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Relationship How Often Does A Person With Ptsd Want To Be Contacted?

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FaithJL

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I've been dealing with my friend for about 7 months now. It started out great then came the highs and lows. We would have good weeks where communication is constant, then he'll shut down for days or weeks and treat me just like anybody else especially after talks of the future we could have.

I was told by a friend who is a therapist that constancy is good, and I just need to let him know I'm there. But how much constancy would a person with PTSD appreciate before it becomes a stressor to them? I mean, is it ok to contact everyday even though he doesn't respond?

He seems to appreciate it as long as I don't ask why it's hard for him to respond when we actually get to talk, but I'm not sure if he just doesn't say anything. If he doesn't respond, should I stop sending him messages altogether?
 
Consistency is good Faith, but sometime he will not be able to respond. Just a "Hope you have an OK day", is probably all that is needed, but for some on bad days even this can be too much.

One good way to find out is to ask him when you do talk, ask him if it is OK to send a message each morning. If he says it is OK then fine, but if he asks you to stop, you must respect his wishes.

It is hard to know what to do for the best, and you will just have to follow what he wants for now.
 
I don't mind being contacted, but just once a day maybe (generally speaking) and best for me is e-mail or postal mail, because I can choose when I am ready to read it. I want to read it when I am capable of taking it in as it was intended, to be able to honor it, even if only in silence some days...
 
Hi Faith,
I have a similar story. My boyfriend has combat PTSD. He suddenly disappeared about 3 weeks ago after having a really good dating relationship for 3 or 4 months. We are both Christians, so I proceeded as I would any friend who was not well.

I sent him physical letters in the mail with scripture and supportive words, but no pressure for a relationship. I sent these letters once or twice a week. He called me yesterday and was very emotional. He told me he has been in and out of the hospital trying to get his medication under control.

He was very emotional and appreciative about the letters I've been sending. He wants to get together this week, but there is no pressure on my end. I am just there as a supportive friend for now. If he feels better and wants to pursue the relationship at some point I would be open to that. I am letting him go for now so he can get better.

It is also critical for me to remain totally engaged in my own life right now, keeping it full and busy and productive. I have a tendency in the past to be a co-dependent enabler and I can become very sick very fast if I am not careful to keep my oxygen mask on at all times.

I feel this is a good lesson God is teaching me. How to remain whole, while caring for/about someone else. Not losing myself, which is what I have a tendency to do.

Sorry for rambling, but in answer to your question, my boyfriend seemed to appreciate very much the letters I have sent him.

Sincerely,
Dallas.
 
Ask him. I have ptsd but I'm a bit different than most I think. Instead of being social at times then isolating myself, I'm kind of overwhelmed by human interaction and don't really now how to make friends, so I pretty much am always alone.

For me, I'd love it if someone would care about me enough to try and contact me, and if they did, I can't imagine I would almost ever feel like they were intruding or annoying me.

Thats me though, so ask him in a non threatening and matter of fact manner when he is having a good day and you are spending time together.
 
For me, I'd love it if someone would care about me enough to try and contact me,

Loner, I have heard quite a few friends (over the years) say something like this to me. And yes, I am aware you are not any of them. But still I'd like to ask you a question about this: If I turn this statement around, does that mean that you think if people don't try and contact you, they don't care (enough) about you?

and if they did, I can't imagine I would almost ever feel like they were intruding or annoying me.

And sorry, this is my English and being in not too good a state today... What does this mean? Does it mean you would or would not feel like they were intruding or annoying you? Sorry, I have re-read and don't get it.
 
First one, yea, I think that since no one ever calls me or contacts me, no one really cares much about me. I don't make it more complicated than that, I just isolate and havent really given many people a reason to care about me. Its not that its impossible for anyone to care about a person like me, I just don't think there is anyone who does care much about me. Obviously sometimes peopel just get busy with other things, but since NO ONE ever really contacts me or reaches out to me, I don't think anyone cares.


The second, I meant that even if I was in an emotional state where I didn't want to socialize, I do not think I would be annoyed or aggravated at people wanting to contact me. I would be grateful they cared enough to try and i would make an effort to get together with them at another time which would work better for me.

I'm sorry you're not doing well today. I hope things get better.
 
He seems to appreciate it as long as I don't ask why it's hard for him to respond when we actually get to talk, but I'm not sure if he just doesn't say anything. If he doesn't respond, should I stop sending him messages altogether?


Just to add my two cents. Sometimes it's REALLY hard for me to respond to my friends when they text me. I really appreciate that they want to talk to me, but at the same time I feel pressured. Especially if they ask the dreaded questions "Hey what are you up to?" "Hey how are you?" "Hey what are you thinking about?"

I hate those questions. Because when I'm having a bad day I only have 2 options. 1. Respond honestly, and tell them I'm having a shit day. tell them that I'm depressed about being depressed. And admitting that I'm depressed only makes me more depressed. And then I feel like a Negative Nancy because now I'm brining my friend's mood down. Or my second option is to ignore the text. Which I feel equally bad about doing. But at least I'm not spreading the misery.

I would say avoid asking those kinds of questions. They only bring attention to something they've been trying to forget all day. I'm far more apt to respond to a text about nonsensical things like... "HOLY $*!@! JUST saw the biggest motha f'ing spider in my life!" With texts like that I don't feel pressure and I'm not reminded of what I'm trying to forget. And I'm more likely to respond as well as seek out that person.

I know it's not a lot, but I hope it helps.
 
Thanks 99Phoenix99. I could imagine my friend doing the same thing you mentioned. It's good to hear your point of view.
 
I would say avoid asking those kinds of questions. They only bring attention to something they've been trying to forget all day. I'm far more apt to respond to a text about nonsensical things like... "HOLY $*!@! JUST saw the biggest motha f'ing spider in my life!" With texts like that I don't feel pressure and I'm not reminded of what I'm trying to forget. And I'm more likely to respond as well as seek out that person.

That's interesting. I'm the supporter of someone with PTSD, but have depression/anxiety myself. I am quite a hermit really and in recent times, I have found myself ignoring certain texts/emails whereby people (who I do know genuinely care and are wonderful friends) are asking how I am. It makes me feel... guilty somehow and as Phoenix said, like a Negative Nancy. I would definitely be more likely to respond to someone saying something like Phoenix said too - it's one of those situations that doesn't involve any pressure, and is a distraction too :)

One good way to find out is to ask him when you do talk, ask him if it is OK to send a message each morning. If he says it is OK then fine, but if he asks you to stop, you must respect his wishes.

It is hard to know what to do for the best, and you will just have to follow what he wants for now.

Wise words by Amethist, too :)

Good luck.
 
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