Sufferer 20yo Sexually Abused By ExBoyfriend & Watched My Dad Die Last Year

Fable_marie

New Here
Hi, I’m 20 years of age and I’m new to this, I’ve never talked about my ptsd in detail to anyone but it’s been getting worse so I thought I’d try this out.. 3 years ago I was sexually abused and then harassed by my now ex boyfriend. It happened when we were in a park near his house and ever since then I hate crowds and being alone with guys in public settings. I know it’s weird to be afraid of a public setting but it’s the way my brain works now. To top it all off I watched my dad die last year roughly a week after my 19th birthday. He had been struggling from lung cancer for almost four years, I can’t lie next to anyone anymore without making sure that they’re still breathing. I can’t walk by someone sleeping without wondering if they’re okay and I can’t sleep without seeing not only my dad but my abuser as well. The things about my dreams with my abuser though, they’re good dreams, like I still love him and I feel so guilty about it when I wake up because I hate him and what he did to me. And my dad is in 90% of my dreams and I can’t stand it anymore, it hurts so much but I don’t know what to do.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Fable_marie, welcome to the site. That's awful that your boyfriend abused you and then dealing with your father's death. I'm sorry. Keep on posting, there are lots of supportive people here. Best wishes S3. 😊
 

K's Mom

New Here
Hi Fable,

I'm new to myptsd.com, too. There are a lot of compassionate and knowledgeable people here that are happy to lend support, from what I can tell thus far.

When I was your age, I watched my mother die after a long illness. I'm much older than you now.

It's not uncommon to see people from the past who have been part of your life to (sort of) re-visit in dreams - night dreams and even sometimes during the day.

Your father is one of the reasons you are here. He is/was a part of you for more than 19 years. New memories, hopefully, many many happy ones will become superimposed on old memories. And, hopefully, you'll come to cherish some things about your father that you feel grateful for. Breathe. And think of those things when you can. Eventually, in all likelihood, dreams with him in them will fade. What you remember of him in his last moments may never entirely go away but they will fade, too.

I'm not a therapist, but have undergone therapy for my issues. I was sorry to read about what happened with your ex-BF and at the same time glad to read he is now your ex. It seems natural that you wouldn't want to go to parks or crowded places now. Perhaps, little by little and maybe with some counseling that will change, too.

{{hugs}}
 
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