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That's why I need the copy.

I am. I have to live because I have a family who need me. I have no desire to live myself, though. If I could replace myself with a copy so my family would never know the difference, I'd be gone by morning.

I used to dream a lot about places I knew, all shattered and burning, the sky all filled with smoke. In these dreams I was always getting ready to make a last stand against some enemy that I never saw. Lately, though, I've mostly dreamed about fire and trying to rescue people. I'm really not...

My day has been tiring but exciting. We had multiple incidents of varying types and of the last 24 hours I've spent about 12 in my fire gear. Also, I found a song I really like but had never heard before!.

I don't. While I'm on duty at the coastguard practically everything is a trigger and I have no effective way of dealing with it beyond just trying to keep my face straight and the tears in. I'm not sure how much longer this can go on.

I sing.

Okay, this was a nasty one and I have no idea where it came from. Dreams about war and fire are pretty normal for me and don't really scare me, but this was something different. I need to type it out to get my head straight, but if you read this, be warned it is very strange and pretty...

I try not to dwell on these things but I have two major stumbling blocks: firstly, I have a baby daughter and every minute of every day I'm haunted by the idea that the guy who did what he did to me planted some kind of seed of evil in me that means my daughter isn't safe as long as I'm alive...

Heh, my problem is that I can't shut up about it. That's why I'm here.

work

Cannot save everybody. This realisation makes precisely nothing any easier.

Feeling extremely unwell. Lightheaded, really want to lie down.

Today has been awful. My emotions are completely out of control and I dissolved into tears and snot all over some poor woman at the Samaritans' office in town.

I used my lunchbreak to go to the Samaritans :(

Exhausted. I did a 12 hour watch yesterday, starting at 0630, then up until 0100 at a fire call (the eighth in three days) then back up at 0510 to go back to work for another 12 hours. I'm barely able to stay awake.

Today has been a good day. I was out in the garden with my daughter cutting the grass and rocking out thanks to the radio-cum-ipod dock that I got for my birthday. Watching a ten month old baby dancing to my power metal playlist was hilarious.

My daughter learning to 'speak'. I love that her phrase for 'this tastes really nice' or 'that looks like it tastes really nice' is 'nyam nyam nyam'.

I have this problem sometimes with my daughter. I think it comes from dealing with incidents involving children at work. It's very unsettling.

The so-called 'world economy' is pretty much a mangled wreck these days- what with the root causes of the last crash remaining unaddressed and the finance industry slipping back into its old habits- and some pretty bad times are on the cards when the Grand High Heedjins run out of slight-of-hand...

When I'm angry at someone I generally just insert a small amount of threat into my tone of voice, gradually progressing to red-faced shouting if they are bright enough to get the hint. If they really make me angry I'll wait a while, then try to make them look a fool by belittling them and...

Well, I suppose they're okay if you don't mind high crime rates, noise, bad air, concrete everywhere, no sense of community etc. etc.

I rarely go anywhere without bringing my ipod. I've always been like that, though. I just love music and find things like bus journeys tedious in the extreme without it.

Hmmm. Empathy and compassion. Well, they're in there, but I don't generally let them affect my decision making except in trivial matters. As to 'how much'...I have no idea.

Cities are just hideous, even without PTSD. I'd say 'head back'.

My daughter gurgling down the 'phone at me when I called home.