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Successes and Failures - How Do I Stop Victim Blaming Myself

Ecdysis

MyPTSD Pro
I seem to have a core belief that goes something like this:

If I have/ achieve a success in life, that's proof that my childhood abuse and the abuser were wrong. I'm a decent person.

If I have/ experience failures in life, it's proof that my abuser was right. I'm a bad person and I deserve to have bad things happen to me.

Anyone else have the same pattern?

Anyone been able to stop this pattern?
 
Yes I can also relate to that very much @Ecdysis.

For a long time, I thought everything that went wrong in my life was simply evidence that I was a bad person and somehow to blame for my abuse.

I think it's often said that children internalise or blame themselves for the abuse that was perpetrated upon them. For me, it was tied up with the nature of shame. It gave me licence to beat myself up.

It took a long time for me to accept that all the challenges were not simply a consequence of those early events, but more of an unravelling of sorts, of myself, of where I was headed, or where I wanted to head but couldn't…I think I got to a point where I just decided to go along with it…that my path in life was going to be a bit different. I let go of typical notions of what success looked like…I got the help I needed when I needed it...and life opened up different doors with which I'm now grateful for.

All the best,
Sahararose
 
i'm not so approval-oriented, but my own pattern runs to fear of unrealistic expectations. success comes with responsibilities i feel ill-equipped to handle.
 
Other people’s approval being more important than your own?

Fo’ sho.

In essence? f*ck them.
How much easier life gets when you do!!! Where I used to work was really cliquey and gossipy and when I got away from all that and didn't care - life was so much easier.

Stop failing - either you do or you don't, In other words - I didn't fail at making pancakes - I just didn't make pancakes.
 
I can see how caring/ not caring about other ppl's opinions adds another layer to it.

That's not what I mean tho.

I mean successes and failures as defined by myself/ according to my own standards.

I guess my brain has replaced the abusive vs kind parent with the universe (god?) who is being either punishing or supportive of me by rewarding me with a success or punishing me with a failure
 
I mean successes and failures as defined by myself/ according to my own standards.
Yes…. But the focus of proving someone wrong?

Is still sticking them up on a pedestal. Where their opinion of you (right about you if you fail, wrong about you if you succeed), is the driving force / foundation off of which you judge yourself. Proving them wrong matters. So you’re taking them with you, into every area of your life, and judging yourself off of what you would imagine they think, what they’ve told you they think, off of what their perspective of you would be. Right/Wrong, their beliefs about you matter more than your own.

So I’m preeeeeeetty sure we’re still talking about the same thing? Just from different perspectives.

I could be totally wrong, though. Often am.
 
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I mean successes and failures as defined by myself/ according to my own standards.
Are you holding standards that are not always achievable with you complex mental health problem?

Almost every day I have to accept that I can not do things to a standard I want to. When you have done your best that's all you can do.....so did you fail of did you do the best you could??
 
Yes…. But the focus of proving someone wrong?

Is still sticking them up on a pedestal. Where their opinion of you (right about you if you fail, wrong about you if you succeed), is the driving force / foundation off of which you judge yourself. Proving them wrong matters. So you’re taking them with you, into every area of your life, and judging yourself off of what you would imagine they think, what they’ve told you they think, off of what their perspective of you would be. Right/Wrong, their beliefs about you matter more than your own.

So I’m preeeeeeetty sure we’re still talking about the same thing? Just from different perspectives.

I could be totally wrong, though. Often am.

I've been giving this some thought today... trying to figure it out. I think what I'm talking about is more an internalised version of victim blaming. So, when something bad happens to me, it must have been my fault somehow. Other people's opinion's don't really enter into it. So I guess my question should be: how do I stop doing victim blaming in my own life, both in big and small cases.
 
Are you comparing current majorly depressed Ecdysis standards to previously higher functioning Ecdysis standards of success and failure?

You recognize the cognitive distortion for what it is. There's no higher power punishing and rewarding you.

The way you stop victim blaming yourself is the same way you would tell others to stop.
You step outside your head and talk to you as you would to someone else, as if you were someone else.
 
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