been referred for general mental health diagnosis and i don't yet know if diagnosis and/or treatment for ptsd exists in my country, or how many months or years i will be waiting. and while that is excruciating, i have been handling this problem alone my entire adult life and its such a relief to have the possibility of help with it. i never thought i would survive this, and had completely given up on getting help.
im really nervous though about how much of my personal history to disclose to mental health professionals. its hard to disguise who my abuser is in my biography, because it's my dad. and im wary of saying that the thoughts, images and bodily feelings i have are actual memories in case i have to defend that to anyone, especially him. im not ready for him to know i've spoken about this in any way and worried that he will find out if i i talk about it- that the whole thing will become a can of worms i can't ever take back. i've learned already that the consequences of standing up to abuse can be severe (homelessness, losing your family, being discredited as hysterical so you must have deserved whatever came to you) and im just not prepared to have to do that again. its my own healing i'm searching for, not a fantasy of justice i'll never have. i would be interested to know how other people navigate 'coming out' to professionals or even to friends about abuse but especially about potential incest/csa when they are still in contact with the abuser. do you obscure who the abuser is? and if you do that how do you answer questions about your family and upbringing?
at the same time, i have been through something like this before. about 10 years ago memories from my childhood came back to me in a very physical way (mostly when i was trying to have a sexuality with men). but at the time i thought what i remembered was just extreme and misguided physical abuse ('discipline' lol) that i for whatever reason would remember when someone would try to have sex with me (or when i tried to do martial arts). i thought it was an unfortunate coincidence. and i also wasn't really able to articulate or understand the level of pain that it caused me.
fast forward a few months of these memories and the abuser in them attacked me again (i was 21). it was like time stopped for me. i became homeless, i almost dropped out of college but somehow didn't and i developed the symptoms of ptsd from that one event (but i didn't know it until several years later). i've spent my whole 20s trying to handle undiagnosed ptsd by myself. i did try to get diagnosed about 5/6 years ago but the medical system where i live doesn't recognise ptsd or diagnose mental illnesses other than schizophrenia (which my sister has) so i ended up trying antidepressants and stopping when they made me extra suicidal. i also paid for person centred counselling, which really helped to an extent (someone sympathetic to talk to) and also has been too much of a bandaid on a wound (just listening, not really helping me understand why i have the issues i have). im doing my best to afford twice monthly sessions but thats (a) not often enough right now and (b) more than i can afford and i need to quit.
im trying to get diagnosed again now because one way of coping with my ptsd symptoms has been to go and work in war zones. which has helped some aspects and also added new layers of unresolved trauma the longer it goes without getting help for it. i presented myself to a gatekeeper dr about never sleeping and nightmares and to my surprise he asked about my work history and seemed concerned about ptsd., which there is now a better awareness of in that health system. i really feel the benefit of being older and having a documented history of trying to seek help for the same medical issue- its helping them listen to me. it also makes me realise how much we gaslight women and children about their experiences- because honestly, the ptsd i have from that stuff is way worse than the war stuff that is helping me get taken seriously. i have been referred for general mental health diagnosis and i don't yet know if diagnosis and/or treatment for ptsd exists in my country, or how many months or years i will be waiting. and while that is excruciating, i have been handling this problem alone my entire adult life and its such a relief to have the possibility of help with it. i never thought i would survive this, and had completely given up on getting help.
im really nervous though about how much of my personal history to disclose to mental health professionals. its hard to disguise who my abuser is in my biography, because it's my dad. and im wary of saying that the thoughts, images and bodily feelings i have are actual memories in case i have to defend that to anyone, especially him. im not ready for him to know i've spoken about this in any way and worried that he will find out if i i talk about it- that the whole thing will become a can of worms i can't ever take back. i've learned already that the consequences of standing up to abuse can be severe (homelessness, losing your family, being discredited as hysterical so you must have deserved whatever came to you) and im just not prepared to have to do that again. its my own healing i'm searching for, not a fantasy of justice i'll never have. i would be interested to know how other people navigate 'coming out' to professionals or even to friends about abuse but especially about potential incest/csa when they are still in contact with the abuser. do you obscure who the abuser is? and if you do that how do you answer questions about your family and upbringing?