Sufferer 100% sure i belong. childhood trauma, father with ptsd.

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Hi! I was diagnosed with complex PTSD earlier this year. I always knew I was a bit different but held it together for the most part until my Dad died in December. He was a Vietnam veteran and suffered from PTSD as well as parkinsons disease from agent orange exposure. His death broke me. I stopped sleeping and eating, I lost 20 pounds in a month and constantly felt like I was going crazy. I finally got help after I started to think everyone might be better off if I were not in the world anymore.

My illness stems from instability in my childhood and the murder of my uncle. I did not witness the murder thankfully but a nine year old is completely incapable of processing losing a loved one like that. My family lost 8 relatives in the 5 years surrounding my uncle's murder so that is a factor as well.

My father of course had emotional issues and was prone to rage. My mother was not equipped to handle his illness (no one else was either as ptsd was still considered shell shock or combat fatigue at the time) so they had a rather rocky marriage.

I have many of the classic symptoms. Exaggerated startle response, inability to let more than a few people get close to me and being triggered by things that seem common place and meaningless to others. The worst for me is the anxiety. My brain is constantly on alert and I can only relax when everything is just right. I lay awake most nights being afraid of every sound I hear. I think my mind manufactures sounds sometimes to explain the fear.

Anyway sorry to dump so much out at once. I have started a blog site and really find talking about it in a way that I control to be very cathartic. I won't post the link here as I don't want people to think I am here just for that.
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Thanks Eve. I would definitely prefer not to belong but accepting that I do in fact belong is a step toward healing for me I think.
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