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  1. I

    Nap

    I’m sick today, so I stayed home from work. I feel kind of dizzy, feel weak, and don’t want to do anything. My eyes feel funny, like I’m really tired. I also feel triggered. I have for 3 days now. I wasn’t able to get into EMDR yesterday because of it. That’s okay, not getting...
  2. I

    More Flashbacks, less time to deal with them.

    I'm sick with a cold today and my wife suggested I take some cold medicine. This is triggering. I have a hard time seeing the difference between helping myself and helping my inner children. If I help my inner children I get beat. (Do they? I don't know). I forget where I am and lock up. My...
  3. I

    Connecting locally

    I go to Alanon to find people who have had to deal with alcoholics. I relate to those people and feel connected, in a limited way. I go to AA because to find other alcoholics. It's one place I belong. The only thing that either of these groups do for my CPTSD is to take away other problems...
  4. I

    Unnatural not to be hyper-vigilant

    All my life I've been hyper-vigilant. Now it's no so bad. In fact sometimes like today I'm not hyper-vigilant at all. I found some solutions at work without getting obsessed with every detail of the problem. It was really a little thing. I fixed some jobs before they became a problem. But...
  5. I

    Skepticism

    I just watched a video on You Tube that described an experience with being sexually abused. Your Healing from Incest - Kati Morton & Paul Gilmartin At the beginning I listened with skepticism because I'm skeptical about what happened to me. Then Paul described his mom giving him a bath. That...
  6. I

    Didn't Remember Her Face

    When I was 13 years old my English teacher read a story about a girl remembering her mother's face. I tried to put myself in the girl's shoes, but couldn't. I couldn't remember my mother's face. I thought hard and could piece together a portrait, but nothing I had any feelings about. It was...
  7. I

    Emdr Hitting Resistance

    Yesterday in EMDR I felt resistance and tried to push on past it. My therapist gave me some extra time because she saw how frustrated I was. What happened in EMDR yesterday was hard. I went though it over and over again with my past therapist. I would push past my resistance and dive right...
  8. I

    Thousand Yard Stare

    I'm not a combat vet but I do know the thousand yard stare. I got it from childhood abuse (domestic combat). I remember staring through a girlfriend in high school, and her being totally weirded out. I'm like that most of the time. It's really bad when I'm triggered and in a flashback. So...
  9. I

    Looking For Courage

    I've been on an upswing over the last 5 months doing EMDR and working overtime. Then this last weekend my 18 year old daughter quit school and moved out, my boss set me up for failure, and I've had to stop binging on ice cream. Like others with cptsd there's a lot of junk deeper inside that...
  10. I

    Intruding On My Own Life

    I feel like I am intruding on my own life. The rational part of me knows this is bunk, but the feeling part of me has all the power. So, I don't clean my room, make my bed, brush my teeth or pay my bills like I should. I feel like taking care of myself is an intrusion, even a betrayal...
  11. I

    Emdr Is Taking My Power.

    I knew this would happen. 3 weeks of EMDR has taken much of my power to protect myself from my flashbacks. I have all these defenses and this EMDR process just blows them like sugar grains on a picnic table. I'm really scared. My therapist knows what she is doing, but I don’t know if she...
  12. I

    Greif and isolation

    My mom past away a month ago. I’m still grieving. She was my primary childhood abuser. However, she did a lot to recover, and made some significant changes that made up for her past craziness. It's been about a month since I've been to an AA meeting. I need those meetings. My drinking was...
  13. I

    Childhood Childhood Domestic Violence

    I’ve begun to look at the physical abuse I endured as a child as domestic violence, the same kind of domestic violence that happens between adult couples. Why should I see it any different? My therapist said it’s different because I was dependent. She said that if I were old enough to leave...
  14. I

    What Really Is A Flashback?

    My new therapist (3 sessions so far) is not trained specifically in trauma, though she has some background in it. She had me read an article on how to use pleasant memories to reduce or even get rid of the distress caused by unpleasant memories. It provides several skills that can help with...
  15. I

    Getting Caught In A Machine.

    I’m doing schoolwork and am feeling some anxiety that is stopping me. I feel like if I go further into the subject I’ll get caught in a machine. I’ve experienced this feeling before. It happens at work and at home. I work in accounting and have to use spreadsheets. There’s one machine. I...
  16. I

    Getting Away From Bad Relationships.

    Recently I went through some triggering arguments with the ex-wife. I felt myself freeze and go numb this whole last week. I hated it because I need to get a job, and I have school work to do. I could do some stuff, sure, but as the week went on I felt more and more locked up. It wasn't until...
  17. I

    Why can't i hang up?

    I hate posting here because I have such a hard time communicating my own feelings. I can respond to other people's posts, but starting one myself is a horrible experience. I don't know why. This last weekend my ex wife asked me if I would get her in touch with my daughter, her step daughter...
  18. I

    New Therapist?

    I've had the same therapist for 5 years, and she has been with me through the hardest parts of my recovery. Now I'm moving out of the area and won't be able to see her. I don't know if I want to go through the effort of trying to hunt for and break in a new therapist. Finding a good one is...
  19. I

    After A Lot Of Therapy.

    I'm a pretty smart guy. I have been really confused the walls I hit. I have always thought I could think my way past the walls. Well, I now see that thinking fast and hard doesn't move mountains. This is what I am coming to understand. My thinking gets ahead of my feelings. When that...
  20. I

    Accept This!

    I've been frustrated with work and my poetry group. The boss is introducing new processes that have everyone spinning, and the poetry presented by others is going violent. I have a lot to say about both these situations, but I don't feel like I'm getting respected for my ideas. When I...
  21. I

    This Is What Dissociation Is Like.

    Note: none of this is an exaggeration. Dissociation comes after getting a whack of emotional abuse so painful that it feels like any interaction with anyone ever again will kill me. Dissociation is like turning to iron so hard that I don't have the option to ever talk to anyone like I talked...
  22. I

    Can't Read All Of The Way Through

    Someone just apologized for posting a long post. I apologize that I couldn't read it all of the way through. It's not because of the contents, or who the person is. I want to read it all. That post was intense, in a good way. I scanned it and wanted to read it, but as I said, I couldn't...
  23. I

    Triggers From Relating To Others

    After a couple of weeks of responding to other people's posts on here I'm reminded why I've avoided this sort of forum for so long. It's triggering. I remember reading about PTSD in the DSM-IV several years ago, and not being able to get past the first few paragraphs. It's triggering. I seem...
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