Some of my friends have graduated this semester. Special emphasis is placed on their honors and accomplishments, given the circumstances and the lack of commencement. They deserve this attention and I am very happy for them. Selfishly, I am also sad for myself.
I wanted so badly to be consistent. To not be the flakey friend, to get good grades regularly, and to be part of my campus community. Many of my professors (at least those in my program) knew I was a disaster and allowed me a certain level of leniency, but my still GPA suffered.
Why couldn't I graduate with a 4.0 double major, be president of two clubs, and study abroad like my ex-roommate? Why is it that every time I called home I had to hear about how easy college was for my father and how there was no for me excuse not to be the best because HE was the best? Why did I spend Why did I JUST find out it's very likely I have ADHD? Why did my PTSD symptoms start my very first semester? Why do I struggle to function?
My former therapist, bless his heart, once asked if I'd ever thought about reporting my rape.
I looked at him and said, "People don't like rape victims like me". My story is not cut and dry, it's not easy to comprehend. It was not back-alley violence. Even when it is the "perfect" case, the conversations are so hateful.
Now I come to this place where I'm not regretting it, but I'm wondering. Would things be different for me now? Would I somehow feel validated or more at peace? What road should I have taken?
I suppose what they say is true - comparison will kill you.
Good day at work. Still training and learning a lot of new things each shift. My boss recognized I was getting overwhelmed and starting to panic while learning one of the machines and she stepped in before I even realized I was panicking. I'm not excited about working in food service, but I don't feel in over my head here.
Have not wanted physical affection for a couple days and it's starting to cause tension. He holds me so tightly at night that I can't move, which causes me to wake up thrashing.
I've been needing a lot of alone time and that's also causing some issues. I don't have the energy to be a good partner right now. I don't want to put effort into anything except what is easy and mind numbing. I don't want to talk, hug, spend time, or anything. I just want to be alone.
I'm struggling today. I did all the right things- got out of bed, worked out, bathed - and I still feel like this. My eating disorder is rearing its head again and I'm slipping into restricting. Seems like a cruel joke when my PTSD is managed and the other things are spiraling. Maybe because PTSD seems like something I'll be able to cast off from my psyche and the other things are embedded. But I know this isn't true.
I'm considering asking my parents to help me pay for my insurance deductible so I can get back into treatment. But this virus makes the process so much more intimidating and confusing. Plus, having done video calls in the past, I just don't find them helpful.
I also need to talk to my PCP about getting tested for ADHD. But I just had to go in for something outside of my yearly physicals, so I'm afraid she'll think I'm bullshitting. Not that she's ever treated me like that before, but still.
I am near an episode, I think. I have not been sleeping well. I've been very touchy, somewhat argumentative. I pulled myself from self harming today, but only because it would be discovered and not because of the inevitable guilt and regret I always feel. I have not harmed since December and these months somehow mean nothing to me. I feel numb and raw all at once.
I fantasize about disappearing and telling no one. I have looping thoughts about horrible, fatal things happening to me. Journaling is not helping. I do not feel like a human being at the moment. How do you learn to recognize your limits? Have I reached mine?
Anniversary is quickly approaching. I'm a wreck. Last night I had a screaming-throwing-hitting meltdown (objects, not people). This kind of meltdown happens so rarely now that it's even more draining. It does not help I have a daily regular at work that looks like my rapist. Work has been hard this week.