12birds Journal

12birds

Confident
Despite the many good things happening in my life I am still struggling. It's hard not to feel like I should be fixed when I feel joy or positivity.

I am making all the right moves and I still have suicidal thoughts. I self harmed for the first time in months - 3 shy of a year. It didn't help except to numb.

I want so badly to live.
 

12birds

Confident
It's December. Where does the time go?

Improving in some areas, set back in others. Progress is so frustrating. I'm experiencing an increase in nightmares and dissociative episodes, but I'm still functioning. Sometimes these dreams are about the pandemic.

I'm continuing with therapy and would say it's ok I like my therapist and mostly trust her, she takes a less obviously clinical approach.

There was more I wanted to say, but it escapes me now. I'm alive and maybe not well but at least here.
 

12birds

Confident
An update:

- I've been at my job for something like 7 months. I'm applying to grad school for the fall semester.

- I'm doing a second round of trauma therapy. Started about a month ago and have seen a huge jump in symptoms. So here I am. My diagnosis has changed from PTSD to CPTSD.

- I get my second vaccination this coming week and my SO gets his first. I feel relieved.

- Shit's weird, but I'm trying
 

12birds

Confident
Thought dump.

I have to be up for work in a couple hours, but my brain won't calm down enough. I read an article that sleeping with socks may help with overall sleep quality, so damn it if I don't have socks on right now. I hate things on my feet, curse my rural upbringing. I've been in bed 2 hours and finally gave up to surf the net for a while.

I found 2 white hairs today - not grey. I text my mom and she said it could be stress, but she found her first ones at my age. Then I had a silent crisis about being less than 6 years from 30.

The dog won't stop kicking me in her sleep, but I'm happy she's here. She grunts and grumbles and overall is just a really weird animal. Today I caught her trying to eat the potting soil directly out of my cucumber planters.

Maybe sleep now.
 

12birds

Confident
Today my mother told me my sister admitted she's using heroin. I convinced myself it was just pills, although I think deep down I knew. Maybe I even verbalized that, but this is where we're at.
 

12birds

Confident
This weekend has been pretty exceptionally challenging. I'm trying to be gentle with myself for not always keeping it together under stress. I've been skin picking like crazy.

I heard something about mindfulness and the amygdala - trying to talk yourself into the moment and away from worrying can help settle your brain. It's harder than hell but worth trying i guess.
 

12birds

Confident
Reached an important section of therapy, I think. We were able to identify a block created from my previous trauma-focused therapy experience. The details aren't important, but I feel like it's significant. She's suggesting we discuss that eye movement treatment and I'm open to it, but she's not able to do it herself. I'd have to sit with a (male) therapist (her supervisor) that I do not know. Feels like a sticky area. She said she understood though, so we'll talk about it down the road. Lots of other work to do first.

Anniversary is next month and there is always a month-long build up to it. I don't remember exact dates, just that it's coming and it screws up the whole of June and July.
 

12birds

Confident
It's the end of September somehow.

I turn 25 next month, so obviously I will only have 25th birthdays for the rest of my life. If I age half as gracefully as my mother has I'll eat my hat.

Sometimes I feel like I've molted about 74 times and I've been so many different people in my short life. I guess that's trauma. Therapy has been rough the last few weeks - if we continue our current work it will be this week too.

I need a day off (I'm on day 8 of working) or I may possibly lose my shit. Other than that I am still kicking.
 

12birds

Confident
We went to Hobby Lobby yesterday. Instead of a traditional anniversary present, he let me go ham on 40% off Christmas decor. I found an aisle I was happy with and he said "I'm going to look around" and I said okay. About 15 minutes later I was ready to show him something, but could not find him. I'd never been to Hobby Lobby and suddenly felt so overwhelmed. I could.not.find.him. Cue the panic and spam phone calls. He wasn't answering. He found me in tears, almost hyperventilating by some fake flowers. This has never happened to me before.

It's one of those moments where you are still self-aware enough to realize if someone sees you freaking out in a store it could be bad, but you can't stop yourself. My whole toolkit went out the window.
 

12birds

Confident
I actually did The Thing in therapy today. I've brought up my CSA briefly and vaguely prior to this, but I laid it all out to her this evening. I felt twitchy and overwhelmed and it took everything in me to keep it together. A few weeks ago she brought me a little box to put things in when I need a break and at the end of the session we put it in the box. I feel so much more relief than I expected. It was also strange to have her acknowledge that the experience was as big and complicated as it feels.

She reminded me we have to go slow when unpacking big things and I guess that's fine. I don't know what to do with the free space I feel in my head from talking about it. Maybe just enjoy it while it lasts.
 
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