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  1. open eyes

    Recovery snuck up on me.

    A year and a half ago, I finally found the strength to put an end to a 2-year-long sexually and emotionally abusive relationship. After the initial shock and sorrow of losing the person who had been at the center of my life for so long, I fell into a fragile elation. I felt weightless; I never...
  2. open eyes

    2,000 miles from home and struggling, have no support system here

    I'm across the country from my friends and family this summer for a 3 month internship. 9 days ago I got diagnosed with Conversion Disorder, which, in short, is when severe unresolved trauma leads to sensory/neurological issues. It can manifest in many ways. For me, I have bouts of numbness and...
  3. open eyes

    I'm angry

    I'm just angry and it's eating me alive. My body is falling apart because of it. Last April my ex sexually assaulted me. He choked me hard during sex when I did not consent to it, and I could barely speak or breathe. I him to stop choking me, and he stopped for a minute, but then did it again...
  4. open eyes

    Other Help an autistic gal out with how to spot creeps

    I've got a long history of trauma... multiple sexual assaults, one of which resulted in pregnancy, getting threatened with a knife by a boyfriend, childhood abuse, death of someone very close to me... the list goes on. I'm also on the autism spectrum. I think my social difficulties have gotten...
  5. open eyes

    Sexual Assault Did my ex boyfriend sexually assault me?

    In January, I dumped my boyfriend of 2 years. There were many reasons why, but the main ones were because of his pattern of selfish behavior and compulsive lying. Last year, we were having sex and at the bare minimum, he crossed boundaries. I consented to having sex initially. Previously, I've...
  6. open eyes

    Today Is The 3 Year Anniversary And I Am Not Doing Well

    Three years ago today I was sexually assaulted in a swimming pool & came close to drowning. This week is also the one year anniversary of my psychotic break & my first psychiatric hospitalization. The month of June has always been really tough for me but this year is even more so. I'm so...
  7. open eyes

    Depression Is My Security Blanket/happiness Makes Me Vulnerable

    Everything is going my way, but I'm scared to let myself be happy. My trauma anniversary is June 22nd, & that's always been a HUGE trigger for me. The last time I was "happy" was this time 3 years ago. That's when I let my guard down... All of my hard work is paying off, but I can't let...
  8. open eyes

    Female Perpetrated Sexual Violence

    It's something that I am personally a victim of, & it happens more frequently than people think. I found this great article on the subject. If you're a survivor of woman-on-woman abuse, I strongly recommend checking it out...
  9. open eyes

    Terrifying Episode, Not Sure If Dissociative Or Something Else?

    Trigger warning. It was a really long but good weekend, & a few hours ago I was extremely tired & distraught. I started to have a panic attack- hyperventilating, crying, heart pounding, the usual. But it lasted for so long that I could barely see due to oxygen debt. I was hallucinating...
  10. open eyes

    Is This What Getting Better Feels Like?

    Since I got out of the hospital in January, everyone close to me including my therapist & psychiatrist all think I'm doing much better... Except I don't know if I'm getting better. Sometimes I'm really happy but when I'm not in the moment, I feel like I'm just delaying a relapse. I can't...
  11. open eyes

    How Has Ptsd Affected Your Marriage?

    Although I'm not married nor do I have plans to be any time soon, I was thinking about this earlier. What negative impacts has PTSD made on your past/current marriages? How do you work around it? Any feedback is welcome.
  12. open eyes

    Weather Affects My Mood & Ptsd

    I'm 16 & diagnosed with PTSD & Bipolar I. This past year I've noticed my mood is increasingly linked to the weather. When it's sunny out, I'm in a great mood & I have close to zero symptoms, just some mild anxiety that is manageable. Yesterday the weather was crappy & overcast. I was having...
  13. open eyes

    Intentionally Triggering Myself?

    Every few months, I go through a phase where I bombard myself with triggers. I listen to music that reminds me of the incident, I look at photos from the summer it happened, I look at old Facebook posts, etc. When I was 13, one summer I was sexually assaulted in a pool while swimming with...
  14. open eyes

    I Defend People Who Hurt Me

    Diagnosed with CPTSD due to many sexual abuses, molestations & a sexual assault. I noticed my habit recently: I defend people who treat me wrong. I've been doing it since I was abused for the first time at age 6. -I constantly told myself that it was okay what they had done to me, & when I...
  15. open eyes

    Retraumatized By A Hallucination?

    About a week & a half ago, I had a severe dissociative episode that lead to a panic attack. Feeling completely segregated from my body, I wandered out of my house & around the streets I live on in the middle of the night. I felt no emotion. Suddenly I saw a person in a black hoodie standing...
  16. open eyes

    Terrified Of Going Inpatient (again)

    I've been inpatient at a psychiatric hospital 3 times. Usually my psychiatrist is the one who puts me in there, & I'm seeing her today. Recently I've been struggling with cutting, & severe panic attacks with psychotic features, as well as some new repressed memories. I can't go inpatient...
  17. open eyes

    Panic Attacks During Sleep

    Lately I've been having very few panic attacks during the daytime- which I thought was good. But I guess I'm repressing the anxiety until I'm asleep. These are different from nightmares or night terrors. It's the weirdest feeling- like I'm mentally awake, having a panic attack, but while my...
  18. open eyes

    Sufferer Three Rounds Of Repressed Memories

    Hi everyone. I'm a teenage girl suffering from C-PTSD as well as bipolar I with psychotic features. My struggle started when I was 6 and was repeatedly sexually abused by two of my neighbors, who were a few years older than I. I repressed these memories until January 2013 and throughout my...
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