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  1. Ellabella44

    Struggling with this again

    My emotions are such a mess. When I get depressed its way down at the almost lost the will to live level. Then another week or so later I'm angry all the time and go off easily and want to smash everything that is keeping me here, push everyone and everything away. Scream at them why do you...
  2. Ellabella44

    Met someone while going through panic and hypervigilence attack

    A few weeks ago I went to my aa meeting and someone new was there and said hi to me. At the time I was having a trauma anniversary and became very hypervigilant and panicked. To the point of wanting to run screaming out of there because every noise was louder to me and people walking above in...
  3. Ellabella44

    Finally got my hair cut

    Its been over 6 years and I've been working with my daughter off and on for past year or so. My mother used to cut my hair at home and brush my hair when I was little. It was usually a scary experience if I moved. I couldn't even handle my daughter brushing my hair for a while. I was...
  4. Ellabella44

    Went down on welbutrin to add new med

    I've been put on vraylar for my bipolar. My aprn lowered my welbutrin and I don't think it's a good idea now. Since my husband got home I've been thinking about adding some of his beer to my non alcoholic ones. He's done with his now but I kept seeing myself do it. Ill take my meds for the...
  5. Ellabella44

    Bipolar Bipolar new diagnosis as of tuesday

    (Sorry I don't know how to add the prefix box thingy) Once again I'm happy I found this site years ago. From October 21st to Nov 21st I've been in a cycle starting with deep depression that flipped one day into weeks of mania and heightened libido. I'd had this whole scenario in addition to...
  6. Ellabella44

    Trying to give my husband a concrete sense of my mental health.

    He doesn't understand how I suppressed the things I went through. My therapists explanation to me about that is that the brain was trying to protect itself from damage. Was good enough for me but sometimes it seems not enough for him to fully understand where I've been and how I lived. Where...
  7. Ellabella44

    New Journal. Back to basics.

    I just bought this today. To scrawl all of the turbulence in. My previous ones were black with an escaping butterflies silhouette. Filled a lot of pages. To me the diary has to speak to me in some way to be worth filling up.
  8. Ellabella44

    Has anyone with delayed onset had what feels like a repeat of onset?

    I'm not doing well right now. It feels like I'm going through onset of symptoms again. But with out the flashbacks and anxiety. My mood swings up and down because I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now. Drinking (just non alcoholic beer) lack of appetite. Deep depression goes from don't...
  9. Ellabella44

    Nice to see you again

    Though maybe people might not remember me from a few years ago its good to see some familiar names from back then. You guys are still dealing and supporting and continuing on. Just knowing that gives me some hope for my future. Hugs all.
  10. Ellabella44

    Bad reaction to hearing long version of my first name.

    Not sure where this belongs in forum. I have been experiencing a physical reaction to someone calling me by the long form of my name. I feel like I am being repeatedly slapped HARD across the face when I hear it. I have never liked to be called it and this has gone from just a "please don't...
  11. Ellabella44

    Alternate ways to say you are seeing your therapist

    Just got home from my therapist. Or as I call it : Swearing and Crying. So anyone have alternate descriptions for it?
  12. Ellabella44

    My parents got to me again

    I've been no contact with them for 5 years. I've been doing ok most of the time but if I see a picture of them on facebook I spiral down. I loose my shit entirely. Last year it was my brothers wedding and I didn't feel as bad as I am this time. I tried holding together but the strain of that...
  13. Ellabella44

    Two Years Sober

    To wake up another year later on this day is an accomplishment. My family went away with my mom in law and husbands family. Before they left they said not to do anything stupid. I dont think they remember that this was the day I quit drinking, and the day they could have found me out in the...
  14. Ellabella44

    Sometimes No Contact Is Kindness

    I am pretty much wanting to stay no contact with my mother and step father. Its not out of spite, anger, revenge etc. Its partly fear since they both beat me as a kid and some other things. And partly that my mother will and always has wanted me to fill the hole in her of the kind of mother...
  15. Ellabella44

    Lost My Advanced Practice R.n. Today.

    What a mess today was. I woke up in pain from my elbows to my fingers. It was at the point where you feel like puking and crying at the same time. my husband said I could use our atm card to get copay from the bank, but it wasnt in its usual space and I ended up calling him. this whole...
  16. Ellabella44

    Fibro Just joined the fibromyalgia club today

    have been hurting from the elbow to my wrist since december and after trying ibuprophin , ruling out tendonitis and possibility of tennis elbow. I got diagnosed with the start of fibro today. Im ok about it, had discussed it as a possibility with my T since my nerves were very active...
  17. Ellabella44

    Holding Your Tongue.

    Yesterday we went to the post office to get my kids and husband passports for a trip. a few other people were there and we and another person for passports were told to wait in a corner of the office "so we dont tie up any more of our clerks than necessary" I very nearly asked why its only ok...
  18. Ellabella44

    Has Anyone Told Possible Employers They Have Ptsd?

    I am currently trying to find a job. I have done well with the cat shelter I have volunteered at for over a year now and I feel the right work environment (such as the environment at the shelter) could help me feel functional and I could thrive there. I tried a local florist recently and the...
  19. Ellabella44

    The Mother Of All Nightmares

    Quick background My mother and step father used wooden yardsticks for dicipline. I had a really scary nightmare. I was doing flowers at a church and my mother and step father showed up. She wanted to hug me and I ran from her. She chased me, I would find a room to hide in where other people...
  20. Ellabella44

    Saw My Step Father Yesterday

    Quick background : he and my mother used wooden yard sticks on me as discipline for everything, even mouthing off until he hit me on my hands while I was protecting my butt, that I had bruises and the school saw andcalled child services. There is a yardstick in the cat shelter where I...
  21. Ellabella44

    Getting More Comfortable In Showers And Starting To Look For A Job.

    I'm lately being able to ground during a shower and not see the showers from my past and events tied to them over the top so much. I can now stay in till my fingers wrinkle! using that time to think of a problem I need to solve pushes those things away along with the months ive spent trying to...
  22. Ellabella44

    Inspire Yourself

    ( not meant to be self promotion ) I have had an idea to remind myself of better days when im not feeling happy, together, functional, creative, useful, wise or brilliant in any way. im thinking of making a t shirt with something ive written or created on a good, creative, and better mood day...
  23. Ellabella44

    Meditation: An Example Of Zen Noobery

    Part of the self compassion group doing the meditations and today's didn't go quite to plan. Feel free to share your own meditation bloopers ... How to not meditate with self compassion body scan.... 1. Put ear buds in and prepare to relax. 2. Lay down in corpse pose, realize that now you...
  24. Ellabella44

    Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Sleep...

    Last night I had several nightmares. One of which I woke up screaming ( well in my dream I was anyways). I have been doing you tube meditations for depression lately and it was good to hear it playing still when I woke up from the worst one. I fell asleep again soon after hearing it. I've...
  25. Ellabella44

    Job Interview Thursday!

    A local pet sitting company is branching out into my area and I go thursday for my interview. Hoping this works out for me. I'll possibly be like a sub contractor for when they have clients near me from the sound of things.
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