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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    I think it was unhelpful of me to have brought this up. Now I'm not providing the care she needs, because I am afraid to be alone with her. Looking at root causes, I think my current therapists conviction that my mother's behaviour is the worst of my traumas has over influenced me. It's not...
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    Wim Hof Method

    I've not met this specific method, but I have found that with the standard breathing recommended. It took months of experimentation before I found a slow breathing pattern that works for me without hyperventilating. I had to slow the whole process, and increase the gap after breathing out. It is...
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    General What are they thinking?

    I was trying to explain that it isn't as simple as "just" tell your OH. I was addressing the gap in understanding between supporters and sufferers, saying that what looks like a simple act of considerate communication to a supporter is an insurmountable wall of impossibility to a symptomatic...
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    General What are they thinking?

    There is no JUST tell him. In the thick of it, even with my unfailingly supportive husband, it is impossible to ask for anything or communicate anything. I can talk after the event, but while I'm going through it speaking is dangerous, cruel and worthy of punishment. Survival requires silence...
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    Oh help, today is the day. I have to take plates and stuff over soon. Still throbbing with fear. I'm doing this for my children, and if I do it right they will never know I'm doing it.
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    Better left unsaid?

    Yes, she does have supervision. I've met her supervisor several times, and I'm sure he would pick up on this if she was showing signs of it. Which makes me worry that I should have left it all to him. I have wondered about contacting him, but there are two much bigger and more important things...
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    I'm trying to put myself aside and plough on. Yesterday evening I got as far as finding and starting to book a cheap holiday departing today, but I couldn't do it to my children. They don't deserve the worry of me vanishing at a moment like this. Today is her birthday, so I've delivered a card...
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    Wish I could go back to work.

    Yes, when work has been such a big part of life and then vanishes, it leaves a gaping hole. Too much room for thoughts to get in. Writing and art sound like good ways to express those thoughts. I find it helpful to crystallise the things revolving in my head, and sometimes to see the logical...
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    Better left unsaid?

    It just feels as though I've simultaneously criticised her on a personal and professional level. I seem to be saying all sorts of things that would be better kept inside at the moment. I'm usually quite self controlled, but things are falling out of my brain through my mouth.
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    It isn't important or valuable, but it is immediate because she lives next to me. That means I can only escape by extreme means.
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    Research Experiences of Trauma Survivors (Graduate-level Research)

    The demographic questions are very firmly aimed at Americans. I had to guess which were the correct answers to some.
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    Don’t know what to do about this email I’ve sent

    In my professional life I found saying "Yes, you are right" gave me the power, even though it sounds as though I was giving it away. Perhaps the way ahead is to agree that her concern is justified. You are allowing her to demonstrate her expertise, and benefiting from it. I recognise the forum...
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    I'm still terrified. I had to go to therapy yesterday, and nearly bottled it. I got as far as picking up the phone to cancel. Then I persuaded myself to peer through a crack in the inner door so I could see that the way was clear enough to go to the window and check the garden was empty. Even...
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    Better left unsaid?

    I'm worried about something I said to T, that was critical of her. I've had an emotional and terrifying week, and she was very good about that. I emailed her during the week, which I have never done before, and she replied twice, very supportively. I have .never before understood why anyone...
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    Don’t know what to do about this email I’ve sent

    Of course it felt like the right thing to do in the middle of the night. You are experiencing huge ambivalence about your relationship with your therapist, and at 2am our rationality and determination are at a low ebb. It's why I've set myself a rule not to get out of bed at night. Don't you...
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    Sufferer New and don't know what to do - Combat PTSD - So angry at everything

    I'm glad you found us, and sorry you have PTSD. There is a lot of support and knowledge to be had here. My PTSD comes from different trauma to yours, but I recognise the need to keep it all locked down. However, I know that eventually the effects of things we experienced will break out. When...
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    I feel so fragile. Thanks god I never risked telling as a child or teen. I don't think I'd have coped at all. I suppose it confirms that she is predictable, and as I initially said it was utterly stupid to tell her. I think now the only risk is that she has a huge weapon to use against me if...
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    We had a beautifully peaceful night away on the saltmarsh. When we got back my husband bravely went and asked a direct question, and she seems determined to blank the whole thing out. I'm shivering with relief and suddenly exhausted.
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    I can't get beyond the fact that everyone was happy and the family was stable until I spoke. I had chosen to protect them, and for no reason that was good enough enough I changed that decision. I identified the feeling last night. It is dread. There are still lots of repercussions to come...
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    The fact that I can't think and respond like that is a clear indication of my failure. and the fact that I am writing that indicates my self-indulgence. I have to wait, and try to find a way to minimise the harm I've done. My brother thinks our mother is likely to say something, so he needs to...
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    Dom Violence Raising awareness ... of something that might never actually happen in real life

    I remember in the early 1980s the first time I heard Womens Hour reporting on CSA and its effects. Before that there was no language so it hadn't happened to me - it couldn't have happened. In fact, people have been misusing their power over others in every possible way for all time. I hope you...
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    I'm under a lot of pressure and I'm crumbling

    I'm glad you are still here. Using the planner to record and recognise your achievements is a good idea. Can you expand it to other areas of your life, so you notice the huge amounts you are doing instead of focussing on the little bits you miss. Discounting the positive is such an easy...
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    I don't think it has been suppressed. Her comment "you've never liked me" indicates the visibility. I've complained about her ever since I was allowed to have friends. I've complained about her to therapists, who have introduced me to the idea of narcissism. I've done my best to be calm and...
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    Well I'm panicking about how bad I might have been, given what I grew up with, but my immediate response was "of course not, but they were easy to love, because they were lovely." Every child needs to know they are adored. I think I've been stupid and reckless and put myself in danger. They...
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    Think I've just buggered it up.

    She did confirm one thing I've always thought. I've often said to T's that if I'd been better at being a child they might have been better parents. She said "How could I possibly know.You never gave me anything" I was too self possessed and closed off.
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