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Sexual Assault 22 Facts That Changed My Life- But There Is Hope -sharing Online Empowers Healing-you Can Make It!

where have you shared your stories so far? (these together are powerful for healing)

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Xavier Leroi

New Here
My parents never knew about all these stories, just a part of them.
you have people that turn into sexual assaulters, and those who don't-
I never did, and never ever felt tempted to, it made me consider a child as most Sacred though,
never wanting anyone to go through what I so consciously had gone through, ever. I always
felt like there must be a God, I felt like an omnipresent conscious presence but not being able to fully define it.

I have been exceedingly addicted to things with sugar and been a sexual addict towards woman in general, (legitimate of age) more then often through pornography though. I had sexual contact with my first sexual contact when I was 17.

With woman though, real woman, live, I always really aimed to show them a maximum of respect, and my connection with girlfriends (I don't mean partners per se, but 'friends' has been great. I also have a partner right now, a girl that is just perfect, really fantastic..;

I always have felt like hiding who I am, hiding forming my ego/subconscious veil, and my fears and my mother really reflected that same attitude towards me, also. Everything in my life was about "survival" and all things related to that.

So many gifts that are in me that I pray and feel will come to the surface after sharing this..; I especially remember a moment where I was in the courtyard of my school and yelling at someone to defend a friend, but there was a tree in-between me and the person I yelled to , very consciously, because I was hiding. I was 11 years old. I so so often ran away from home, for that and to run away from any negativity in the world, that I back then felt I couldn't handle.

I also was gnashing my teeth a lot, because of the sexual abuse.
I was holding so many things within me because it felt safer not to tell anyone, not even my parents.

Of all of the things that are happening, I never enjoyed any of these things

So, to recapitulate, when I was a child, I was so deeply conscious, having come to this earth. I felt the spirit of God, the omnipresent breath of life, that always made me wonder about there being 'more' and it's what has driven me to seek for the truth, ultimately, in order to find a way to free myself from all suffering

The first drama in my life happened when I was 6 (and I feel that sharing that too, I was hit in the face for the very first time for not calling my new stepfather 'dad' and calling him by his name. He apologized for it when I was older but..; by sharing it I believe will be able to finally let it go. I very often felt rejected by my mother because she was rejecting herself as a being subconsciously. Starting when I was 6, I remember a day that she was reading a magazine and I wanted her attention badly because there was this ability that came from inside of me being such an important thing coming forth from still being very very connected with the source of my being and really hope to find back again..;

In any of these facts, that you will read are all based on wanting to please someone else.

The Magazine

When I was 8, we had this end of the year school-party
I had found a little magazine at school~I was just a curious child and didn't really know what to do with it, nor with myself~ I had automatically figured that I should not show it to anyone else, as my parents or others may be taking it away. The first thing that came to mind was to observe what it was about, in the privacy of my bedroom.

While being there, all alone, a type of sexual instinct came up in my mind, biologically feeling
aroused, but, nothing more than that. My parents discovered the little magazine as I had hidden it between my clothes in my ward-robe, and were upset about it, took it with them to get rid of it.

The cardridge house

Here, still at the age of 8, I had a friend coming over (a boy). He must have been my age.
I had, in my bedroom a child-sized cardridge house to play with where I could get into
having windows, the outside was white with a design on it that made it look like a house.
I remember that friend, suddenly asking me, if I could give him..'oral sex?' In a friendly way though- And back then, I had no idea or concept of why such a physical action would be harmful or really wrong. To me back then it was a friend asking me for a favor, not wanting to harm me or being unfriendly. I was like eh..ok, if that can make you happy, I'll do it..;
And so I did it, just for a while and then it stopped (there was no orgasm involved on his part)
My belief was that he probably, unfortunately saw that in a movie that his parents may have left behind or so (he never told me).

Feeling a bit uncomfortable about the physical implications of it.I felt like I wanted to forget about it so , I 'pushed it away into my subconscious' and
'''forgot''' about it. In my conscious mind, it felt as if one would do something like emptying a trashcan and getting your hands dirty and then just let what happened go (only that was indeed different).

The neighbour 1: My parent's room

Where did he got his inspiration from?

There was a neighbour living two houses away, the son of a butcher, whom's parents didn't really looked after that much, because of always being busy all the time.
He was a child that got everything that he got as a compensation for that.
He was often kind of wreckless with the emotions of others.
He was 11 and I must have been 10 years old.
He introduced me to beer (of which I -fortunately- only took one sip and didn't like it at all)
at that age. And also introduced me to the first horror movie I ever saw (way to early in my opinion). "It" from Stephen King which up to this day still brings up thoughts in me that don't serve me as a human being. Such as when seeing a clown there is always that reference with that movie...;

But, here it is, at a certain moment , when bieng in my parent's house he comes to me
and asks me if I wanted to give him oral sex (at the same age as described above)
and I was doubting whether I wanted to do it because I felt it to be strange to do. But then he mentally pushed me to do it as he was a bit bossy; He had brought his own condom,and we went to my parent's bedroom, who back then were still together. And there it happened,
to the final point where he had an orgasm.

The neighbour 2: My sister

I'm not sure whether it was the same day, but he said to me that he wanted to talk with my sister, and 'play doctor'. I felt puzzled, not really knowing what to do or think, having no idea about the consequences of such actions~ And he was kind of bossy and pushing people to get his own way, we went to my sister's room and he then said that he was going to investigate her.
So, he took off her pants and, with his finger started to investigate, literally, her female genitals, just for a brief moment, to see what it looks like, nothing more than that, and then we left the room.

The neighbour 3: The Bridge

Yet another day, that same neighbour asked me an another friend living nearby,
if we could go under a bridge, together and '?' masturbate eachother? And me and that
friend felt quite uncomfortable, I felt it to be a strange idea, but back then I still had the notion or idea that I could just let it go afterwards, I thought..;
So there as well, it happened but it didn't went on untill the end, and we eventually all went home.

*Just inbetween as well, it comes to mind, just telling it to, put in perspective, to be able to let it go. I remember going to play outside with that neighbour and my mom being so upset about me not coming home on time, having looked for me all evening. We had been wandering here and there through the town, pretty closeby, also in an area where a canal was being constructed.

Sexual education at school

My age here: 11 years old. A very decisive part in my experience of life as well. They said necessairy, but..I would have been better off with having that information, later, in my case.

Here we learned about sexuality between a man and a woman, pregnancy, masturbation, and anti-conception.

The uncle: My grandparent's house

When I was aged 11, I was at my grandparent's house. It was night, and me and my 11 , 12 and 13 year old aunts were all laying in bed. My uncle woke me up about 30 minutes or an hour after we went to bed, asking me if I wanted to join him in the bathroom as he wanted to show me something (I believe he said). I didn't know what to say, and didn't dare to say no..as he was much older than me, and was an uncle, which was seen as an 'authority figure'.
He asked me to give him oral sex, and then finished the job himself.

My aunt

My second oldest aunt, at a certain point asked me to have sex with her.
I from my side wouldn't have thought about it if she didn't ask.
(I learned afterwards that she had been sexually abused as well)
We had the idea of using a piece of a balloon that was already opened up to try to have sex.
There was no penetration involved.

The uncle: My parent's bathroom

As I was aged 11, still, my uncle was in the bathroom, shaving and washing his face, asking me something , and as I replied 'eh..what?' not having understood what he meant or even had said. Out of the blue he then asked me : 'did you say a (I don't know the exact term was but it involves a man placing his sexual organ between the breasts of a woman). And so he was
telling me after that that he was going to take a bath and, asked me if I could masturbate him while he was in it. So, it happened as he requested, and he had what he wanted.

My uncle: My bedroom at my parent's place

That same day, he was supposed to sleep in my bed and I on my sofa that could open;
He asked me to join him in my bed where he would sleep in, and then asked me to masturbate him and so to finish the job.

The cousin

At a certain point, I must have been 14 I suppose,
I saw my (I guess) 12 year old cousin emulating having sex with my sister, no penetration being involved. (Might he have been influenced sexually by 'the uncle' which I am about to talk about?) My sister was affraid and didn't know what to do , and I was laying in the grass a bit
further, puzzled, not really knowing what to do, say or think...; especially due to the previous
experiences, I suppose)

My uncle, that day, being 20 years old was there too and I found a sex magazine in his bag and asked him if I could borrow it, which he did.

The bycycle ride

I was 15 years old at the time.
While I was going to see a friend, living about 30 minutes riding with the bike,
I got lost on the road and at a certain point got approached by a man being on a bicycle
as well. I believe he asked me if I had a girlfriend, and then asked me if wanted to come home with him to do sexual things for him. I was so perplexed and didn't dare to say no thinking I would forget about it afterwards- and be able to let it go- just doing it to please him. I reacted with the same type of mental reaction I had since I was a child. He was a man being in his 30ties I believe. He said he would give me 1000 ..( the countries currency's name in 98); which surely was a lot of money. I had to masturbate him and finish the job...;
After that I felt like buying toys with that money, the very same day, just to compensate for what had happened, wanting something good to come out of it, as I absolutely didn't enjoy
those things myself, not at any given time..;
Had that man be sexually abused when he was younger? Maybe..;

The son of my parent's friends

My parents, now divorced though back then were in a choir.
I was a a personal friend of some of the children of the adults in that choir.
I remember us going to the same school together, also, during one year.
I was 15 years old, still (and he as well). In that same sofa being in my bedroom, I remember that he was emulating having sex with me, while we were clothed. Now I'm not sure whether he has been sexually abused when being younger, but...I'm wondering about where the inspiration came from in his mind at that time...

The local youthclub friend.

There was a local youthclub in the town where I lived when I was 17
A place where people come together to party& have drinks and occasionally do things
together...; There was a friend there that I knew-Probably being 18. At a certain point we went to his house, during the late evening (in that same town) and he asked me for some reason if
I could give him oral sex, which I did...still having the same reaction that I did during all these times...from that perspective that I had when all of these things started, for the very first time.
And I thought of asking him, well, can you do the same for me? As I thought that I could at least get something in return (maybe because someone give me something in return when I was 15, but just from a point of view of equality). As I would go to that lenght of effort to give him what he asked for, but he said he couldn't (I'm glad that he didn't, it would have made it more confusing)...; He then finished the job himself;

The old man asking for the directions
Perhaps one of the more influencial stories in my life;
I was 18 years old, being on vacation with my parents, being in a neighbouring country from where we lived. A old man, being in his 70ties was sitting in a car, having his window open.
He was asking me for directions, to help him find the correct location on a map. But what he presented in his question was kind of blury and unconcrete He said I am lost, can you help me find where I have to go, I believe I am here and have to go towards that place/direction.
He wasn't lost, in reality. He asked me to hold his map, and while I did so he slipped the map closer to his side, whereafter I discovered that he was naked, underneath his map; He then asked me for sexual favours to which I didn't dare to say no, still reacting in the same way then when I was a child; He drove off a bit further and asked me to give him oral sex as well, while he had a condom. He drove off after being finished.

The man in my local city
I remember it being quite late, I must have been 20 and was walking through the city.
A man from a neighbouring country had followed me and and thought I was interested in sex, while there was nothing about me that even came close, as I was just walking fast, generally, waiting for my last bus; He asked me if I wanted to be with him in his car for sexual services and still, I reacted as I did before that perplexed, not really knowing what to say...but to do what that man asked of me. He proposed me to go to his country for the weekend where he had a place where, he said, we could be having sex, having another man and a woman with us, and use cocaine. To which I replied that I had to be at home for the weekend, which I had made up while being there. We then drove off to my town's local park where he asked me to give him oral sex, with a condom, as well;

The trainride

I remember taking the train back from a place quite far from where I lived and,
stepping off one halt too late, I found myself in the neighbouring country.
That being the last train of the evening, I went to a local bar to ask if there
wasn't a way to get home. People pointed me to a man, that was into men.
Some people were joking about it, saying beware, in a subtle way. But since they
were all drunk, I was like hm..; and he knew those people and those people knew him,
He and I talked quite speedily after people pointing out to him, and, 30 minutes later, we went to his place. After that he started talking about having sex, to which , I was perplexed and felt powerless to resist against, in my mind, still having the same reaction that I did before.

He asked me started to try to kiss me while being at his place, but I could 'escape' that, not wanting to kiss him back at all. He started to undress me and himself and then he would touch me all over my body, play with himself and play with me...which I felt subjected to.

Later on that night, we went to brush our teeth and then went to bed after which he
forced oral sex upon me (he to me) I didn't know what to say or dare answering anything against what he said, so I felt very uncomfortable and he ultimately gave me an orgasm, which felt most shameful to me, but was purely biological, I felt even more shame and disgust and then tried to forget about what had just happened, putting it as far far away as I could in my mind, just trying to escape it.

After having breakfast- I went home the next morning, back to the neighbouring country, where I lived.

Shameful moments in a bar in the neighbouring country.

I was in a bar somewhere, having a lot to drink (alcohol). And so it made my subconscious come up, my deeply thorn subconscious. Due to the emotional imbalance of the source of my pure feelings being so blocked. I automatically acted fromout an emotional reaction that implied having to 'bow' down to other men's will in order to please them, be it in regular, normal contact. Acting fromout submissive emotions, putting myself away, acting fromout emotions ...cravings in need for approval and appreciation. That was the main vibe that was going on in me, and those people in that bar abused that. They asked me what I believe in, I said, I believe in myself, I believe in love, joy and freedom, (refering to God's infinite Love, infnite source of joy and our divine freedom to be ourselves, in alignment with God's essential law) and one of these people, being drunk as well made me kneel in front of a teddybear to pray to it. Laughing about even 'believing' in itself. As they were complete atheists. I felt horrible really, I felt abused, I felt mocked.

A club in the city

At a certain point, when being 25, I went to a local club in the city.
A person that I knew said that I could sleep over at his place.
I had come a cross a guy in the club that looked like a heterosexual guy.
being friendly, nothing shady or dodgy about him on the surface.
For some reason the other guy where I could sleep over to had dissapeared.
So, I had told that to the second guy that I had started talking with later on and
he then mentionned that I could sleep over at his place, saying the he lived nearby.
So after a while, between 6.30 and 7 in the morning, we went to his place, which was a 10 minute walk. So, were were in his appartment, and he then put on a sex-video..?
While I was laying on a matras next to him, he suddenly asked me to join him to which I replied that I just wanted to lay down and sleep. He then insisted several times, also asking me to masturbate him, to which I replied that I didn't want to. At a certain point he got mad, and started yelling, began to do physical guestures, asking me to get dressed and leave his appartment. And so I did, and he slammed the door, feeling frustrated. And so I left for home.

The catholic priest

aged 27
I was nearby a place much frequented by students.
I saw a catholic priest sitting on his chair outside as it was warm
He started talking with me about the history of the place he lived and other
catholic-related things he knew of. At a certain point he asked me if I wanted to have a drink, and asked me to come inside, which I did. The man must have been in his 60ties.
As I was inside and he offered me a drink. He asked me to sit by the table - it was a table
with 6 chairs around it (2-2-2-2 on each side) and I intended to sit somewhere having one chair inbetween but then he asked me to come and sit closer to him. Which made me suspect something. So I did, just staying cautious. As we were talking he then suspiciously came closer and closer to me and I believe that at a certain point he started to touch my leg. So the more than obvious closeness and his hand on my leg made it obvious that there were other things he had in mind than just the content of the conversation.
I then said that I had to go, that it was time. "He said, come back anytime!"
After having said goodbye I then left, and took the bus.

The man in the street
I think I must have been 28- I was walking through the city on a saturday night, not really knowing what to do and coming across a friend that I had met in a club a few years before. I suspected that he was homosexual, but, I didn't mind. He was beig very friendly to me, giving me compliments, with having in the back of his mind the idea to want to have sex with me. He then made sexual advances to me.
Which I refused in the beginning. Then he asked me if I wanted to give him a massage and recieve one, already having taken off part of his clothes. For a moment I thought it wouldn't hurt me, but ultimately from wanting one thing he then wanted another thing, continuing down the road to sexuality. Deep inside I didn't want to but for a brief moment, even though I innitially didn't want to, the idea, just the idea, which wasn't per se in accordance with how I really felt inside, that it may perhaps be a relief to suffering and exploring myself in a new way, but I couldn't have been further away from the truth in me that night.

I have always known and felt deep inside that I wasn't homosexual and just really wanted to be a real man on the outside, always working on myself to one day discover what that is really all about, how it feels when having touched all aspects of yourself.
And so he took off my clothes and wanted to have anal sex with me, he tried to 'get in' but I wouldn't let him..He had used a condom though but ultimately he had an orgasm, having his semen spreaded over my lower back..; I then took a shower and we went to sleep into the same bed, but nothing happened there as he had to get up early..;

I felt horrible, I felt that I had betrayed myself as I sexually am into women, and have always been. All of this time I have never ever ever been *sexually* attracted to men, ever.

22.The drunk man

Here, I believe that I wa 29 years old. I remember being in the city at some point,
A man, told me after having seen me several times, that he likes me and had an eye on me for quite a long time, which I didn't see coming since he totally doesn't look like he falls for men.
But it seems that his subconscious spilled out what has been on his mind for quite some time, as he was totallly drunk. I remember it was whiskey that he had had, by the way, amongst certain types of heavy beers..; He insisted on me wanting to come and live with him (generally, not right away). And I said, no, I'm fine thanks; And so he wanted to have a walk with me to the nightshop that night, so we did. I had known him for some time and he didn't really look like a threat though. At a certain point he tells me that he wishes to go to a garage somewhere (since he was homeless) because he wanted to drink there, for some time, and he wanted to "show me something". (which I found very traumatic~and just shocking), to add to the rest of the experiences I had had. Once we were in a garage somewhere, he took out his genitals and said the words "Look at this big shiny cock, don't you want to touch it?" and that was really over the top for me. I had really had enough..
I told him that we needed to get out of the garage.We walked out and had a conversation about other things, I remember, and that's where I left him. I kind of avoided him a lot for the rest of the time.
I guess he doesn't remember that, since he was wasted-out of control wasted..;
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