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BAD SEX----

mamachick

MyPTSD Pro
My husband is bad at sex. I know it sounds judgmental, after all, who the hell am I.
When we me, I had been the victim of a marital rape, quite regularly. So when sex wasn't a priority, I was glad. First guy I met that was this way to be honest. It was refreshing.
Then when we did have sex, he got his goodies, but I didn't get mine, I thought it would get better. Again, so grateful for his being gently. I married him, thinking it would get better. It didnt. I already had a daughter that was 11 when we had a new daughter. By this time, I was getting really frustrated. I came across a magazine ad for a "Better Sex Video", because frankly, when I brought up the subject of oral sex or anything else, he literally called me a pervert and withdrew.

Well we watched the video which included oral sex, mutual masterbation and normal stuff. The video itself turned him on and he accepted this little bit of spice. lol
So now, I could get off when he gave me oral sex...but he could still never penetrate me more that 5 seconds before coming. Sex was always super quick, like under a minute. I expressed that I wanted to feel him inside of me but he dismissed it. One time after a Christmas party with alcohol, I cried and expressed it to him. His excuse was always the same, that I turned him on too much. By now, I knew better.

We had other issues in out marriage, like raising children and dividing housework. Finally we got to be too divided and separated. I was in grad school. Wasn't long that I started dating someone who had been our marriage counselor. Since it had been years, was a moot point. However, the guy had a history of sexual abuse. Well, it happened to me as well. I sure hope I never see myself in a video, as I was drugged. Got away from this guy and went on with my life.

After that, I had a few lovers. All different, but all were good. Connections, intimacy, and sex were all good. Not here to compare the best, but all normal. All very satisfying. However, none of these relationships lasted for various reasons. They all made me aware of how bad my marital sexual relationship was. My husband still wanted to get back together during these years. There came a time that my daughter wasn't speaking to me (she desperately wanted her parents together and would never accept anyone else in her life.. I agreed to date my ex and did so.. Ir was on the heals of my sister dying from cancer and he was there for me. I was having health problems and he stayed at my house, eventually moving i. We agreed to no sex. However, Once again, there is no affection. Its been several years and I am finding it dirricut. I quit smoking 4 yrs ago and am no craving. He is so cold. There is not sex, which he blames on me, rightfully so. I just cannot participate in bad sex (though we did try a couple of times. My question is this , Are there people who are just bad at sex, but now just sex, but also intimacy with another person.? I think this is the case and we should separate immediately. Its much worse and not better. Also, there is no opportunity to experience anything else. I no longer feel attractive because I am faithful. But I can't stand the idea of trying that bad sex. Any advice is welcome.
 
Oh ya, and now at 64 yrs old, I would like a divorce. I can pay for it now, which I couldn't for all those years. Does anyone think that it is possible to live a happy life without any form of affect (sex aside). Has anyone succeeded? Honestly, its not about the sex, its about the way of life. Im so sad.
 
I don't know. It didn't work for me. My ex was horrible in bed. He preferred to masturbate to porn. He also couldn't keep a job and didn't contribute around the house. I couldn't take a marriage without affection or sex. He blamed his inability to perform on me and was shocked when he had the same problem with his next girlfriend after me. So shocked that he had to share that with me. I could have been happy if he would have worked on his issue with sex, but by the time he started to work on it, I had already left. I also could have been happy if he didn't work, but kept up the house and took care of my son, but no, he wasn't willing to do that either.
 
Are there people who are just bad at sex, but now just sex, but also intimacy with another person.?
I think in order to BE good at sex, a person has to… not necessarily be I good at intimacy… but be good at the components that create intimacy. IE paying attention to how the other person is reacting/responding & act/react in kind. Use that to build up a base skill set (the rut people often fall into is no longer paying attention after that!), and then continue to add depth. Whether you’re talking sex, or any other team-event / partnership.

It’s why people who are good dancers, good fighters, good musicians, good conversationalists, etc… are almoooooost universally good in bed. Because it requires dynamic interaction with someone else.

Now, a person can be skilled in one kind of dynamic interaction and totally suck at another, and one finds savants and prodigies in the most unlikely situations, but? It’s one of those things that I’ve come to expect that if a person is a lousy partner in any specific area? That’s what one can expect across the board.
 
I think this is the case and we should separate immediately. Its much worse and not better. Also, there is no opportunity to experience anything else. I no longer feel attractive because I am faithful. But I can't stand the idea of trying that bad sex. Any advice is welcome.
Sex therapy? As a couple?

Premature ejaculatuon is a 'thing' (please take what I say with all the caution as I'm a lesbian so what the hell do I know about these things?!). I can imagine there is a lot of shame involved. But can he muster up the courage to talk about this with someone?

You sound very unhappy. And it sounds a very unhappy pattern that you and he have settled into where neither of you are happy (and both feeling the other should do something different to make it better?).

So: wonder if couples sex therapy, where you both take accountability for where you are at, might help?
 
Many good points here.
Friday, right on target about other aspects of life. He is a computer guy. The program and way he operates is pretty black and white, right and wrong. Doesn't require the kind of investment other professions do.
As far as couples counseling, I guess the hard truth is, I really don't want to go there......
The flip side is, that in many aspects I am the most comfortable I have been in my life. Im in a safe place, not in poverty, etc., and in my golden years. I want to enjoy them. I have been compartmentalizing for so long, that most of the time it works. Once in awhile, I just want to be held and comforted for a bit. Its just too much to expect. I feel sad knowing the things he has missed in life.
 
I guess my only sex advice ever is you literally just have to talk about things before you do them, like alot. You gotta be specific about what you like and want, and communicate during the act too. Just never stop talking. But thats my perspective as a dude who has casual sex with both men and women. In my little world, not communicating leads to bad times, and its not just about likes and dislikes. I'm going to straight up ask you if you are taking PrEP, that condoms are a must, and if either of us says stop, we stop and move on with no hard feelings.
 
white raven- I understand when you say you have cats in your life and couldn't deal with another human. That is maybe partly where I am at right now too. I have that human, and if we can get along on other topics, and are communicating well, that's about all the energy I have at this point in life. I would not prefer for him to leave and neither would he.
 
SA-nix- Not using condoms or PrEP.
Thats more of an issue over in my queer world. I just used it as a refrence for how I talk with a potential partner about sex. You should absolutly be specific about what things you like and dislike during sex. Be blunt and don't talk in metaphor or code. ie, i like giving and receiving oral sex, are you good with both?
 
Many good points here.
Friday, right on target about other aspects of life. He is a computer guy. The program and way he operates is pretty black and white, right and wrong. Doesn't require the kind of investment other professions do.
As far as couples counseling, I guess the hard truth is, I really don't want to go there......
The flip side is, that in many aspects I am the most comfortable I have been in my life. Im in a safe place, not in poverty, etc., and in my golden years. I want to enjoy them. I have been compartmentalizing for so long, that most of the time it works. Once in awhile, I just want to be held and comforted for a bit. Its just too much to expect. I feel sad knowing the things he has missed in life.
This sounds like you want things to be slightly different. But not willing to do some things to make it different.

I’ve learnt that if I want something to be different. I have to change. I have to try different things.

so, if you don’t want to do anything different, can you accept the relationship as it is?
pr if you want something more from the relationship, what will you do differently to try to achieve it?
 
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