2020 job applying mess

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Let me first start by saying that I know that despite the whole mess I'm in I do recognise I have grown a bunch and learned a lot in the last year. And on my worst day, it's not as bad as 2019 was.
Still, being jobless for unknown amount of time is catching me off-guard and I'm struggling to cope. Almost posted this in like 5 different forums as I'm not even sure which aspect of it is more bothersome.

THAT being said, I had been stable working freelance(mostly for 1 client) for the past 10-11 months. Even through all that is going on in the world right now. Before that, I had been without work for at least a year, so finally being stable, I took it as first priority to start paying off debts I'd gotten in while surviving 2019. And I was growing a lot. Got a roomate, than she left for another country and I dealt with another roommate switch, which after being unable to tolarate coping with strangers was a big step for me too. Anyway. I am having a nice recovery despite the setbacks of 2020 and then... then my clients is late in sending the next work for 2 weeks. Says she's waiting on files, cool. I factor that in and expect her to be back in another 2 to 4 weeks. Not great, but all around not the worst situation. I spend all the money I have left to keep life as it was, and do some mini-grunt work (as in, underpaid) to supplement the money I had left for bills and living expenses. But it was all good, because my so far always dependable client would be back like usual soon.

AS it is she is not back and I'm in a mess involving living expenses and debts and visas. There are so many aspects of this that I'm super overwhelmed.
I had a whole plan (cause, I have to) and then today, I couldn't wake up, couldn't get up. And the whole day, I'm either resting or cleaning, and I'm not answering messages. I have a bunch of saved job posting on facebook and I'm yet to apply. So far I'm fine-ish. My mobile is off, but I have internet and viber. Other bills are postponed, but my rent is the worst/hardest. Was able to talk to my landlord to postpone it, but for a week only, so I have 2 weeks to cope with that. I'm not sure I have anything of value enough to get fast cash, though I'll try with my tablet. It's not superstrong but it's decently new. So I'm trying to deal with all these immediate worries, while also wanting to (at least temporarily) start a local job for a first time since I had PTSD and have to fill in the blanks in my work history somehow. I am terrified of change, though kinda okay with it. I'm simultaneously trying to start an etsy shop or do some online job to earn extra income as even if I have a job from tomorrow, I don't have a way to get by for a full month until payday. And somehow juggling all of this has to work, because it's 2020 so everyone is struggling too, I can't get credit and it's all I can manage. Like, the work/cash I have could get me through food and bus, but that's it. For rent, I'll have to do more side work, and try to sell something. Somehow I believe I'll get through the rent, but that aside, eveything else is still needing income, my bills and debts and so on.

And I made a HUGE list of ideas on how to handle this(job ideas, forums and so on plus mental health stuff to do to cope) of how to deal with this and I was proud. But it's a BAD situation. And on top of it today I just froze. And lost a whole day to this fear. Because I had that year and a half, of pointless work search, and not having 1$ for bread and starving for weeks and almost being evicted and iving with my parents and being so depressed I couldn't stand up and breathe or fight for myself. And it took so long to start feeling like I'm moving away from it and this situation makes me feel like I'm back. Like if I had been smart with all going on around the world, I would have been able to have done something differently. So as not to be in this situation again. I know, mentally, that it wasn't ready until now, for local job. I know I started from nothing for a while, so it took a while to dig myself out so not having what to sell is not surprising. I know facts are what they are, but I'm scared. And being better means I know that one day, is not the end of the world. Maybe I needed it, maybe I needed it to digest. But I'm scared of this bleeding into other days, stopping me from taking action, scaring me into retreating to who I was and not being able to cope. Because I know, there must be a way to cope. Because I don't need insane amounts of money and if I could have few people I could ask even for 10$ it would make a dent, but it's 2020 and it's not an option. And I'm just scared of falling back into that starving-depressed job searching haze in which I can't really find something fast enough or think I don't have the qualities to get something. Because I do. I have to. But this is just a mess. I dount anyone can help me,, but I had to write this. I don't know how to hope and being on here is my attempt at trying to vent, or get support or whatever. Of trying to keep my head above water. So if you read all of this, thank you still. May we all get to 2021 safe and sound.
 
Yeahhhh.... Ugh.... 2020's been a similar mess for me too... Some weeks I cope with it "okay" other weeks my brain is just like "noooo".

As I was reading your post and seeing you write that rent is the biggest problem... It made me think that yes, probably so many people are going through the same situation right now... Would it be an option to end your lease and to rent a room somewhere off someone else who's also not able to make rent without a roomate right now?

Paying the rent on a room might feel less overwhelming and more flexible?

I know it's not ideal, but in these kinda survival situations, ideal is sometimes just not an option.

It can be a real relief to "downsize" and find a way of living within your really limited means for a while.

And renting a room would give you more indepence than "having to live with your parents". It would be a mature, grown-up choice to make during a pandemic where everyone's finances are weird/ stretched/ non-existant.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Yeahhhh.... Ugh.... 2020's been a similar mess for me too... Some weeks I cope with it "okay" other weeks my brain is just like "noooo".
First I want to say, thank you for replying so nicely! I was a mess (understandably) at the starting of this week. So I needed to vent it out.
Paying the rent on a room might feel less overwhelming and more flexible?
I guess I wasn't clear in the post. But I am renting a room. It's 2-bedroom apartment that me and my roommate share with the kitchen and bathroom being shared. And when I was looking at that apartment I was also not in good state(last year) so it's the cheapest I could reasonably find. Anyway, for a moment there I was actually afraid that I wouldn't be able to afford even the lower rent with a roommate. You know when facts mix with the wonderful PTSD catastrophizing, ends up a baaad combo.

Meanwhile, one of the projects I was trying to get on the side came through and I should be paid for it at the end of next week just on time for rent. And it's from a client I have worked with in the past, so I know they are reliable. Been working on it for a first day today. That project will cover at least the next 2 months, the way it's shaping, paying for each part of it bi-weekly. All the plans I made in a panic though- the looking for a local part-time job, looking for more projects, starting a business, it's all still fair game. Because this project might have work for more than 2 months but it might not. And this time I need to be ready. Thankfully, I still got it, which means that after these 2 weeks, I'll be able to get back to paying my bills properly like an adult on time. And have some breathing room to find stable work here and online. (hopefully)

I suppose now the biggest issue I have now is to do all the project work as many hours as I can daily, and balance that with leaving time for job hunting. I don't know how I'll balance it. But, I want to do better this time. And, with all happening in 2020, I am just feeling relieved and lucky to have something to work on again, and so fast after I started looking!
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I'm having some trouble focusing, so wasn't able to read your whole post, but what I did read sounded a bit familiar and I just wanted to say you're not completely alone. I haven't worked full-time since March, and the work I have managed freelance won't pay for groceries. I am fortunate in that my mortgage is on hold for another 3 months, and I'm able to get some help from my mom, but it is HARD.

I really like working freelance, but it's going to be awhile before I can discipline myself enough to actually get clients who will pay what I charge, so I have been keeping track of jobs that are available on several job sites. I applied for one tonight for the first time - I hope you can find something you can apply to soon, and that you are able to get enough work to pay your bills!
 
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