12birds Journal

12birds

Confident
Sitting in my car on break trying to make it to 3pm, then to 6pm. This week has been god awful and I assume it's because of my last therapy session. I've been having the dreams, I've spent most of the week dissociated, and some other things.

Going through trauma therapy a second time for the same event was fine, but now I'm doing it for the third time for something I've never talked about. I feel like a mess and I just want to lie down.
 

12birds

Confident
Brain is in overdrive. I'm noticing a trend where I am feel worse the closer it gets to appointment days which seems bad?

I contacted a crisis line tonight and the woman was nice, but not really helpful in any way. Probably not her fault. I don't feel any better. So I wrote a letter to no one and now I'm waiting for my allergy meds to kick in.

I'm not, like, unhappy being me but I would like to trade this brain for something else. I am tired of white-knuckling literally every day. And I know there is an end to feeling this bad and everyone has bad days, etc, etc but I feel dumb as hell.
 

12birds

Confident
It's amazing to me that living with this diagnosis means sometimes you stand on your own feet and other times you are in freefall. I'm not in either place right now.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself lately, which (like in my last post) feels stupid. I feel overwhelmingly alone. It's very scary.

I've also been experiencing incredible guilt for the moments I do come alive, like I need to box it up and withdraw. I work until I make myself sick so I can numb out and focus on literally anything else, but then I get home and my strategy falls apart.
 

12birds

Confident
It is uncomfortable to oscillate between doing very well and very badly. This is happening frequently and often in the same 24 hour period.

I have so many unanswerable questions. My anxiety is worse than it's ever been. And somehow gratitude for certain things creeps in leaving me on this weird rollercoaster. I want to stop riding.
 
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