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A choice between 2 therapists, update & more advice needed

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I have been Googling my issue for the past week and came across this website and then promptly registered. I need feedback that I can't obtain from friends or with the 2 people I'm about to discuss.

Here's my dilemma: I was in residential eating disorder treatment for 3 months, discharged in March. I ended up working with someone higher up in the program and he was/is the most amazing therapist I have ever worked with. I have never worked a therapist that I connected with (in treatment or as an outpatient). He specializes in anxiety and trauma as well as eating disorders. I did amazing work and I credit a lot of that to him.

Prior to discharge I obtained a single case agreement to work with someone outside of my insurance network because of her reputation and my familiarity with her (she was a clinical director of an OP program I attended 4 years ago). She also specializes in anxiety and trauma. When I discharged, I emailed my treatment therapist to give him an update and we had been talking weekly--which was not something I had envisioned when I left. Our conversations were in 30 minute range and one being almost an hour.

A couple of weeks ago I told him something trauma related that he was familiar with, something I did EMDR for. I felt more comfortable telling him than my actual therapist. During this conversation he had pondered if my insurance would do another single case agreement to work with him, since we have the connection I'm not feeling with my current therapist. Well, I researched this after my insurance said no and it was a bit too much. He didn't intend on his suggestion creating a divide and definitely didn't want to be in the way of me working with her. I spent days crying over this and realized that he is getting in the way and told him we should cut back on our communication. He agreed.

In my last conversation with him I inquired if he did private pay as a plan b, in case it doesn't work out with current therapist. He said we would cross that bridge if we got there. I told him I was initially authorized for 10 sessions and that I should know whether or not the current therapist is a good fit or not.

In my mind I have already decided to ask him after my 10th session with her if he will accept me as a client. I feel like he will agree because the only real barrier is his schedule--which can be worked around. The dilemma is that I feel shitty because current therapist sent me an email response today telling me that she has a lot to offer me if I give her a chance. My insurance is not going to be doing any more special favors for me if I stop seeing her and if the treatment therapist doesn't work out. I feel like she doesn't have a chance and I don't know what to do. I am not telling her that treatment therapist accepts private pay or that we are still communicating (I cut back to twice a month).

Six weeks ago I was ready to work with her. I'm just really drawn to the connection I developed with the treatment therapist and want to continue to build from that. I need some clarity or advice from someone who has perhaps been through this. I don't know what to do.
 
Someone who says they have a lot to offer... vs ...someone who offers a lot.

If money weren’t an issue, it’s a clear choice.

Since money IS an issue, and your insurance company won’t authorize outside therapy with the first therapist... is it possible to change insurance companies?
 
Someone who says they have a lot to offer... vs ...someone who offers a lot.

If money weren’t an issue, it’s a clear choice.

Since money IS an issue, and your insurance company won’t authorize outside therapy with the first therapist... is it possible to change insurance companies?

My insurance is through my employer. I have zero qualms paying out of pocket for him. I just don't know if I'm thinking through this with the clarity I need. I like what you said about offering (a lot to offer vs. offers a lot). I feel like I need to give her a chance but he is in the background and available. He would absolutely not want me to give up on her and said as much. I've only had 4 sessions and don't know if I'm not connecting to her because of him. I'm just lost.
 
I see an option which might not make a lot of sense to you though.
You could bring all these thoughts to your current therapist; lay it all on the table. Not to have her tell you what to do, but to let her know of confusion and inner turmoil. Maybe how the two of you together work on this will give you a better feeling of whether she might after all be a good fit for you - or not.
 
I see an option which might not make a lot of sense to you though.
You could bring all these thoughts to your current therapist; lay it all on the table. Not to have her tell you what to do, but to let her know of confusion and inner turmoil. Maybe how the two of you together work on this will give you a better feeling of whether she might after all be a good fit for you - or not.

I would tell her but I don't want her to know that he's even an option for me or that we'll still be communicating. It's a mess. I know I should just be honest but I don't want her contacting him about any of this. I don't need that. I see her on the 13th and 27th and talk to him on the 20th.
 
If you're in the US - she wouldn't be able to do that without you signing a release form allowing her to speak to him on any matter concerning you/your therapy.

There's already an ROI signed with the treatment program he works in. I've asked that she not speak with him and I hope it doesn't get brought up again. He was promoted and is technically not directly associated with the program so I guess I would tell her that in case she asks again.
 
There's already an ROI signed with the treatment program he works in.
You can revoke it. They also clearly state a time limit (expiry) for the release. But more to the point -
He was promoted and is technically not directly associated with the program
If the ROI is indeed with the program, she could only speak with the program representative.

There's a bigger problem here, though -
I would tell her but I don't want her to know that he's even an option for me or that we'll still be communicating.
In my mind I have already decided to ask him after my 10th session with her if he will accept me as a client. I feel like he will agree because the only real barrier is his schedule--which can be worked around. The dilemma is that I feel shitty because current therapist sent me an email response today telling me that she has a lot to offer me if I give her a chance. My insurance is not going to be doing any more special favors for me if I stop seeing her and if the treatment therapist doesn't work out. I feel like she doesn't have a chance and I don't know what to do.
She'll never have a chance unless you prioritize working with her. So long as you maintain that other point of contact, you won't ever begin to build a connection with her. The thing about connection is: when it's useful it's usually forged. It's not a magic trick, it doesn't come about without investing in that other person.

If you've already made up your mind about her - meaning, you aren't going to give her your focus - then you should switch now.

If you're willing to really work with her, my sense based on what you posted is, you'd need to leave off with the other therapist entirely, and by choice, not out of guilt. Starting with a lie isn't going to get you anywhere.
 
I am sensing a lot of stress in choosing, being truthful, feelings of guilt, or maybe even fear, and omitting information to each therapist that may have helped you is making you seem confused. I think the fact you are so torn between two people who want to help you is good but also it is stark that you are afraid to be yourself with either of them fear of being seeing as lying, rejection or maybe even abandonment and disappointment which are all valid but are being exasperated by your indecision almost at paralysis. Since at least one therapist is fully aware of the situation why not ask him to explore this with you without letting both therapist go...pay out of pocket (if it is feasible) until you must to get some firm decision to stay with him or to go with other. I would also, if I were you, challenge if there is some transference (this can usually make everything amplified) going on with the former therapist.
 
UPDATE: I had posted a few months back about a dilemma I was having in deciding to continue to work with current at the time therapist or pursue the treatment center therapist. He decided, after involving multiple people, that he was interfering in me connecting to her so we stopped communicating by phone. I decided not to email him until this past week. I terminated with previous therapist in June and am needing to find a new one. Since treatment therapist is back in the picture I had inquired if his offer to work with him was still on the table and I haven't heard back. If he says it's not possible I have a back up therapist that he actually thinks highly of. My fear is that I will not give him the benefit of the doubt and will compare him to Chris. I fear that he will always be a barrier and I don't want that to be the case. I could really use some advice on how to overcome this barrier. How do I address it? I meet with the potential therapist on Tuesday and I don't want to sabotage it. I feel stuck.
 
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