12birds Journal

12birds

Confident
Finding it difficult to do more than lay in bed. Sleep has been challenging for months. Yesterday morning I woke up and either was already having a panic attack or immediately started. Last night was the first night in months I slept all the way through. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep
 

12birds

Confident
Did 90% of the things I needed to do and I still feel like I did something wrong.

Woke myself up crying from a dream last night. It's almost 1am and I'm scared to sleep.
 

12birds

Confident
I don't how how I'm supposed to do all the things I should be doing if I am giving all I have to surviving this
 

12birds

Confident
Relapsed on self harm last week and struggling with it again tonight. I am full of so many emotions it feels like my body will burst.
 

12birds

Confident
Well, I turned 23 today.

I don't know what I thought my 20s would be like, but I try to make the best of it despite the challenges. I am the same age my mother was when she had me, which is weird to think about. I graduate college in just a few weeks, I'm engaged, and I have my own little family that's just two people and a dog. I feel good today and hopeful for the rest of my life. I've even started the graduation job hunt. I can't remember the last time I felt this good about a birthday.
 

12birds

Confident
Increasingly frustrated with the push back I get when I try to assert my boundaries, especially as I become more comfortable standing up for myself. Today it was over physical affection. I refused to kiss my dad on the cheek, then received a lecture on how "even as an adult" he would kiss his grandfather goodbye. He doesn't understand/try to understand that we are not the same person. I am selectively affectionate, I don't want to kiss him, and half the time I don't even like being hugged. He thinks it's funny to force me into physical affection, like when I hugged him goodbye he kissed ME on the cheek and said "I will kiss my child if I want to and you can't stop me". I f*cking wish I could. When I tried to push him off me he just held on tighter. It's not funny at all. Just because I am your child does not mean you have more access to me than a stranger on the street. He is literally the only person that has a problem with my physical boundaries. It makes me want to bang my head on the table.
 

12birds

Confident
Today was a good day:

- I picked up my cap and gown! I graduate in 3 weeks! The best part is the tassel and I'm super excited to decorate my cap. I honestly thought I would kill myself before graduating, so this is huge.

- I went to therapy and she helped me find a few doctors closer to home, so I will be making calls in the next few days.

- Finished one big project and worked a little bit more on my thesis paper. I feel confident about my presentation tomorrow.

- I did several things that made me anxious and uncomfortable (ex: going to purchase my cap and gown at a campus event), but I pushed through those feelings.

- Made some art for my printmaking class that I'm extremely proud of

- I've been sober for a week and a half. Even though I'm having cravings I'm doing really well, and I've noticed a huge improvement in my overall mental health.
 

12birds

Confident
10 days ago I noticed an absence of suicidal thoughts. I'm guessing it's been about 2 weeks since I've had them even in passing. I don't know what caused the shift, but my head feels so light and clear.

I'm still dealing with the other stuff and my insomnia has been especially bad. I'm also acutely aware they can come back at any time, but I feel so FREE right now.
 

12birds

Confident
Things have been weird. I am angrier lately. I work very hard to be gentle and this version of me comes without warning. I cry often. I've been thinking about the event more than usual. Nightmares, insomnia, and the other typical things. But I can't shake the anger and I can't stand it. I don't know how to deal with it.

Still no suicidal thoughts - it's been at least a month and a half. Even when I am having an episode or a meltdown they don't come. I'm not sure I will ever be used to it. That's not to say I wish they'd return, it's just strange to be without something after 12ish years.
 
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