Hi, I’m 20 years of age and I’m new to this, I’ve never talked about my ptsd in detail to anyone but it’s been getting worse so I thought I’d try this out.. 3 years ago I was sexually abused and then harassed by my now ex boyfriend. It happened when we were in a park near his house and ever since then I hate crowds and being alone with guys in public settings. I know it’s weird to be afraid of a public setting but it’s the way my brain works now. To top it all off I watched my dad die last year roughly a week after my 19th birthday. He had been struggling from lung cancer for almost four years, I can’t lie next to anyone anymore without making sure that they’re still breathing. I can’t walk by someone sleeping without wondering if they’re okay and I can’t sleep without seeing not only my dad but my abuser as well. The things about my dreams with my abuser though, they’re good dreams, like I still love him and I feel so guilty about it when I wake up because I hate him and what he did to me. And my dad is in 90% of my dreams and I can’t stand it anymore, it hurts so much but I don’t know what to do.