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  1. Eagle3

    Hospitalization has been recommended

    My T, who I love BECAUSE he's not one to push hospitalization or medication, has decided that in my current condition, a hospital stay wouldn't be a bad idea, just to get me out of the HellHouse of Triggers for a while. I'm not sure what to think. I agree I need some time somewhere else, but I...
  2. Eagle3

    Failure to Thrive kicked into overdrive

    My awesome T has gone into hiding for the duration of Covid-19, since he and his entire family are all high-risk. Honestly can't blame him for that. However, with all my other social coping mechanisms shut down as well, I'm back in forced isolation (trigger), and living in PTSD trigger-hell. I...
  3. Eagle3

    Change...the one constant in the Universe

    My dear, wonderful, awesome therapist, the man who beat cancer and I've been seeing for 6 years now, is leaving private practice and joining a group. I know this move is better for him, and I'm thrilled he's been given this opportunity, but OMG I'm wigging out!! Every time this kind of change...
  4. Eagle3

    She did it again. Why do I still believe her?

    Yes, I know, I'm over 30 and totally responsible for my own care. I'm the only one working a full-time job, but I'm still the person ultimately responsible for feeding myself. So when I got a message from my mother that said dinner was cooked and ready for me when I get home, I was so excited...
  5. Eagle3

    I'm just done

    Finally at that place of just saying "F*ck it" and giving up. I've been toying with the idea for over 20 years, that I'd be better off dead, but these last 6 months have cemented the fact that I'm right. My issues are too pervasive to work a meaningful job, but I can't get help from doctors (bad...
  6. Eagle3

    Trying Klonopin

    So, new doctor decided my BP needed to come down, and instead of trying beta blockers first (which I'm grateful for!), he's trying more anti-anxieties, specifically Clonazepam. The Pros: I'm actually sleeping without vibrating for a good portion of the night. I don't feel like I'm going to...
  7. Eagle3

    Losing my dogs

    I hate this situation. I can't afford to care for my dogs properly. My German Shepherd Dog I gave back to the rescue I got him from today. After having him for 3 years, the house is very quiet and lonely tonight. He was my cuddly-bear, the one who CRAVED physical affection. But he developed some...
  8. Eagle3

    Why is work so hard?

    Thought I'd found the perfect job. Good pay, good benefits, 4 days off a week, full-time. Delivering packages for Amazon through a 3rd party company. 2 days, only 2 DAYS into training, and I had to quit. Climbing in and out of the van over 200 times a day was creating pain that apparently...
  9. Eagle3

    New direction for work

    Since it seems like I can't find and keep any regular work (for lots of reasons), I've decided to go a different direction. I'm taking my Life Coaching work to an official level! I just started my certification courses and will be done sometime next week. My business website and Facebook pages...
  10. Eagle3

    Breaking up is so hard to do

    My awesome T finally got in touch with me. He's having a hard time with his treatment, said almost everything he'd been told is actually the OPPOSITE of what he's experiencing. He said he had NO IDEA when he'd be back, but he'd let me know when he's ready to practice again. Of course, my...
  11. Eagle3

    Lost another job

    I knew I wasn't performing well enough, so I turned in my resignation before they could fire me. I scheduled a chat with my boss to discuss some things related to the disability that was causing the most problems (Autism, surprisingly). Turns out I still have EXTREME anxiety about bosses due to...
  12. Eagle3

    He promised me...

    When my awesome T back home first learned about his cancer, he promised me he'd be back in practice when it was over, and that he'd post regular updates so I'd know he was still alive. Just yesterday he posted an update that his ability to speak has been affected, and he doesn't think this is a...
  13. Eagle3

    Finally wrote "the letter"

    After some really intense and disturbing dreams about my abusive Kenpo instructor and his family, I wrote "the letter" today. It details everything that went on in my head during our training, how his abusive behavior affected me, and why I never spoke up. This letter is a solid 4 pages long. I...
  14. Eagle3

    Feel like i should quit before i get fired...again

    The new job has been such a great experience, until lately. Apparently, my Asperger's and PTSD issues have pissed off a co-worker, who is now giving me tons of attitude and lots of snippy comments. Today I just couldn't say ANYTHING to anyone without it being socially inappropriate somehow...
  15. Eagle3

    Moving soon, have to leave t

    I got the job in a different state! Really exciting to be working a real job in my field, and I'm looking forward to getting the HELL out of this house! The thing is, I have to leave my T, and I'm no where near ready yet! You all know I have a very special T who works on safe-touch experiences...
  16. Eagle3

    First ever out-of-state job interview!

    I just completed a 3-day trip out of state for a job interview. Not only was this my first time flying alone (I HATE flying!), but I had to take care of everything myself from car rental to navigation with no help from anyone. It was exhausting, but I handled myself with aplomb and got...
  17. Eagle3

    To those who are afraid to ask for safe-touch exp. with t

    I have a job interview out-of-state coming up. I am facing every single one of my insecurities by going to this interview. I've been feeling very clingy and young, like I need a parent to hold me, reassure me, tell me everything's ok and they believe in me. Unfortunately, this is very difficult...
  18. Eagle3

    Is This Common Practice?

    I had an appointment with a state-paid Psy. D today. My second session with her. The first one was ok, although I think I inadvertently triggered her asthma (dog hair all over me). I'm not a fan of women therapists, but the state is paying for a fixed number of sessions with her, so I'll try...
  19. Eagle3

    Slowly Losing My Drive To Keep Trying

    I've been out of work now for 4 months. I had to move back into my parents' house (super-trigger!), and have been trying to get help through a state job agency. I lost almost everything in a flood 5 months ago, and I'm right back at square one. My truck has no insurance and I have no gas money...
  20. Eagle3

    Insomnia Yet Again...rant

    So, I haven't really slept much since Tuesday. That's the day I slept all day, having dreams where my unconscious was talking to me (according to T). I think I'm triggered the f*ck out. I'm going on, like, 4 hours of sleep, and am on my second beer, so sorry if I start rambling. I'm residing in...
  21. Eagle3

    Where Did These Come From?

    There will be some explicit details concerning that time of the month in this post. Fair warning, guys! So two weeks ago, T and I got into something that I've never shared even with myself on a deep basis. I felt better after the session, but when I got home realized I had some "not that time...
  22. Eagle3

    Too Much Loss In Too Short A Time

    I know I don't post very often here, but I lurk all the time. I have PTSD and Asperger's, with all the varying joys of accompanying maladies. I've just had the month from hell, and need to vent about it. I mean, suicidal ideation is a constant in my universe, but this month has really brought it...
  23. Eagle3

    Horribly Triggering 24 Hr Period!

    So last night around midnight, I hear someone/thing on my back porch. I live in an apt complex in a less-than-optimal neighborhood, so I keep my back gate padlocked and my patio door (which enters into the bedroom) is kept barred and locked. Unfortunately, these doors are cheap glass, so easy to...
  24. Eagle3

    New ptsd service dog prospect!

    Rescued a pup that has a lot of potential as a PTSD dog. He's 6 weeks old, a lab mix, surprisingly calm and intelligent. I named him Shiner after my favorite beer; not only does he look like a Shiner, ever since I got him I haven't NEEDED a beer. Already have the letter for a Service Dog from my...
  25. Eagle3

    In Small Crisis After Intense Session

    I have no idea where this needs to go, but I need to get it out, so I figured this was the best place. Put it wherever it needs to go. I had a very productive but intense body-work session w/ my therapist Monday. Got lots of channels reopened and physically felt tons better. Dissociated...
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