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2nd Time Husband Has Blamed Me And The Kids

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Lee, Feb 4, 2007.

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  1. Lee

    Lee Member

    Hi. I kind of cut and pasted this a bit from the intro page as I guess you start with your awful story. My husband W, was diagnosed with PTSD in 2005 after blaming his 'issues' on me and the kids for around a year (he is ex-Army). Since we met in '88 he was a funloving, happy, nothing worried him kind of bloke, even if he was always a bit hypo. Came from a loving family. The kids and I had put up with a more and more withdrawn and strange husband/father for a few years before he was diagnosed. He traumatised us severely through 2005 until school recommended that my son (aged 7 then) see a psych at he was suffering 'abused child' symptoms. The psych backed it up and W had to go into counselling with my son....still he would not admit that he had any 'issues' that he needed to work on....it was my son's fault and my fault. I finally confronted him and he broke down and said he didn't know what he wanted anymore....to be on his own or what. I begged him to get help but he wouldn't, saying that it was all due to me and the kids not 'doing' things that we should to keep him happy. We were causing it all his 'issues' and his anger. At this time he was also making the transition from a demanding military career to a new demanding career in emergency services management. Stangely, through everything, he missed not one day of work and continued to portray an efficient, charming and effective work profile while monstering us at home (I was a mess...at least 10 days off work tat year, too distraut t get out of bed). I came from a family filled with emotional abuse, my mother being bipolar and my father a pacifist who dealt with her rage by 'zoning out', and I had specifically chosen W as my partner due to his seemingly 'happy' demeanour. It was like reliving all the demons from by childhood. He then used this against me and told me that I was the 'crazy' one due to my mothers background, when I was distraught at his treatment. After 9 months of pure hell, in 2005 the kids and I (aged 8, 11 and 13 then) left him around Sep 05. I had been getting my own counselling for over a year and had a good support network of friends who had also seen the change in W and helped me feel that I was 'OK' and that he was not. Working full-time in a good job it was no problem for me to set up a home for the kids and I. He finally broke down only after about 3 weeks of being by himself and sought help. He started on meds, got some counselling (2 counsellors and a psych) and I let him move in the the kids and I......on the proviso that 'my' house was a happy and peacful house and he was not to destroy that peace. We decided a few months later (after selling the old 'hateful' house where we had all our fights), to buy a new family home and moved in......a distraction I guess...plus both working full time....not much time to work through any old issues or resentents. He decided to go cold turkey off his meds in Aug 06 and stopped all counselling. I only found out as the weekend he went off them he had an 'aggro' attack at me in a packed pub where we were with friends.....to the point where two men I vaguely knew - a policemen and a prison gaurd - came over to see if I needed protecting. I dragged him to his doctor the next Monday and the doctor made him promise that if I told him that his behaviour was abnormal again he would go back on his meds. However he started to withdraw and get anal/angry again but not as bad as first time. 11 days into our 22 day Christmas holiday 2000km from home (staying with his mother) he threw at me once more that he didn't know what he wants...to be married/father or not.....and blamed everything on the kids and me.....nothing to do with PTSD he says, all his 'issues' are caused by us.....if only I would back him up when he is 'monstering' the kids bacause their rooms are not up to military inspection order......if only I was more loving to him.....everything our fault. This time I asked him to leave, which he did...for a week..then came running back....saying he loves us etc.....I am on a HUGE emotional roller coaster......am going back to my own counsellor next week. When he is good he is the old W I met and loved, but when he is bad he is an angry, nasty monster. After my upbringing I don't know how long I can stay on this roller coaster he has put me on. Am I damaging the kids irrepairably staying with him....or would a break up be worse for them? How much should I take on board and keep trying and trying to be 'who' he wants? At almost 40 I know I have looked after myself physically, I have a good job and financially we are incredibly well set up, with 3 fantastic kids.....but all the feedback I get (as I got at home from my mother), is that I'm not good enough......all comments and support will be greatly appreciated XX
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  3. vcc123

    vcc123 Active Member

    whoa !!

    Lee.. get off the rollercoaster !! You need to do whats best for you and your children. Its HIS fault he isnt getting and KEEPING up on his treatment, NOT YOURS. Speaking from experience.. I'd rather be a child from a divorced home that from an abused home. Neither you nor the kids need that. Its breaking you down.. and the kids.. you tried to help him.. you tried to hang in there.. but at some point.. (and it sounds like you already know this) you need to save yourself and your kids. Give yourself permission to get on with it. You are NOT your mom.. or your dad.. You sound like a strong, independent, intelligent woman. Give yourself credit, and make yourself happy. No more guilt. :kickass:
  4. hannah

    hannah Active Member

    :jerk: Lee HI nice to meet you.....

    this thing is like a template yea. so many different relationships and the same story.

    sorry you have to go through this too. The guys on here are "RIGHT" you must start to focuson you first and the kids. IT IS HARD but gets easier each day .. some days are filled with more pain than others that we have been "dealt these cards" however it is not an easy road and I have seen the
    bottom of it.

    Monster alien whatever we call is it is nasty and ugly. Torn between the love and the hate for this "thing" that jumps out and scares the hell out of everybody. I am mourning the loss of my relationship as my previous darling husband ignores and has retracted the love he used to adorn us with.

    He has chosen to live his life regardless of what I have tried to help him with.

    I KNOW he has issues, health fatigue memory loss uncontollable anger .....but no more I had to toughen up with the help of these guys here who are actually facing their demons and doing their best. I have the utmost respect for what they are doing and what hell some of them have been through.

    I send you my best wishes for you to do what is best for you and your family.

    You sometimes are faced with decisions.... sometimes decisions are forced upon you. If I may offer you advice ..... start to "live" start to enjoy your children and continue guiding them on the right road. You have the strength to cut the crap out of your life however you do it.

    take care of yourself first or nothing can be achieved - he is responsible for himself -- however we didnt envisage this but it must be taken for the nuisance that it is.

    I have had a break from this forum to heal myself - I am healing god is good I am in his hands now - I still stand by my marriage vows they are sacred to me I still want to work on my relationship but I wont put my life on hold for another person that is totally unfair. The day is going to tick by and it will dawn again tomorow so enjoy.

    If I sound a bit melancholy sorry - It is me accepting this unnaceptable situation.

    Watch Jarhead the movie if you havent already - a brilliant film that is reccommended on here. A perfect insight into the life of a mind blown away by destruction. I am one of the lucky ones we have known so many get killed and more recently one bloke blew his head off cause he couldnt cope any more.

    sorry this is long but I mean it sincerely.
  5. Lee

    Lee Member

    Thanks Hannah,
    All the reply posts mean SO much to me. You can feel so alone with this, like losing a husband but he is still there in the flesh.....so no-one (unless they witness the anger etc) understands. Last time we separated I used all of my girfriends as 'counsellors' and souding boards....I think they all dreaded seeing or hearing from me in the end.

    This time I am only sharing with a few VERY close friends and those who understand, PLUS I have a great counsellor through VVCS who I am seeing tomorrow for the 1st time since Aug last year to fill her in on what happened over Xmas.

    Aug was when W went off his meds, had a freak out and then dropped all counselling and everything as he was 'recovered'. He wants to go with me to the counsellor to prove to me through her that it is me and the kids causing all of his 'issues'....nothing to do with him at all.

    I SO loved the old W too...he was so fun and loving....this new one can be like that one day and an absolute ogre the next...and I don't know how long I can cut it...even though like you I married 'for better or worse'. think comin from an abusive childhood makes it worse, I don't want to be ripped of in early life and again in later life !

    Oh well....time will tell how this all works out. Once again thanks for your posts and support XX
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