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    Coming to grips with multiple traumas as a child

    After 6 months of weekly therapy with a really insightful therapist I am trying to come to grips with what I have learned were multiple traumas in my youth. For over 45 years I never told a sole but new inside that I was damaged by abuse of a pedophile from 10-12. I have lived with the self...
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    Trying to come to grips with my parents and my childhood traumas

    Let me start off by saying that I loved both my parents deeply and they loved me as well. This is what is making this process so complicated. With guidance and help from my T I am beginning to understand my childhood was more complicated. My parents had their issues and got divorced when I was...
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    I almost Died Two Nights Ago

    I had the strangest thing happen two nights ago, I woke out of a sound sleep and could not breath, literally no inhale and no exhale other than a minor trickle. This went on for 2-3 minutes, my wife was freaking out and trying to clear my throat but there was no obstruction. Slowly over about...
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    Learning to see my CSA through my 10yo eyes

    I have now had about 20 weekly sessions with my T. Making progress but still stuck a little on a few things, ok more than a few. My T tells me all the time that I am viewing and judging my actions at that age through my current adult eyes as opposed to me 10yo self. I blame myself for never...
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    My wife joined me in a session with my T

    Yesterday I had my wife join in for my session. I have told my wife only the very basic info about my CSA and having her in the session allowed my T to help me fill in the grey spots. I think this was a very good session as she was able to tell my wife more than I can both clinically and...
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    3 Months of Weekly Therapy has dragged me out of the pit

    There is no doubt that therapy has saved me even if it has uncovered additional troubling traumas. I have been lifted out of the depths of debilitating depression and able to function but now I am learning how do deal with additional traumas that I had not considered before. Now my therapy is...
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    Therapy is helping but also opening doors I was not prepared for

    I have now been in weekly Therapy sessions for about 12 weeks. I am lucky in that I found an amazing therapist who specializes in CSA and I can absolutely say she has picked me up off the floor and allowed me to function. I am still dealing with some of the old demons like blaming myself for my...
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    Does anyone else not recognize themselves in photos?

    My T felt it would be good for me to go through photos to see if that helps my memories. I have literally about 10,000 photos from our travels and other events over the last 20 years. I have told my T that I have a hard time looking at them because even though the photos's are of happy times...
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    Can I Ask My T "What is Wrong with Me?

    I have my appt today and I am planning on asking my T, what is wrong with me or better yet what is your diagnosis. First, is this something you can ask a T? I am looking for suggestions or recommendations on how to do or phrase this?
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    What if what I am learning and uncovering in Therapy is very different from what I have thought my whole life?

    So as my T starts to help me build a timeline and relive various memories from my youth covering from abut 10 when I was first abused through my HS years some disturbing things are rising to the surface. Let me first say that I deeply loved bth my parents. They (both passed) were good people...
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    Was I so out of control everyone was scared to deal with it?

    In therapy it has come out multiple times how the fact that I never went to college has damaged me both in reality and in my mind. Let me first say that I come from a family steeped in education. My father graduated from Washington & Lee (he started college at 16) and a Masters from Columbia. My...
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    Does Anyone Else Feel Sick Before and After Therapy?

    Yesterday I had my regular weekly appointment with my T. I found that I was sick to my stomach (IBS Acting up) on Sunday most of the day. My appointment is at 12noon each week and all morning yesterday I was also sick and could not concentrate on work. After my session I felt like I had jsut run...
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    I understand that I have to forgive myself, but how can I for a decision that ruined my life?

    What I have heard over and over again in Therapy is that my not telling anyone that I was groomed and abused between 10-12 by a professional pedophile (family acquaintance) is not my fault. The problem is, I may be able to understand that from an academic perspective the voice in the pit of my...
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    Memories of my two lives, 1 happy and bright, the other sad and dark

    As I work my way through therapy it naturally opens up some memories, many that I have buried long ago. My memories from childhood are really mostly flashbacks as opposed to linear clear memories. The flashbacks themselves are usually accompanied by physical manifestations from a sick feeling in...
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    Monday is my 6th Weekly Appointment with Therapist, Doors Opened & Crashing

    I guess this is how therapy works but I find myself slowly slipping into dark thoughts and can't concentrate. She is a very good T and specializes in childhood trauma but she is opening doors that have been closed for 45 years and I find myself unable to concentrate, which is very unusual for...
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    Childhood Beginning to learn that my assault at 10 was only a small part of my Trauma

    I have spoken here before about how other than my abuse by a family friend that my childhood was pretty normal................turns out not and I suspect I always knew it but disassociated. In sessions with my new T this is becoming more and more apparent. Let me say first, I deeply loved both...
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    Expose My Vulnerability............No Way

    As my brain cycles through feelings and emotions unearthed in Therapy it occurs to me that I am unable to show vulnerability. I suspect I have linked demonstrating vulnerability to my childhood abuse and assault by a pedophile. I am unable to cry or feel strong emotions or should I say unwilling...
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    It is as if I have 2 separate brains, I know it is not my fault...........but

    As I work my way down the road of recovery I am at the point where my T is telling me as well as all here "Your abuse at 10 is not your fault". My logical adult brain understands this but it is as if I have two brains because that second one is 100% sure it is my fault for never saying anything...
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    Is it Normal When in Therapy to Get Worse Before Getting Better

    Yesterday was another day with my T delving into the beginning of my story, my abuse. She recommended that I read or watch some videos from Brene Brown about Shame. I watched one of her Ted talks as well as another persons, both very powerful and hit me hard. My T has zeroed in on a core issue...
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    What Could I Have Been?

    I am in Therapy with a new Therapist for the last 4 weeks, so far so good. I had read an article she wrote in a national magazine about adult survivors and childhood abuse and I had to wait 3 months to get an appt, glad I waited. Therapy I have found often confuses me because it ends up going...
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    Difficult Session with Therapist Today

    Quick background - I am an adult survivor who never said anything for 45 years until 5 years ago I had a total collapse, had Therapy for about 6 months (I would have stayed longer but she retired) finally told someone of my abuse and told my wife. It took a year but I finally returned to a...
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    I learned something in Therapy yesterday about myself - Protecting myself from strong emotions

    As I reviewed my virtual therapy session yesterday I realized that my T said something that I have probably known but have never verbalized or thought about: "I protect myself from feeling strong emotions and have been doing so since I was 10" Disassociation and blocking of emotions was a...
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    Finally Had My First Appointment With New Therapist

    This week has been a good one because I finally had my first appt (virtual) with my new T. I liked her and I am glad I waited the 3 months to get an appt with her. I had sent her a number of my posts from this site ahead of the session and I think that helped her get up to speed a little. I now...
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    Dreaming of what my life could have been if I had not been a victim of sexual abuse at 10

    As I have been writing diaries here lately and with my mind constantly racing unless I deaden the feelings with help, I often wonder what my life would have looked like - What I did - I would have listened in school and been a great student building a foundation of knowledge for the future...
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    If I don't think about it it didn't happen (learning, not so much)

    I learned very early in life, at age 10 to compartmentalize my life. This is how I survived my abuse, unfortunately, that skill learned at an early age that probably kept me alive has also ruined my life. It is not just the abuse that I compartmentalize it is everything in my life. After 50...
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