A change in depression

[Charmd1]

Hi I have CPTSD.
I am accustomed to dealing with chronic depression, exhaustion, panic and anxiety and the multitude of symptoms that accompany this.
All of these things I was convinced if I just push through it one more time it will get better.

But there's been a change in the last few weeks. And I don't know what to make of it.
There is this overwhelming sense of grief that just floods me emotionally. The grief is new for me.
I cant seem to find that push to get over this to being fine again.
Before there was suicidal ideation but now I find myself making more concrete plans.
I have no intention of ending things yet, not for years. But I have started prepping for the occasion.
I have been getting rid of the useless things and organizing the important things.
I'm looking into the assisted death options we have where I live.
I am making arrangements for a D.N.R
I am providing extra training at work to my co workers so someone knows how to do my job.
with family I have been taking pictures and making sure I am in them.
I have been making arrangements for my debt to be taken care of.

I am not ready to leave my kids yet I have to get them to adulthood. I have to stick this out another 8 years. But I am scared.

 

[whiteraven]

But I am scared.

Hi, and welcome!

Do you have a therapist? It sounds like there has been a significant change that you need to talk to someone about. Talking may help you figure out what triggered it and help you manage it.

 

[Charmd1]

Hi, and welcome!

Do you have a therapist? It sounds like there has been a significant change that you need to talk to someone about. Talking may help you figure out what triggered it and help you manage it.

That’s my next step. I am stuck in that cycle of I’ve got to work to survive and can’t afford to take more time off to get to appointments. But if I dont start accessing help again I won’t survive. I saw my doctor today and asked how long I’ve got to suffer before this is considered a disability. Because if I had access to the disability resources I would have time to take care of my needs. As is I have a kid who also has severe struggles with mental health and taking the time off work for her appointments is almost breaking me financially.
Rock and a hard place but I will get this figured out.

 

[whiteraven]

taking the time off work for her appointments is almost breaking me financially.

Could you afford onlnie therapy? There are a lot of pretty good resources online, and I suspect with at least some of them, they work late or on weekends.

 

[Charmd1]

Could you afford onlnie therapy? There are a lot of pretty good resources online, and I suspect with at least some of them, they work late or on weekends.

That’s a good option to look into. I currently can access the free mental health therapists but they are 9-5. My health coverages only has 300 per year for privatized resources that will get me one and a half appointments a year lol. I’m seeing a public health nurse that my doc referred me to so I can access some help navigating resources. Which will be good as I’m in a highly unfocused state right now and even filling out the forms for summer camp was a daunting task.