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  1. Renly

    A Turn Away From Dissociation: The Association Thread

  2. Renly

    Sitting in the car

    I often find myself in this very same position. Take your time, be kind to yourself. You are not alone.
  3. Renly

    Increase in dissociative episodes between EMDR sessions

    I definitely am at the beginning stages here, but I gotta start somewhere!! I am beginning to realize the same thing. My brain blocked or "fogged" out many things - and I am beginning to appreciate all my brain did to preserve me instead of being so angry/frustrated. I agree that it is quite...
  4. Renly

    Increase in dissociative episodes between EMDR sessions

    I’ve 100% seen an increase in all of my symptoms since beginning therapy, so that is helpful info here!! The “it gets worse before it gets better” is definitely my experience. I am also wondering this point…especially with my emotional numbness. I often cannot tell if I’m feeling “okay” or if...
  5. Renly

    Increase in dissociative episodes between EMDR sessions

    Mostly, I experience emotional numbness - I am still a bit unclear on whether this is a form of dissociation - but this weekend I had 2 dissociative episodes (derealization) lasting about an hour each. Both episodes started after I was having a minor panic attack (both panic attacks I could not...
  6. Renly

    What Is Your Subjective Units Of Distress (suds) Rating Right Now?

    Up and down all day for many days now…between 2 and 8…riding the waves. Right now (thankfully) im at a 2.
  7. Renly

    Sufferer Emptiness and shame.

    I spent over a decade working with children and adults with autism and other developmental disorders/behavioral issues. Most events causing my PTSD began prior to my work, but I can empathize with how you are feeling. I’m a very petite person and many times my clients were much bigger than me...
  8. Renly

    A Turn Away From Dissociation: The Association Thread

  9. Renly

    Talking about suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

    I agree with this 100%. I definitely know my making a small error on a form or a minor complaint from someone regarding a work matter is no reason for SI to show up with such ferocity… Those reasons are silly. But in the moment, because I cannot really sense the real, past, WHY…I get so...
  10. Renly

    Talking about suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

    This is something I also wondered about. Some people I’ve talked to can’t even begin to fathom what it’s like feeling like they would be better off dead…and can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that feeling comes to visit me often. I had a suspected brain tumor for a while in my mid...
  11. Renly

    Sufferer I awoke and realized that l have ptsd

    Hi there! I’m so sorry for your pain. My PTSD’s full expression had a delayed onset as well so I can sympathize. Do you have any support in place (ie: therapist?). My therapist has been my lifeline. This forum has been immensely helpful for me in finding people with similar experiences (who GET...
  12. Renly

    There has to be a name for this...

    Are you always able to figure out the past memory attached? 9 times out of 10 I cannot…so it’s super frustrating. All I have is the everyday stress that triggered me ☹️ It makes me feel confused and hopeless. When I CAN attach a past memory it makes me feel way better because then I feel less...
  13. Renly

    Talking about suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

    I hope I can! But, you are right, I can't strongarm it away....I definitely have tried and it for sure has not worked. I am going to try to give it some creative attention like you suggested and see where that goes. As for the funeral...I've got the matches ready 😂 😂
  14. Renly

    Talking about suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

    I guess my issue here was I already know this person cares for me. I was looking for support and instead I felt I had to support them due to their emotional reaction. I am working on some negative cognitions “I am not allowed to feel” and “I am responsible” so I think they flared up in this...
  15. Renly

    Talking about suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

    This is what I've been talking to my T about. This is hard for me, although I am trying to befriend my SI. Right now, I am angry an frustrated at my SI - it is something relatively new I am struggling with (instead of just repressing or numbing) and it is triggered by (IMO) the dumbest things -...
  16. Renly

    Anyone else shut down and feel low energy every once in a while?

    Ditto!!! I’ve always loved people, but with PTSD in full swing it’s a lot harder, I get tired more easily, and even when I really really want human contact, I second guess it because it’s exhausting (even just thinking about it sometimes).
  17. Renly

    Talking about suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

    This is where I’m at. It seems like those I’ve reached out to haven’t been there so they don’t understand the SI at all or just aren’t able to relate and provide the support I need. Thank you for offering your support!!! I appreciate it very much. Sometimes I really just need a listening ear, if...
  18. Renly

    Talking about suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

    I’m finding as I go through my therapy that I want to talk more about my suicidal ideation with others - usually just to vent or be more authentic with how I’m really feeling at any particular moment in time. The problem is I’m finding it hard to talk about it with pretty much anyone other than...
  19. Renly

    Why do I actively seek things out that are triggering??

    Wow reading this thread has been very validating. I’ve been doing things like this as long as I can remember.
  20. Renly

    How to Develop a Feeling of Safety?

    I’ve felt very unsafe in spurts (and for quite irrational or unknown reasons) throughout my life, but especially the last few months now that I’m addressing my trauma…so my heart goes out to you for this more persistent struggle. It’s an awful feeling. I think MnM’s suggestions are great! The...
  21. Renly

    What Did You Eat And Drink Last?

    Baked chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, glass of vino.
  22. Renly

    I Challenge You to a Duel... hahaha

    For 2022: 1- being kind to myself (even when I’m feeling/acting crazy) and paying attention to what my body is saying (instead of stuffing and shutting things off) - these are completely new and foreign concepts I believe will help me most to heal. 2- learning to set new & healthy boundaries...
  23. Renly

    Sufferer I can’t feel my feet

    Thanks for your comments, everyone. I’ve since done some research and found (if I’m remembering properly) that when the body goes into fight/flight response - but then faint, all the blood leaves the extremities and moves towards the organs as an attempt to keep you alive. This explains the numb...
  24. Renly

    Sufferer Working through cptsd for years has been hard work. Hoping to feel less alone.

    Hi Liz. Sounds like we have a lot in common!! I’ve been here on the forum for a few months and it’s been super helpful for me finding a community of people who can relate. Sorry for the reasons you are here, but glad you found us!
  25. Renly

    Good Riddance Day

    Love this!! Going waaaay out of my way to support a relationship (as requested by CPS/the courts) between a minor relative and absent bio-parent (who I 100% gave the benefit of the doubt and worked very hard to support through this process)…for the bio-parent to be a complete jerk and peace...