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A few ponderings from my morning walk...

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WarOfRoses

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I went on my morning walk today. It's a lovely wooded area to walk. Lot's of birds singing, a warm breeze and many different colours of trees and flowers in full bloom. Simple things that I used to enjoy before my mind became frozen in that horrible place in time. I'm usually walking to stave off the feelings of anger and intrusive thoughts that flood my mind in the morning. Today I decided to think about this rationally and came up with a few ideas that allowed the black clouds to part slightly and let a small ray of sun shine through. Just a little.

I heard it was good to wright things down so I thought I would do it here. Not for help or suggestions. I just thought that maybe it can help others in a small way.

My thoughts for the day...

My first negative thought - My abuser got away with it. I am left scared for life and he gets to go on with life as normal.

It came to me this morning that there is not, never was and never will be a person born into this world who wakes up in the morning happy and content with their life and says "You know what, I'm going to go out today and hurt somebody intentionally".
this will sound cliche but the realization came to me this morning, and I mean REALIZATION and not RATIONALIZATION, that anybody who hurts another person intentionally, is deeply unhappy in their own life. These narcissistic personalities who prey on people are just not happy and have a deep need to pull others into the dark room they reside in.

My second negative thought - It was my fault.

I still harbor the idea that I brought the abuse upon myself, therefore I must "take some of the blame". A very common emotion after abuse but we are seldom convinced by words alone. So I thought about something today that made a little more sense to me...

There is difference between FAULT and REASON.

There were things that happened prior to my abuse that if I had done differently the likelihood of this happening would have decreased. For example a woman may have been walking down a street late at night, alone and a little tipsy. A disgusting excuse for a human being sees this as an opportunity to strike and the sexual offense happens. It is very common for the victim to blame themselves for being out late and night alone and drunk. Was this her FAULT?.. Of course not. The blame lay squarely and 100% on the perpetrators shoulders. However, it's OK to accept that there were valid REASONS that the sexual assault played out as it did.

What happened to me should never have happened and I don't take responsibility (I take responsibly to how I respond and handle it) but I do accept fully that there were reasons that such a bad thing happened.

So instead of thinking "I should have done X or shouldn't have done Y" (taking the blame). I'm now thinking "because of X and Y a bad person was able to take advantage of me".


Third thought - REVENGE

I am in no way out of the woods when it comes to revenge. I have revenge fantasies daily and have become tantalizingly close to acting one out. I don't know what's going to happen in this respect but I am leaving them as fantasies for now. My thoughts for revenge fell on the words of a Buddhist monk I follow on YouTube. He said "you can't change the past, and revenge is an attempt to do just that". Also, I'm really not a violent person, physically or verbally. Do I really want to go out and hurt somebody? even if they did hurt me so badly?. Speaking from the comfort of my own home YES, in reality, not really.

I want to try to circumnavigate these dark thoughts that are causing me so much pain. All this anger, hatred and thoughts of revenge. It's burning a hole inside me and I need to resolve it. I'm not going to achieve this if i keep fueling the fires.
 
I heard it was good to wright things down so I thought I would do it here. Not for help or suggestions.
If you don’t want people replying to your threads? Those would be posts to make in your Trauma Diary, which is your own space to work things out, as you like. With the assistance of others, or not. People generally respect the OP asking for space, and if not, simply click REPORT and staff can sort things out. We have 3 levels of Trauma Diaries, each catered to a higher privacy level. If you have any questions about starting one, or which might be best suited to your purposes? Just give staff a wave in Contact Us.

Threads & Posts on the rest of the forum are open invitations to discuss & comment.
 
It's not uncommon sadly your feeling like what you said was taken the wrong way and all the rest. I have been there I can prove it. But you are making the effort and that's life "boiling up inside you".

It might not feel like anything to you or you could misunderstand me, but I pulled myself out of the grave with saying things like you just did. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, I couldn't be more serious.

It's a testimony to the spirit in us that fights back and says, I won't be enslaved by what happened. To see that and hear someone say it, to be with someone's who arrives at it. Stand up and say it out loud.

Thx.
 
My first thought after reading your post is "Wow. If only we could all come to such realizations on even simpler, less traumatic events. What a better world this would be." Great insight and great way to work through this for yourself. I love your candor and openness about your true feelings. I do have one suggestion that may help the revenge a bit. I had a counselor once have me write a letter to my abuser about how what they did made me feel. It took some work to start but then it just came pouring out. We put it aside for one session, then re-read it a week later. It was helpful to do this. Then I took the letter home, and burned it in a coffee can. Kind of symbolic of letting it all go. It was rather freeing. You could do this on your own, if you feel strong enough emotionally. Prayers for guidance and wisdom on your journey.
 
I'm happy for people to reply. That line you quoted came across wrong.
Cool cool! :tup:

My first negative thought - My abuser got away with it. I am left scared for life and he gets to go on with life as normal.
If you haven’t checked out Cognitive Distortions & Core Beliefs? I think you’re gonna love it. Because that’s exactly what you’re doing here, :D with identifying and attempting to change/reframe negative thinking.

Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)
Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts
Negative thinking styles part ii: reframing negative thoughts

that there is not, never was and never will be a person born into this world who wakes up in the morning happy and content with their life and says "You know what, I'm going to go out today and hurt somebody intentionally".
I’d be careful with this one. It’s clearly true for you, that in order for you to want to hurt someone? You have to be miserable. But that’s only one motivation, amongst many, not the only one. As just a few counter-examples? Doctors, soldiers, & cops wake up in the morning, happy and content with their lives, whose plan for the day is to go out and intentionally hurt &/or kill people. There are dozens of other examples, but I picked those 3 because the motivation, and end results are all very different form each other; but all 3 are still more or less on the side of the angels, and all 3 are populated by wildly different personalities. Meaning it doesn’t take a certain “type” of personality (like narcissistic) in order to pursue a career in medicine, military, or law enforcement. Jump into any of the 3? You’ll find every personality type in existence working side by side.

So, rather than using a realization about yourself to try and make sense of other people? Try directing it inwards, instead of outwards. You want to hurt people when you’re not happy and content with your life. You don’t actually want to hurt people, or don’t want to want to. So the solution, there? Is to work on being happy and content in your own life. So that you don’t wake up in the morning wanting to hurt people. Follow the logic chain to make it a useful tool in your own life, rather than a distorted view of the world.
 
I agree with @Friday here. People don’t wake up wanting to hurt people. They always have a choice. You will also find that revenge will not help you move on it will make you fall further down.
 
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