I turn 40 tomorrow.
Not sure why I am sharing that here.. y'all don't really know me yet because I am so new here.
But it's significant. And I need to share it somewhere. With someone.
Part of me wants to throw a pity party about it.
40!
Good lord the "best years" are over and I am one decade closer to the big dirt nap.
But really.... when I think about it .... my 30's weren't THAT great. If I am going to inventory my "best years"... it's a sordid inventory. Because there werent any years that were my "best years". Then again, they ALL were... for one odd reason or another.
Years 0 to 18 I don't recall a lot beyond some really dramatic events... crap that stands out like a bad Tarantino movie... with a lot of comedy, but mostly tragedy... and largely blank spots inbetween.
20 to 30 was pretty ground breaking. Actually getting rid of the apathy of whether I lived or not. That was good. Lots of therapy. Getting off the chemicals. Stepping up to the plate to be a good Mom to my fiance's little boy. LOTS of forward advancement in honor of that little boy.
My 30's were good because I had hit a certain point of wisdom. Went pell-mel into my "career". Stabilized my finances, long term responsibilites... took over the care of my aging mum (which had a lot of triggers and baggage to go with it). But otherwise, my 30's were seriously lacking... because I became so involved in "everything else"... I started losing me somewhere along the way.
Tonight is my last day of being 39. My last day of being "in my 30's". And here I am.... recently finding myself on THIS site and in THIS situation. Gory-sakes and Begora. :rolleyes:
What a surprise. Seriously.
My negative thoughts tell me that I am screwed... being in this place, on the very brink of turning 40.
My stubborness says "OH HELL NO. 40 is the new 30. Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of your life". :rofl:
But no, really. I'm gonna roll with that thought.
Tonight I sucked it up and did my Imagery exercise here. It will be my parting "bravery action" of being "in my 30's".
I mean, what the Hell..... I start EMDR therapy on Thursday.... I might as well get my toes into the water before I head into the...whatever.
Maybe 40 will be magic. Maybe my 40's is when its alllll gonna come together. Maybe a new life will start tomorrow, if I make sure it does.
Maybe.
Maybe I will be embarrassed for posting this.
Maybe not.
The weird thing about being a moderated member is you cant take it back.
Once you hit "submit".... you're screwed. :rofl:
Maybe that's what's best for me.
m1
p.s. I want to start a trauma diary here. Seems I am too chicken to do so right now "in my 30's". Maybe I will get brave, once I'm 40, and do what I ought to do. :crazy:
Not sure why I am sharing that here.. y'all don't really know me yet because I am so new here.
But it's significant. And I need to share it somewhere. With someone.
Part of me wants to throw a pity party about it.
40!
Good lord the "best years" are over and I am one decade closer to the big dirt nap.
But really.... when I think about it .... my 30's weren't THAT great. If I am going to inventory my "best years"... it's a sordid inventory. Because there werent any years that were my "best years". Then again, they ALL were... for one odd reason or another.
Years 0 to 18 I don't recall a lot beyond some really dramatic events... crap that stands out like a bad Tarantino movie... with a lot of comedy, but mostly tragedy... and largely blank spots inbetween.
20 to 30 was pretty ground breaking. Actually getting rid of the apathy of whether I lived or not. That was good. Lots of therapy. Getting off the chemicals. Stepping up to the plate to be a good Mom to my fiance's little boy. LOTS of forward advancement in honor of that little boy.
My 30's were good because I had hit a certain point of wisdom. Went pell-mel into my "career". Stabilized my finances, long term responsibilites... took over the care of my aging mum (which had a lot of triggers and baggage to go with it). But otherwise, my 30's were seriously lacking... because I became so involved in "everything else"... I started losing me somewhere along the way.
Tonight is my last day of being 39. My last day of being "in my 30's". And here I am.... recently finding myself on THIS site and in THIS situation. Gory-sakes and Begora. :rolleyes:
What a surprise. Seriously.
My negative thoughts tell me that I am screwed... being in this place, on the very brink of turning 40.
My stubborness says "OH HELL NO. 40 is the new 30. Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of your life". :rofl:
But no, really. I'm gonna roll with that thought.
Tonight I sucked it up and did my Imagery exercise here. It will be my parting "bravery action" of being "in my 30's".
I mean, what the Hell..... I start EMDR therapy on Thursday.... I might as well get my toes into the water before I head into the...whatever.
Maybe 40 will be magic. Maybe my 40's is when its alllll gonna come together. Maybe a new life will start tomorrow, if I make sure it does.
Maybe.
Maybe I will be embarrassed for posting this.
Maybe not.
The weird thing about being a moderated member is you cant take it back.
Once you hit "submit".... you're screwed. :rofl:
Maybe that's what's best for me.
m1
p.s. I want to start a trauma diary here. Seems I am too chicken to do so right now "in my 30's". Maybe I will get brave, once I'm 40, and do what I ought to do. :crazy: