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  1. arfie

    Does anyone else become more suicidal when they’re dissociated?

    i'm too apathetic to consciously commit acts of violence when i dissociate, but i neglect self-care to lethal degrees. starvation would be an easy suicide for me, at any time.
  2. arfie

    Treatment of traumatic memories in c-ptsd

    in my own therapy sessions, i don't group my memories as much as i follow the threads upon which they appear. shaming is a good example. when i discover myself ashamed to stand and be counted in a veteran's day salute (happens just about every time military veterans are called to stand and be...
  3. arfie

    Sufferer Trusting sexual abuse memories and uncovering more

    i started work on recovering my repressed memories in the 80's and i trust them as the most accurate info available, but not as gospel. a healthy, undamaged organic memory is not the most reliable recording device ever designed. the years of psychic injury and repression have damaged my memory...
  4. arfie

    Sufferer Hi! I am New Here.. CPTSD. Scared but Hopeful!

    hello chelle. welcome to the forum. congratulations on your sobriety. kudos on your wisdom in looking for ways to heal the injuries which had you self-medicating in the first place. robust applause for your compassion in seeking ways to help your middle child overcome her place in the family...
  5. arfie

    Arousal caused by horrible dreams

    profound apology, barefoot. no misdirect intended. i join you in wishing for a delete option on this site. just wishing. . . gentle support while you find the answers you are looking for.
  6. arfie

    Memory issues.

    gentle empathy on that score. i started psychotherapy with full trauma induced amnesia. it took me more than a decade to figure out why everybody kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i had blocked memory of my entire childhood, but i had plenty of evidence to believe it was worth...
  7. arfie

    Arousal caused by horrible dreams

    i don't understand the process by which the abused become abusers, but the cycle is hard to deny. however innocent i was as a child, i believe my place in the cycle is distinctly possible, even probable. when i view the abuser in my nightmares as an aspect of myself, i wonder if this is the me i...
  8. arfie

    Memory issues.

    over the course of my psychotherapy, my own memory has improved across the board as a result of allowing myself to remember and process the trauma. removing the memory blocks improved the flow, considerably.
  9. arfie

    Memory issues.

    as it was explained to me, you don't get to repress part of your memory function without messing with those memory functions across the board. the harder you work, whether consciously or unconsciously, to repress the traumatic memory(ies), the more your full memory function will be impaired...
  10. arfie

    News Worldwide impact of the novel coronavirus (covid-19)

    i used to live near a state school for the deaf. oh, how i miss that sense of empathetic community. . . out here in callous normieville, other people being able to read MY lips is of little value, especially since the advent of the covidic focus. if it ain't covid, it don't count.
  11. arfie

    News Worldwide impact of the novel coronavirus (covid-19)

    i also find that closing my eyes helps me focus my hearing more solidly. there are no visual cues in masked dialog, anyway, so my vision is rendered useless. back in the bad old days of indecently exposed smiles, therapy in overcoming handicaps carried allot of tools for "not wearing your...
  12. arfie

    News Worldwide impact of the novel coronavirus (covid-19)

    i am hearing impaired and rely heavily on lip reading to communicate. is there a polite and politically correct way to let people know i can't "hear" through a mask? at present, i am simply increasing social distance. i think i will need a space ship to social distance any further.
  13. arfie

    Normal aspect of dissociation or something else?

    my initial brain fart is that the voice is your "inner critic." just brain farting. . . in my own case, i often think my brain is just a recording device with lots of moldy oldies to play at random moments.
  14. arfie

    Struggling with processing trauma, improvement comes and goes. Can anyone relate?

    hello matts. welcome to the forum. old habits die hard, especially the old habits that we pick up without knowing it. one quality i find in those setbacks is that i never snap ALL the way back to my old habits. i get more skilled with the tools that help me progress a little further in each...
  15. arfie

    Increase in dissociative episodes between EMDR sessions

    the further i get down my recovery road, the more i believe i could not have survived my childhood without the insulation of denial. these days a minor setback can serve as a reminder of just how much pain, both physical and mental, that i had to normalize just to survive. just letting myself...
  16. arfie

    Compliment-based-therapy doesn't work for me... now what?

    i've never heard of compliment-based therapy, but i was highly resistant to "positive affirmations" and being gentle with myself during my early therapy. i figured i needed a bigger pair of boots to kick my twisted ass harder than i was able to kick my own ass. somewhere along the way i...
  17. arfie

    Increase in dissociative episodes between EMDR sessions

    EMDR was not an established therapy when i went through this phase of my recovery, but an increase in dissociative episodes and most of my other symptoms was part of that early therapy. there was/is considerable debate whether my personal awareness was growing or the symptoms were actually...
  18. arfie

    Had flashback in public

    it's normal for me. i've been told by people who know me well that there are not many outward signs that it is happening. that makes it all the more embarrassing when i find myself arguing with the flashback instead of continuing the civil conversation in the present. oopsie. . . those pesky...
  19. arfie

    Sufferer New here- C-PTSD

    i'll laugh with you, if you like, but i believe denial is an honest part of the recovery process. i don't believe i could have survived my childhood without the insulating benefits of denial. i'll laugh with you if you like, but i am more inclined to be inspired by your courage in taking that...
  20. arfie

    When the stalker says "God told me to do it to help you"

    leaving others to interpret their own conversations with god, i find myself wondering what's inside the trigger phrase, "i will help you." just wondering. . . it was one of my meanest triggers during my pre-therapy years. many of my abusers were "experts" in what would best help me. to this...
  21. arfie

    Dissociation and Tactile Flashbacks at work

    what works for other people --or even what worked/didn't work for me in my last go-round-- only confuses me further when i am in the grips of dissociation. i get further by allowing myself to get creative and trust my instincts makes far better use of what little self-awareness i have inside the...
  22. arfie

    Sufferer Emptiness and shame.

    hello sped. welcome to myptsd. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here. it's not the horse's fault when it throws a rider, but the injuries remain very real and in urgent need of healing. however long you have minimized and neglected that need for healing, healing can still happen...
  23. arfie

    Is it normal to ...? Remember deeds and forget details, like faces?

    it's normal for me. my body remembers the trauma far more clearly than my visual centers remember the perpetrators, especially when the perps were betrayers of trust.
  24. arfie

    Keeping up or no with psych

    gentle empathy, yule. to me, finding a comfortable therapy relationship feels like an iffier roller coaster ride than the hunt for the perfect romantic partner. it is hard not to feel desperate sometimes. if only "getting help" was as simple as pulling a box off the shelf. just wishing. . ...
  25. arfie

    Arousal caused by horrible dreams

    i haven't considered it in this context before, but i believe i have come out the other side of this phenom. for me those abhorrent acts were psychotheraputed as, "hyper-sexuality" and "rage." i believe i am on the other side of the phenom because it has been a decade or three since the...