Digz
MyPTSD Pro
I just had the hardest session with my T yesterday. We started looking at a long-held automatic thought of mine that causes a lot of fear and pain - that people hate me.
He asked me about what is underneath that thought, as in what is it about me that makes me feel that way? It was only then I realised I was still believing some very destructive thought patterns I thought I'd progressed past long ago - that I'm fat, ugly, unlikeable, not a good person and dumb. Expressing that was very hard.
My T challenged me to write a compassionate letter to my child-self, as that's when those thoughts were formed. I really struggled with the idea, so he ended up writing one for me to start me off. Just reading what he wrote has effected me so badly. I am so sad and so anxious. I got drunk last night, I was struggling so much. I think I probably need to embrace the sadness for that child, for me, that I'm feeling, that because of my dissociation I've never felt before. But I know that sadness will be so huge that I'm scared and avoiding it a bit, I think.
This is what my T wrote that affected me so much... (I am a teacher, btw, hence the reference to kids in my class)...
Dear Digz
It breaks my heart when I see little kids in my class struggle with big feelings about not being good enough, or smart enough. I know they’re doing the best they can and the idea that they are so bad that they don’t deserve to be happy or loved is awful. I realise that you feel like that too. I see how long that belief and those big feelings have been carried inside me, how hard it makes it for me to feel the love that other people try to give me, the love that I long for so much. And I know I am not a bad person. Bad things have happened to me that I never wanted to happen but I was too small to prevent. That does not make me a bad person. I do the best I can. I try to take care of little kids and dogs and I try to be kind to people. I’m good at some stuff but not good at other stuff. That’s okay. Nobody’s good at everything. I don’t want to carry this heavy story anymore. I like the person I am and I’m going to believe other people when they show me that they like me too. I’m older now and I can protect myself better. I don’t have to worry that being closer to people is dangerous like it was when I was little. I’m safe now and I like the person I have become.
Digz
He asked me about what is underneath that thought, as in what is it about me that makes me feel that way? It was only then I realised I was still believing some very destructive thought patterns I thought I'd progressed past long ago - that I'm fat, ugly, unlikeable, not a good person and dumb. Expressing that was very hard.
My T challenged me to write a compassionate letter to my child-self, as that's when those thoughts were formed. I really struggled with the idea, so he ended up writing one for me to start me off. Just reading what he wrote has effected me so badly. I am so sad and so anxious. I got drunk last night, I was struggling so much. I think I probably need to embrace the sadness for that child, for me, that I'm feeling, that because of my dissociation I've never felt before. But I know that sadness will be so huge that I'm scared and avoiding it a bit, I think.
This is what my T wrote that affected me so much... (I am a teacher, btw, hence the reference to kids in my class)...
Dear Digz
It breaks my heart when I see little kids in my class struggle with big feelings about not being good enough, or smart enough. I know they’re doing the best they can and the idea that they are so bad that they don’t deserve to be happy or loved is awful. I realise that you feel like that too. I see how long that belief and those big feelings have been carried inside me, how hard it makes it for me to feel the love that other people try to give me, the love that I long for so much. And I know I am not a bad person. Bad things have happened to me that I never wanted to happen but I was too small to prevent. That does not make me a bad person. I do the best I can. I try to take care of little kids and dogs and I try to be kind to people. I’m good at some stuff but not good at other stuff. That’s okay. Nobody’s good at everything. I don’t want to carry this heavy story anymore. I like the person I am and I’m going to believe other people when they show me that they like me too. I’m older now and I can protect myself better. I don’t have to worry that being closer to people is dangerous like it was when I was little. I’m safe now and I like the person I have become.
Digz