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  1. Strangelongtrip

    Childhood loss of childhood home

    I'm moving this week (finally) at least temporarily. I've been so depressed since July knowing this was going to happen. I'm leaving the home I grew up from 11 to 23 in and a few weeks ago I lost the home I grew up from birth to 11 (long story, lol). It's like...I'm sad to lose it but it also...
  2. Strangelongtrip

    when I develop feelings trauma resurges

    Whenever I can feel myself crushing on someone or developing feelings for them, I start to feel afraid and angry. Afraid that they'll hurt me, and angry that by liking them most likely more than than they like me I'm giving them power over me. My main relationship trauma was five years ago...
  3. Strangelongtrip

    Feeling Disconnected from everyone

    I've noticed lately that the love and affection I feel for people, both romantic and platonic, feels like it's behind a glass wall. It doesn't feel real, I feel so disconnected from people. I know it's probably this depression episode, but I can't even feel a crush without pushing it away...
  4. Strangelongtrip

    ED ED overwhelming

    Hey all! I've been having a resurgence of my disordered eating and ED thoughts, I think it's from the stress of moving, plus pandemic plus life. I've binged terribly a few days, restricted others, and my thought patterns entirely depend my happiness on becoming thinner. I also tend to binge when...
  5. Strangelongtrip

    Childlike fear state

    Recently, mainly with this pandemic, but also back before I had a good treatment plan in place, I have these panic spells where I feel like a little child, all afraid. A lot of things with this pandemic have caused this, and I think also still living with my parents (they're fine just certain...
  6. Strangelongtrip

    I wish I could be dead already

    I've been having so many suicidal thoughts lately. Fantasizing about how I'd do it actually keeps me going because if I could just get out if it gets too much, I could just stop dealing with this bullcrap that is life. And I can think about how great it would be if I could just not deal with...
  7. Strangelongtrip

    In Apathy Mode

    I've been struggling, badly, for a few weeks. Depressive spirals (caused by negative self defeating thought patterns), relapsed into self harm, relapsed into my eating disorder both binging and restriction, having panic attacks again, and suicidal thoughts daily (and even looking up methods...
  8. Strangelongtrip

    Terrified to the point of physical illness over COVID test

    Hey everyone, I travelled recently, through COVID-heavy states, and have been quarantining since then. My 14 days are up next Tuesday. I wear a mask around the people I live with and we stay 6 feet apart. I have had no symptoms, I had a bout of dizziness and allergies when I first got back (but...
  9. Strangelongtrip

    Taste of something good, back in the mess

    I am moving out to a state in the west at the end of 2020 or beginning of 2021, and recently visited to make sure I liked it. I fell in love. It's beautiful, the weather is perfect, it's expensive but not more than where I lived for college (and honestly where I live now...is also very...
  10. Strangelongtrip

    Jealousy without feelings

    Hi all! I’ve been posting recently about a crush I had, I hadn’t met them in person yet and I did recently. When I did, it felt like a friendship. I didn’t have those feelings I had from a distance. I think it was probably mostly a “favorite person” BPD thing, which I haven’t done in years. We...
  11. Strangelongtrip

    Feeling Shame When Excited

    I've got a great opportunity to move somewhere with a new friend (who is just awesome, and I have a little crush on), and I'm traveling to see them soon. I am more excited than I've been in years, about anything. But when I get excited, I feel like I also start thinking in the future, about how...
  12. Strangelongtrip

    Can't Learn New Things

    I'm trying to learn some things and get certifications for my resume. Both times I've tried to start these cert classes, I just start sobbing because I feel like I'm so bad at the things I'm trying to learn (when I have no experience/self taught experience in them) I give up and just cry. The...
  13. Strangelongtrip

    never good enough

    No matter what I do or accomplish I'm not good enough. There's always something I can compare myself to to make me feel like I'm not worthy or deserve things. I just looked at a friend's instagram account and saw how much more engagement they had than me despite having less followers (which I...
  14. Strangelongtrip

    Death My therapist passed suddenly

    Hello all. I got some hard news today. My therapist passed away suddenly after some non-covid health problems. I'm torn up. There were things we disagreed on, but we always came back to a conversation. I and he both considered us friends. I had just finished up my sessions with him and we were...
  15. Strangelongtrip

    I'm losing it, anxiety horrible

    The last two nights the anxiety has been bad, but tonight it's horrific. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack any minute. I'm having so much happen, two possible moves, a trip, moving from my childhood home, family issues and I think this is an anniversary date of a rape. I also am back...
  16. Strangelongtrip

    BPD BPD back

    I no longer clinically fit the description for borderline but still have borderline traits. I was doing REALLY well, no symptoms other than a lapse into self harm due to overwhelm a few months ago at the start of the pandemic (really bad, intense emotions and my relationships with people...
  17. Strangelongtrip

    Sexual Assault I still blame myself

    I think today is the anniversary of one particular sexual assault that happened because I was trying to protect the guy that assaulted me because he was inebriated past point of recognition and was about to walk out onto a wet motel hallway while so drunk he couldn't walk. I don't really...
  18. Strangelongtrip

    Sexual Assault Sexual Abuse and Relationship Distance

    When I first started dating again after being in an abusive relationship that included multiple rapes I did it with a sort off blind abandon, whoever I could get to love me etc. I would have sex 3 dates in. This mimicked that 3 dates in I was sexually assaulted in my first relationship, and I...
  19. Strangelongtrip

    Push Pull Relationships/ clingy to aloof

    Something I've noticed a lot with my relationships, especially if I'm interested in someone romantically, is that I will get really anxious and clingy at first, and I used to just continue that way and eventually wear people out. Then, I decided, okay, I'll see when I'm being clingy and needy...
  20. Strangelongtrip

    anxiety paralyzing, can't make decisions

    This month school ended and I've been getting increasingly anxious not having some semblance of structure. I also had to go into a hospital for unrelated medical treatment and I think it's starting to make me paranoid, it was sort of painful and I'm adjusting to new medication (hormones). I...
  21. Strangelongtrip

    Living independently/making ends meet

    Hello all! I'm not sure if this should go here, but it's sort of related to employment and education?? please move if it's not in the right space. So, I am only ONE YEAR!! from graduating college. It's taken me six years, but I'm going to finish. There were times I didn't see the finish line...
  22. Strangelongtrip

    panic into dissociation and back again

    The last three days I've been living entirely in dissociation or absolute sheer panic states. I'm absolutely overwhelmed with everything in my life and I have no more time to just rest and let it pass. I took two entire days off of school when I only have two weeks left, so now I'm going to...
  23. Strangelongtrip

    ED ED and fear of workouts

    When I was 14/almost 15 I seriously injured myself and was told to rest, and not workout for months. I ended up gaining a lot of weight (which is a bane to my family who is OBSESSED with weight), and around the time I turned 16 and my pain was better I decided to lose it all and stay on an...
  24. Strangelongtrip

    Avoidance of new social situations

    I've had this problem before coronavirus isolation, but now I'm realizing it's an actual problem and not something I can excuse away with "oh my back hurts" "oh I don't have time to drive there." There's a few groups and such I'd love to join and have wanted to for a while, writing groups I'm...
  25. Strangelongtrip

    Commitment and Consistency

    Something I really struggle with with both jobs, appearance and almost personality (I was diagnosed with BPD) is commitment and consistency. Some things I can commit to easily, if I'm passionate about them. My small business I worked for 17 years, and I've committed to creative hobbies as as...
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