12birds Journal


Despite the many good things happening in my life I am still struggling. It's hard not to feel like I should be fixed when I feel joy or positivity.

I am making all the right moves and I still have suicidal thoughts. I self harmed for the first time in months - 3 shy of a year. It didn't help except to numb.

I want so badly to live.


It's December. Where does the time go?

Improving in some areas, set back in others. Progress is so frustrating. I'm experiencing an increase in nightmares and dissociative episodes, but I'm still functioning. Sometimes these dreams are about the pandemic.

I'm continuing with therapy and would say it's ok I like my therapist and mostly trust her, she takes a less obviously clinical approach.

There was more I wanted to say, but it escapes me now. I'm alive and maybe not well but at least here.


An update:

- I've been at my job for something like 7 months. I'm applying to grad school for the fall semester.

- I'm doing a second round of trauma therapy. Started about a month ago and have seen a huge jump in symptoms. So here I am. My diagnosis has changed from PTSD to CPTSD.

- I get my second vaccination this coming week and my SO gets his first. I feel relieved.

- Shit's weird, but I'm trying