4 losses all at once

Mrzlove

New Here
Hi guys. I am really struggling in every area of my life. For the last 6 months I have been in bed liberally for most of that time. My body feels dead my head is empty and I cant feel anything. I cant feel any connection to anything or anyone and i am married with a teenage son. I am very disconnected. I have constant tension in my face and my jaw feels like it is starting to deform lol. I have had these illnesses for a very long time but have not been physically affected for this long before. I have ptsd, bpd, depression and anxiety. I believe the affect on my body is the build up of all the grief. I lost my job in December, my son moved out in january I feel like I lost my husband to the church and community, and I lost my father in april. I think maybe it was the losses and my mind not being able to function or cope with it all. However I need to start feeling again. I have always turned to drinking to cope but made up my mind to not drink to cope with this. Because I want to understand what I am feeling and why and where the root of it all has come from. I feel like my ptsd has manifested into something so dangerous. I literally feel death Is just around the bend I can almost taste it. If that makes sense. I know i sound so selfish and I probably am but I am trying to survive. I have locked myself away from many people because I dont want to be around energies. I constantly post how I feel on social media because I hate talking. And can never express myself with verbal words. Music is my savioir and sometimes my biggest enemy. The week my dad died I was in bed and felt paralyzed. The night before he died my hubby was applying for a devorce online. Then the next day we got the news my dad had died. I was numb the whole time and couldnt feel anything which made me feel even worse. I was numb For about 3 months. After burying my father I ran away from my husband for 1 month to get away and breathe. During this time I slept with a mutual friend of mine and my husband I still was disconnected and numb. It has been 2 months since I have returned home. I am still disconnected and am pushing my husband away. I cant feel anything but tension and all I want to do is run away and be my own burden. I trust noone but i also dont want to die. I'm not sure what to do. Does anyone know what I should do because I cant figure it out and I'm just so drained
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi, sorry for your reasons of being here. I used to use alcohol also but stopped nearly a year ago. Do you have a therapist? Have you told a doctor how your feeling? It sounds like you need help.
 

8888

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry to hear about all your losses. I agree with @Survivor3 that talking to a therapist and doctor could be helpful. Therapists can help with grief and changes in your life. If you don't have a therapist your primary care doctor can likely refer you to one.
 

Friday

Moderator
However I need to start feeling again. I have always turned to drinking to cope but made up my mind to not drink to cope with this.
Did you replace the drinking with any other coping mechanisms? Or just cut yourself off from everything you use to self-regulate?
 

Mrzlove

New Here
Did you replace the drinking with any other coping mechanisms? Or just cut yourself off from everything you use to self-regulate?
No I didnt replace it with anything. I cut everything. This is a new process I am trying. I think I just disconnected and not sure where I went. I keep trying to find myself but am blank amd feel nothing. I know it happened before my dad passed so I ha e been trying to find out when it happened. Sometimes I pop in and out if that makes sense. It's the longest I have ever been disconnected. I am trying to make sense of everything and find the core. At night I have noticed tension in my jaw had gotten worse and cant sleep till about 3am. It feels right that I am consciously searching. However I'm not sure how to navigate through. It's very draining and my body feels dead.
 

Friday

Moderator
No I didnt replace it with anything. I cut everything.
I wish I’d understood how stress related disorder responds to stress, when I did something similar, years back, thinking I was being “responsible”.
This is a new process I am trying.
Word to the wise… what you’re experiencing with this new process? A MASSIVE surge in symptoms, and near total loss of functionality, relationships breaking, 6 months in bed, suicidal ideation, and all the rest? Is exactly what you can expect to happen if you have a disorder that’s incrediably reactive to stress, and essentially sau “f*ck stress management”. Been there, done that!

Like a diabetic who tosses their insulin in the garbage, chucks out all their healthy foods, quits exercising, and only eats cake & soda. It’s a reeeeeally predicitble end result & a very very bad idea. I didn’t know that, so I ended up losing everything in the process. Took me years to get even close to back to where I was -a hot f*cking mess- before I decided to be “responsible” >.< and quit doing all the things I used to do when my disorder -and my life- were well managed.

This (below) conceptualizes it waaaay better than I ever could. I only wish I’d come across it sooner, in my own life.
 
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