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  1. pamcoco

    Pick it all up, pack it, move. Repeat.

    It’s groundhog day and I’m wondering if others experienced something similar? My life within ptsd took on a temporariness seemingly beyond my control. At first I resisted pulling up roots in spite of significant financial and relational problems. But, eventually it felt good to let go and...
  2. pamcoco

    Holding this off has kept me self destructive...

    It seems to never stop…. Somewhat settled in a new home, or so I thought, the crumble of my life has not quite completed. I must stand back in faith, honoring a process that remains beyond my comprehension. I couldn’t put words to my experiences, unable to define a perpetual barrage of attacks...
  3. pamcoco

    Anniversary of my suicide attempt creeping closer...

    I am anxious, maybe even fearful. November 21, well really November 22 very early morning, will be one year since my only suicide attempt. The date drawing closer, especially in my current circumstances, is gnawing at me. I have made plans to be around kind people in an environment totally...
  4. pamcoco

    It was the night before Thanksgiving....

    I took 85 xanax. It wasn't that special of a night, I was alone as usual, abandoned by friends and family as I have been for more than a decade. My moody boyfriend had the flu and yelled at me for being "too needy". the note I left: Sorry mom, I cannot bear to be sick one more day. But I am...
  5. pamcoco

    I'm poisoning my mom...

    My family is stranger than most, but man o man, have they reached a new low. My 81yr old mother has been visiting for the holidays and became ill a few days ago. She insisted she didn't need to go to the hospital, but after a partial recovery day before yesterday followed by a return of all...
  6. pamcoco

    How do i stop being bullied?

    I have ADD. I also have drug induced mania from the anti-depressants I have taken since the assaults. In many ways I don’t care for the medication that causes this side effect but the other meds are not a possibility for one reason or another and I accepted early on in my cptsd that I would not...
  7. pamcoco

    Loan shark

    I pay them for the burden of me and they think the fee is well deserved. Somehow I have created a dynamic where I am considered such a hard job that my debt in un-payable. They are always doing me “grand" favors and no matter how I try to even the score it is never equal. For instance, I...
  8. pamcoco

    What did i do to deserve this?

    Forever it seems I have been saying that I can’t do this anymore. "This" is the struggle, the conflict, the upheaval. It is more physical than emotional these days, I am numb in my soul as my health continues to dive. The numbness serves me, keeping me a safe distance from what feels unbearable...
  9. pamcoco

    Tick-tock. losing time & past more important than present. months go by like days.

    Lately I feel hopeless. All the hard work, facing so much ugliness and evil, the inflow of memories seem endless. I am losing time like crazy and it is this single aspect of my ptsd that frightens me most. Besides for the completely blank periods I have this constant disassociation from where I...
  10. pamcoco

    Success Feels Like 2 Steps Forward, 3 Back.

    Two steps forward, three back. I took the plunge 9 months ago and finally reported the GYN that assaulted me to the Calif. Medical Board. I felt my guts were ripped out as I completed the paperwork with my rape crisis counselor. Now I am in the final weeks of the excruciatingly long process...
  11. pamcoco

    Assault I'm A Butterfly

    The 21st was my anniversary. Ten years ago there was an amazing party in Hawaii with close friends and family, the funnest 4 days ever. Unfortunately there was a groom. The end of the 4days in Maui marked the beginning of the worst decade in my life. Perhaps darkness was set in motion by that...
  12. pamcoco

    I Would Rather Not Hear You...

    I was feeling some hope. With a counselor from rape crisis we went to 3 dentist appointments, something I didn't think was possible since the assault by my gyn. I was newly energized about my business, hopeful about ptsd progress and getting things done. Then something got much worse...
  13. pamcoco

    Why Am I Honest?

    I am persecuted for my honesty by the few that remain. I hope to someday be as pure and addiction free as my friends and family. It is my imperfections and addictions that have created my circumstance unlike others, who's circumstances have created their imperfections and addictions. If I...
  14. pamcoco

    Hi Mom....

    Hi Mom. Thanks for the cute card! It made me smile. I hope you have received yours? It would be lovely to have you visit in August. I miss you very much. I am currently homeless and on borrowed time at the condo, so my future housing is extremely unsure. Hopefully all will go smoothly, even...
  15. pamcoco

    Smooth Sailing.

    Today is one of those days I don't think I am going to make it. I tinker constantly on something too dark to mention. I am sick, alone, and facing demons that are bigger than me in all ways. It is odd and perhaps seems absurd in this context, but I have always thought myself strong, tough, a...
  16. pamcoco

    Windstorm......

    My life feels completely futile. No matter what direction I turn, how many hours I work, how much I free things I once treasured, the wind is in my face. On a great day the wind only chaps my lips and dries my throat. On a bad day the wind is a force that blows me backwards and gusts overturn...
  17. pamcoco

    I Cannot Take Anymore!!!!

    I had an epiphany of sorts. For 5 years I have been spinning. I spend my days extremely busy and active, alone. But I seem to not only remain static, it seems my life has continued to crumble. Having never worked so hard in my life, I am frequently perplexed by the constant drop, like the bottom...
  18. pamcoco

    Baby Nurses Infant Mother........

    I posted a thread in December about my mother wanting me to die and the attempts by her and her husband to force me to sign over most of my net wort. I am penniless these days alive, but dead am worth about a mil. I haven't spoken to them since and they left on a vacation to Asia for 3 months...
  19. pamcoco

    I Killed My Cat......

    I can't escape the chaos. It is the only constant remaining in my life. The unthinkable, the plague of pain and problems. Forced to rent out my home due to the constant barrage, the plumbers that show up refuse to leave after raising the price $600, escalating to threatening me with " I know...
  20. pamcoco

    My Mom Wants Me To Die.

    My mom is away on a trip in Asia for 3 months but she returns in a few weeks. I have battled suicidal ideation since the assaults in 2009. I've had suicidal thoughts my whole life but only a plan since the crimes. I am at the zero to 100 point with suicide, meaning that I either do not feel...
  21. pamcoco

    At Home Therapy Through The Gift Of Fear

    I thought it might be worth mentioning the dramatic help I have received through the book and audio cd "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. I have listened to it over 200 times since 2009 and I still listen to it several times a week. He is an amazing theorist, summarizing our intuition into...
  22. pamcoco

    Loss Of Time

    I went to the doctor a year ago and was baffled filling out the forms. Today's Date? Age? Date since last exam? I had no idea. I used math skills to piece the information together but left stunned by how much time had passed since the crimes. Complete gaps in my memory and it simply didn't seem...
  23. pamcoco

    Undiagnosed My Note From The Bottom.....

    It's been a while. Depression and despair no words could possibly describe. I left this planet 4 years ago and the most surprising thing of all, is that I am still here. There obviously is some aspect that has a will to live beyond my awareness. Positive it is time to end this misery, the only...
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