12birds Journal

[12birds]

I do not like being present. At least not right now. I want to slip into my disconnected world where I feel very little and nothing matters. But I am firmly locked in place at the helm of my shitty, damaged brain.

Some of the things I've read about trauma recovery included "stages". I don't know which stage this is supposed to be, but I hate it. Like a slow burn or a build up to something with no meaningful conclusion. I look in the mirror and see a silly little girl trying very hard to keep it together and doing a poor job.

 

[12birds]

Job hunting is hard. Feeling discouraged, doubting myself. Wondering if I'm even capable of handling pressure and learning new skills. I struggled at my last job and I don't know if that was poor management and a lack of training or if I am just stupid? Not in the woe is me way. But I genuinely wonder if I just can't understand or process things.

 

[12birds]

It's awfully easy to trip back into the hole and just keep tumbling through it.

I'm in a dark place, but the specifics are new to me. Things don't feel the same. I'd be willing to guess that I am not the same. Each time I come back I have shed skin and discovered more to hate about the world and myself.

 

[12birds]

Not about personal trauma per se, but a family trauma: Just found out my dad has a half sister around my age. We all suspected he had other siblings, but today is the first time we have proof.

Her mother posted on my grandfather's obituary about her, so I reached out. But I'm apprehensive about answering questions about our family dynamic. I was the only one of his kids or grandkids to go to the funeral - everyone thinks he was a POS or they were kept secret (the case of this half sister). I didn't even meet that side of my family until the funeral because my dad refused to subject us to his father.

I feel strange. But I want to get to know her and maybe fill a void for both of us.

 

[12birds]

Feeling agitated. Journaled then read for a while and it made me sleepy, but now I can't get my brain or the rest of my insides to calm down. Too many thoughts at once and they're so loud. Fiance won't come to bed, because he passed out on the couch and is hard to wake. Not that I can stand being held right now, but at least having him near would help.

What do you do when you've used your skills? I must be forgetting something. I feel like I could come out of my skin.

 

[12birds]

Had an interview today and it went well. I've come a long way from scheduling interviews and not going, but leaving the house for an hour so my family didn't realize I skipped out. I went and did my best.

 

[12birds]

Fair warning for content about sex.



He pouts and mopes if we go longer than a few days, even when he knows I'm struggling. I told him I've been having nightmares, which greatly impacts my already low drive, and he said he'd stop asking all the time. But the first thing he asked me when we woke up the very next day was if I would give him head.

Today I initiated to make him stop pouting - he was literally sitting in bed staring at the wall because I'd turned him down earlier in the day. And it was like my body turned numb and now I feel numb too. I know I shouldn't have, but I don't know what else to do anymore. I can't escape it in my dreams and now I can't escape it 5 years on. No amount of telling him no or explaining that I'm having a PTSD issue makes him stop asking or moping. It's relentless. I keep track of how many times we have sex in the week so I know how long I can put it off. I don't know what to do

 

[12birds]

I am waiting for my brownies to come out of the oven and waiting for the worst. I live in an area hit hard by COVID-19 and the stress is beginning to take a toll on my mental health. Stress is the most harmful of my PTSD triggers. Shit sucks right now.

 

[12birds]

For the first time in ages I have the urge to self harm. I guess my skin picking is self harm, but that's something that I do without even realizing it's happening. But this was the real deal. I haven't and I won't, but it's surprisingly challenging to cope with something that's been absent for this long.

I've been struggling to be kind, to sleep well, to communicate. I did some yard work today, but it didn't relieve anything. Journaling is not helping either.

To keep myself from having an outburst I stood at the sink and trimmed individual split ends with cosmetic scissors.

 

[12birds]

It's 3am and I can't sleep. Brain won't stop going even though I'm tired. Body can't get comfortable. I feel disconnected from both.

 

[12birds]

Recently, I read a blurb about suffering (I don't remember where). It said that most people, like, at least 3/4 of people do not experience severe internal suffering. I don't know if the numbers are true, but it bothers me.

I certainly don't wish the way we (that is, the users on this website, but also other people with mental health concerns) feel on anyone. But it's hard to understand there are people that do not struggle inside themselves. I want to be like them, but I've been this way since childhood. What do I do with this?

 

[12birds]

I've felt spacey all day. Touch is overwhelming. There is more I want to say, but the words won't form.