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DID A few questions for those with d.i.d.

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Keen

MyPTSD Pro
I had a couple questions for those diagnosed with DID. I'm really struggling with this, especially accepting it, and hoping talking with others might help.

One thing that bothers me is that I don't remember these switches occuring when I was younger, does this mean I can't actually have it, or I've just become aware of it since being an adult?

And does anyone have something called "co-consciousness"? And do you feel like you must be acting and pretending, because you're watching yourself behave and talk in these ways that aren't you, and so it feels like there's no explanation except that you're putting on a show?

Thanks,
Keen

Oh and one more question: does your experience ever be kinda like watching an engaging 3d (or 100d) movie, and you only notice once you switch back to your normal self that you weren't you? So you were aware the whole time, no amnesia, but its like you couldn't tell it was an alter until you switched back to your main self?
 
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Hi there.

I'm not sure why you are concerned about not remembering the switches when you were younger since most adults with DID don't usually know when they switch or even that they have DID until they receive the diagnosis.

What you described,watching yourself behave and talk in certain ways is what my therapist called depersonalization,not DID,since I was still aware of what I was doing and saying and what was going on around me without losing time.What you described,like a 3D movie, is what my therapist called derealization when I experienced something similar.I don't think they're things that only happen to those with DID,many other mental illnesses can include dissociation too.

From what I know about co-consciousness,I think it's something many with DID work towards and isn't usually something they just "have".

Is it possible that what my T labeled as depersonalization and derealization is what you or your T are labelling as co-consciousness?It makes me wonder how professionals would truly know the difference.Maybe it's just considered co-consciousness if someone has DID?That doesn't seem right though since they're experienced without DID too.And it doesn't seem right that it would be considered an 'alter' during those times for someone with DID but not called that for someone without it.

IDK
 
hi, when you first get diagnosed with DID it's super confusing and things tend to get ... interesting for a bit, so hang in there.

The short version is the answer to all your questions is yes. A lot of times, when I'm out being functional in the world, I'm really just sitting inside watching what happens. Except that's not exactly right but I still have no good idea how to explain it. Its like I'm acting in a role, which I know everyone does but then when I'm done I realize how completely that wasnt me.

I'm not in the best head space right now, but I will try to keep an eye on this thread and answer questions. There's a few others around these parts with DID.
 
And does anyone have something called "co-consciousness"? And do you feel like you must be acting and pretending, because you're watching yourself behave and talk in these ways that aren't you, and so it feels like there's no explanation except that you're putting on a show?
I have co-consciousness. I have been diagnosed with DDNOS (which may be different with this iteration of the DSM).

I just had another episode last night. *heavy sigh* Still pulling myself out of it today. I don't observe myself outside of my body. I seem to go somewhere deep inside and literally can't move my body through the worst of the episodes. I feel like I am faking all of the time. As a matter of fact, there is much inwards chatter in me through these episodes where I am constantly telling myself to just 'get it together. Move goddammit'.

There is a thread out there called Structural Dissociation? that talks with great depth about the difference between DID and co-consciousness.
 
One thing that bothers me is that I don't remember these switches occurring when I was younger....
Neither do I when I was younger. Though I know I dissociated in many ways besides being DID. Though I'm quite aware as an adult.

I am the one who discovered my DID. First another person noticed it in an anonymous group. They suggested I read a book. I immediately saw myself in the book and knew I was DID.

...does anyone have something called "co-consciousness"?
If you mean by co-consciousness that you're aware of your alters and notice when they switch and come out, I have that.

So you were aware the whole time, no amnesia, but its like you couldn't tell it was an alter until you switched back to your main self?
The weird part for me was realizing the main self was not the real me. It took a long time to accept. I am the real me now.

I had that problem you're talking about only in the beginning. As I got to know all the alters within me, and there were lot's of them so it was complicated and complex and a mess at first.

I thought I integrated in 2005/6 to only discover recently that I have more alters.
 
I had a couple questions for those diagnosed with DID. I'm really struggling with this, especially accepting it, and hoping talking with others might help.

It often takes awhile, sometimes a long while, to adjust. Ask as many questions as you need to. Also, one of the books that really helped me if you haven't already seen it is Amongst Ourselves, by Tracy Alderman and Karen Marshall.

One thing that bothers me is that I don't remember these switches occuring when I was younger, does this mean I can't actually have it, or I've just become aware of it since being an adult?

No, I don't remember the "switches" either. As a matter of fact, I don't remember much at all. I do have a vague recollection of a couple of instances of dissociation, when I was outside my body looking down at myself, but what an individual does or doesn't remember varies greatly.

And does anyone have something called "co-consciousness"? And do you feel like you must be acting and pretending, because you're watching yourself behave and talk in these ways that aren't you, and so it feels like there's no explanation except that you're putting on a show?

Ok, so usually co-consciousness is when consciousness is shared between two (or more) insiders/alters. So that means, for example, Elisabeth, one of my insiders, is "out" at work - she is the person in control of the body who everyone sees and talks to - but I am aware of everything she is thinking and saying and doing, even though I am not the one "out" and presenting to the world. (The degree of co-consciousness can vary, also, and it can feel fuzzy or not completely clear)

This is usually a skill you have to practice to get better at, although sometimes you might sense or hear others without having even tried. You need co-consciousness in order to communicate with each other.

I have this with many of those inside. At first, I did feel like I was faking it. Like I was making it all up. And I felt like that for a long time. It was sooo hard. I think this is normal for a lot of people with DID.
 
The weird part for me was realizing the main self was not the real me.

Could you elaborate on this/explain this some more? its okay if you're not comfortable. I just sometimes get the sense that the main me/base me that I always return to isn't the "real" me either, and have never heard of anyone else feeling this way. You could private message me if you want. But its also ok if you can't/don't want to go deeper about this.
 
Thanks @whiteraven , @shimmerz and everyone else so far, for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It really helps to know that others feel/worry that they're faking it, too, that that is normal to feel.
And it helps to understand what co-consciousness looks like for other people to see if it matches up with my experience.

I appreciate the book suggestion as well, I'm big into researching and reading to understand myself and things better.

Thanks everyone, your replies are really helping me out.
 
I just sometimes get the sense that the main me/base me that I always return to isn't the "real" me either
I will give you my take on this.

I don't think that there was a single 'part' of me that wasn't totally invested in keeping my body safe. So whatever part was good at dealing with different 'safety issues' were involved in whatever I was doing at the time, would be the part that was 'out'. One was good at figuring out how to maintain a safe place (although pathologically so), another was good at work, another was a great mother, etc.

However.... because of the nature of my trauma and the time that it happened (infancy) my parts were created, I believe, to keep my body/psyche safe at all times. I think I spent most of my life dissociated because I didn't know how to trust that I would be okay without these 'parts'.

I realized that the base me (or real me), once I moved towards integration (I still have a part that hasn't made it yet), is not so heavily invested in my body.mind safety. The real me takes things as they come without scrambling around trying to figure out which 'part' is best suited to protect me from physical or psychological annihilation.

So, to keep it simple.... the parts can disappear, and the real me can emerge once me and my various parts can trust that there is no need to constantly be scanning to make sure I am not going to die and how to avoid dangerous things.
 
I am often conscious, and that is almost scarier than when I'm not and lose time completely.

This has also been happening my whole life, but it wasn't until I was diagnosed as DID that I really understood that other people didn't live this way (watching themselves work instead of actually working, not being able to remember people or places, etc ...).

You are not alone. We aren't on this site a lot anymore because it feels really hard sometimes now that we know we are DID, but we are listening and supporting as best we can.
 
I was not aware of switching as a child, but I was aware of losing time. I'd be somewhere having a conversation with someone in one room and "wake up" in another. This was observed by outsiders as if I had "gone hysterical" during the time periods I don't recall. I am formally diagnosed with DID, and there are a lot of things that don't feel real about it at first. But now that I have accepted the way that I am I am able to deal much more successfully.
 
I do remember switching through most of my life. I just got used to the weirdness of it and figured I was crazy and did my best to hide it (that is the very simplified version). It wasn't until I read a book a few years ago and was stunned both that the experience is called DID, that there are other people like me who aren't locked away for life in mental hospitals (a threat I often heard from my family), and that there is help for it.

I still feel like I'm faking it much of the time. Except this judgment is coming from some protector parts who are terrified that I (my real self) and others will find out the depth of my issues.

I have a little bit of co-consciousness. It is developing painfully slowly, and is frightening. It is important though, to get stabilized and heal the trauma because trauma can't heal without some degree of it--your real self has to be present to witness and support the traumatized parts.
does your experience ever be kinda like watching an engaging 3d (or 100d) movie, and you only notice once you switch back to your normal self that you weren't you? So you were aware the whole time, no amnesia, but its like you couldn't tell it was an alter until you switched back to your main self?
Yes, sometimes I come out of it and remember. Sometimes I have amnesia. Sometimes I have just fuzzy recollections. The anonymous poster said something about your experience not being DID but being depersonalization and/or derealization. The thing is, with DID there are so many complex and intertwining layers. Often trying to match experience to diagnostic labels ceases to be useful or helpful once you start examining experience closely. In my system, I have parts that "live" depersonalized and parts that live "derealized." So yes, I experience both of these things, but it is DID because it is parts/alters' experiences. And the sensory, cognitive, and emotional experiences of parts are very different from one another, and also very different from the real "me" who is finally coming up for air in my psyche once in a while.
I just sometimes get the sense that the main me/base me that I always return to isn't the "real" me either, and have never heard of anyone else feeling this way.
This is a REALLY important aspect of healing. I have always been aware that the main "me" didn't feel like the real me. I never had any way to articulate it. I just know that I had/have several "main me" bits, and one overarching one of which those bits are a part (YES, I believe from my experience that parts or alters can have their own parts or alters). That "me" was highly functional and is the person my family knew as "me", the person my spouse married, the person who raised my children, the person who earned graduate degrees and made a successful professional career, etc. But that "me" is a part. A major and important part, but a part nonetheless. The real me is quite different, and I am just beginning to learn to tune into the real me more often. It is very hard. But people can get stuck in highly functional parts for decades, or even for their whole lives.
 
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