jaccat
MyPTSD Pro
Reading things on this site are making me recognise things from my past. The incidents I'm going to describe happened a few years ago now.
I used to work on a checkout in a supermarket. I saw plenty of different kinds of customers, from nice friendly ones to right idiots. But not much bothered me. I guess I felt safe behind the till. That was until one night when a man who looked familiar to me started chatting to me while I was serving him. It started innocuously enough, but rapidly turned into a kind of anti-seminist rant about the state of the country and what needed doing to fix it.
What he was saying disgusted me, but aware of my position I kept my mouth shut, only saying what I needed to to serve him.
This clearly angered him and he became more and more persistent to get me to agree with him. He failed.
The next thing I know he requested a private conversation with my manager in which he tried to get me fired. She told me a little about what he said. It became clear to her there was something very wrong. He told her he was an international journalist and I was out to get him!
That seems funny now, but at the time I was left quite shaken.
Two years pass before I see him again: Again I am working at a till when he comes through, this time he's with a woman and a teenage boy.
The man clearly recognises me and starts again, getting right in my face, making inflammatory statements and insisting that I agree with him. His family do nothing. The moment he starts on me I recognised him.
I realise now that I was triggered into a flashback at that point. I slammed on the help button, told the supervisor they needed to get someone to take over me now, then walked off, leaving them with only half their shopping processed.
My supervisor, seeing me bolt, asked if everything was all right. I barked No! and ran for it.
I wasn't thinking. I should have left the shop floor altogether, but was so panicked I didn't think I'd make it that far. Instead I ended up crouched on the floor behind the customer service desk, trying to calm my breathing.
My supervisor found me there some minutes later. She'd been looking for me, and helped me get off the shopfloor. By that time I was giggling hysterically.
Again the man tried to get me fired. When that didn't work he rang the GSM. I don't know what was said, but afterwards my GSM told me if that man ever came near me again I was to leave the shop floor immediately.
The man also rang the company hear office and tried to get them to fire me. The store ended up being forced to send him a letter of apology for my behaviour! My manager was not impressed.
I don't know why he targeted me. As far as I know the store never had any other trouble from him. Clearly he sensed something vulnerable in me. That surprises me. Most people see me as being quite invulnerable on the outside (I'm an expert at presenting a strong front).
Anyway, what I've just realised was that the reason I behaved so uncharacteristically and ran was because I was in a flashback, and the reason I was in a flashback was because the man was a narcissist (as well as being a total nutter). His narcissistic behaviour triggered a massive fear in me stemming from memories of my relationship with members of my family as a child; the way I had to agree with their way of seeing the world to survive, even when it was so twisted as to be dangerous. Realising that makes me feel better about the incident.
I used to work on a checkout in a supermarket. I saw plenty of different kinds of customers, from nice friendly ones to right idiots. But not much bothered me. I guess I felt safe behind the till. That was until one night when a man who looked familiar to me started chatting to me while I was serving him. It started innocuously enough, but rapidly turned into a kind of anti-seminist rant about the state of the country and what needed doing to fix it.
What he was saying disgusted me, but aware of my position I kept my mouth shut, only saying what I needed to to serve him.
This clearly angered him and he became more and more persistent to get me to agree with him. He failed.
The next thing I know he requested a private conversation with my manager in which he tried to get me fired. She told me a little about what he said. It became clear to her there was something very wrong. He told her he was an international journalist and I was out to get him!
That seems funny now, but at the time I was left quite shaken.
Two years pass before I see him again: Again I am working at a till when he comes through, this time he's with a woman and a teenage boy.
The man clearly recognises me and starts again, getting right in my face, making inflammatory statements and insisting that I agree with him. His family do nothing. The moment he starts on me I recognised him.
I realise now that I was triggered into a flashback at that point. I slammed on the help button, told the supervisor they needed to get someone to take over me now, then walked off, leaving them with only half their shopping processed.
My supervisor, seeing me bolt, asked if everything was all right. I barked No! and ran for it.
I wasn't thinking. I should have left the shop floor altogether, but was so panicked I didn't think I'd make it that far. Instead I ended up crouched on the floor behind the customer service desk, trying to calm my breathing.
My supervisor found me there some minutes later. She'd been looking for me, and helped me get off the shopfloor. By that time I was giggling hysterically.
Again the man tried to get me fired. When that didn't work he rang the GSM. I don't know what was said, but afterwards my GSM told me if that man ever came near me again I was to leave the shop floor immediately.
The man also rang the company hear office and tried to get them to fire me. The store ended up being forced to send him a letter of apology for my behaviour! My manager was not impressed.
I don't know why he targeted me. As far as I know the store never had any other trouble from him. Clearly he sensed something vulnerable in me. That surprises me. Most people see me as being quite invulnerable on the outside (I'm an expert at presenting a strong front).
Anyway, what I've just realised was that the reason I behaved so uncharacteristically and ran was because I was in a flashback, and the reason I was in a flashback was because the man was a narcissist (as well as being a total nutter). His narcissistic behaviour triggered a massive fear in me stemming from memories of my relationship with members of my family as a child; the way I had to agree with their way of seeing the world to survive, even when it was so twisted as to be dangerous. Realising that makes me feel better about the incident.