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  1. J

    suddenly getting nightmares nightly

    Hey. Ever since this pandemic started and i had to move back into my dad's house (from university) about a month ago, I've been having nightmares every night. Emotionally, I've been feeling pretty okay. I've been getting 8 hrs of sleep a night, if not more, drinking water, exercising, eating...
  2. J

    feeling so isolated with my core beliefs

    thank you, i appreciate you taking the time to reply to this
  3. J

    feeling so isolated with my core beliefs

    i'm in a really bad place right now, still a few weeks away from getting into therapy. until then, i feel like im stuck with what ive been taught. i feel so lost, like id gladly go back to being abused if it meant i didnt have to figure any of this out on my own. there's one thing that has...
  4. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    I'm in another funk. Definitely being triggered more by the things happening around me. Again, I'm doubting that what happened to me was even bad enough to get me to spiral this bad. I've done worse to myself as a "consenting" adult than what was ever done to me as a child, yet I still feel such...
  5. J

    recovering sexually

    thank you, this is good input. currently, i'm seeing a therapist, but he doesn't specialize in trauma therapy, so i'm thinking of finding someone who will better help me with working through my trauma.
  6. J

    recovering sexually

    i recently opened up to my partner about how my trauma is beginning to resurface, and i asked if we could put a pause on any sexual activities because i dont trust my ability to properly consent. my partner was extremely understanding, but there's still that nagging fear that there's only "so...
  7. J

    even consensual sex gives me flashbacks?

    thank you for your reply. i appreciate knowing that other men struggle with similar things... it can be extremely disheartening when even healthy consensual experiences are triggering. and being a guy doesn't make it any easier when you're "supposed" to be sex-crazed according to society. it's...
  8. J

    even consensual sex gives me flashbacks?

    this was a really helpful comment, thank you. The more I think about it, the more sense it's beginning to make as to why I'm experiencing these flashbacks afterwards. I think I have a tendency to rush ahead because having a "normal" relationship is so desirable, but maybe I should slow down for...
  9. J

    even consensual sex gives me flashbacks?

    Hello, just looking for some opinions here, or any empathy if people can relate. I had sex with my partner a while back, and it was completely enjoyable and consensual, negotiated, etc. But now, every time I so much as think about it, I get flashbacks that feel just as distressing as the...
  10. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    I've been experiencing a lot of avoidance lately. Taking naps a lot to avoid real life. Watching porn instead of interacting with my actual partner because real intimacy scares me too much. It's something I'm trying to be open about, but it's difficult. Something triggered me really badly the...
  11. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    Alright so I havent been here in a few months. For a while, I felt that I was doing really good? Over the holiday, I had my first consensual sexual experience. And for a while, I was so proud of myself for "getting over" my fears. But the guy I slept with was much MUCH older than me, and...
  12. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    Thank you for this, I latched onto this part because I've been told over and over again that healing will be harder than what I went through, and in some ways it's harder, but nothing will be worse than all of that, than experiencing what we've experienced and being forced to normalize it.
  13. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    This past week has been hectic... But I’ve been grappling a lot with the fact that I couldnt have consented as a child. Even though I was very insistent and sought out that attention, I’m trying to question it. Like, what wasnt I getting from my parents and friends that made me, at age 9, so...
  14. J

    Other Something Happened Today - Accosted By Homeless Man /vent/

    @blackemerald1 He was definitely in his 50s at least. It makes me incredibly sad that life does this to some people but I try to remember that it doesn't invalidate the fear they may cause in other people through their actions. Thank you so much for your reply, it's hard to frame the event as...
  15. J

    Other Something Happened Today - Accosted By Homeless Man /vent/

    After my therapy appointment, I was at the bus stop in the dark. I'm already paranoid that someone will bother or harass me if I'm by myself, and today that came true and really set me back a bit. I feel bad being so shaken up by this, because it isn't nearly as bad as most things that have...
  16. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    It's definitely something I'm having an Entire Time figuring out and processing. I'm very grateful for this new therapist I have: he definitely sees through me and has guided me through realizations like this that I've never even considered before. It's so sad to me that so many people...
  17. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    Just saw my t and I feel really torn up. We talked a lot about my emotional isolation, and how I feel so responsible for keeping my persona up that I push all my emotion to the side. We also talked a lot about my past experience in being treated like the "stable one" The people I keep in touch...
  18. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    Thank you so much for your message, it really means a lot to get more perspective about what Ive been through @ladee thank you as well, and for sharing that you relate. I feel like I'm slowly feeling less alone with my experience, and it's really making a difference.
  19. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    I have a lot of issues crying in front of people, and today I feel like I had a sudden realization as to why. I was thinking about my parents and how they treated my negative emotions when I was a kid. My t has asked me this multiple times and I got flashes of things Ive been told: this one...
  20. J

    Another shame talk

    Same for me, all the way. I can go to therapy for everything else as much as I'd like, but I feel like dealing with that distortion will be the most useful to my recovery. But it's such a hard thing to let go of. Best of luck with it, & all my support for your journey ahead <3
  21. J

    Another shame talk

    Absolutely, i empathize so much with this. It's so difficult to let go of that feeling of responsibility. Every type of trauma comes with its own special hell, for sure. The shame of feeling like you did this to yourself is so toxic and heavy. Thank you for the reply and sharing that with me
  22. J

    Another shame talk

    Thank you for this reply. I definitely think it's difficult to come to terms with, but it's so interesting to reflect for a moment and think "well, no one who 'had it worse' has ever judged me or told me I was faking it, so why do I still expect this to be the case?" Maybe it's society, maybe...
  23. J

    Another shame talk

    I know shame has been mentioned in probably every possible way on this site, but I wanted to express my own difficulties with it. No matter how hard I scrutinize my experience, I still don't feel like I deserve to call myself an abuse survivor. I was never touched, I was never raped or...
  24. J

    My experience & chronic shame

    Alright. I've decided to start trying to write about what I'm feeling instead of bottling it all up, because I'm in a vicious cycle right now and I feel so discouraged because I was doing much better before (or maybe I wasnt, but the fact that I wasnt seeing a therapist let me ignore all of...
  25. J

    feeling desperate for positive touch

    Thank you, that's a good idea. I think I have some ideas for that to work out.
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