A life once filled with joy is now 100% without joy or interest in anything

David1959

Learning
I am 61 an adult survivor of childhood sexual assault at 10 which has created numerous issues which you can read about here. After 4 years of putting my demons back in their box the lid is now open :-(

I have been having issues for about 6 months or more and am hoping to start with a new T in October. Bottom line, I have lost all joy and interest in anything. I find that while I have always been considered an upbeat positive person I am now 100% negative on everything. I am trapped in a joyless and negative world without the ability to communicate, even with my wife whom I love dearly.

There is nothing I look forward to or enjoy participating in. I feel like I am basically just existing. I am sure Covid is not helping but my issues preceded the pandemic. I need to find joy again but I suspect that is going to require a very rough journey through my guilt and depression caused by my abuse 50 years ago that is leaking out and poisoning everything.

I am not suicidal because my overriding self preservation drive protects me, as it did 50 years ago but if not for that I probably would be.
 

David1959

Learning
Hi @David1959, sorry that your having a really rough time. Where does the 'guilt' come from? What do you mean by that?

The guilt is allowing my self to be abused and never telling anyone, I know it does not make sense but it is how I feel. I realize now this has manifested itself in my inability to remember joyful times and events but rather I only remeber the things I have done wrong

Know this one well. Too well. Someday, I suspect, I’ll be able to look back at marking time / treading water as some sort of artform. But in the middle of it?

100% when spinning in circles it is hard to find the door
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Sounds like your suffering from bad depression. Have you thought about talking to your docters about medication? Hopefully therapy will help. Try not to feel guilty, you were a child when it happened and weren't to blame. You held no responsibility for what happened and probably just felt to sick to talk to anyone about it. Or felt that there was no one to tell. I have suffered from grooming and abuse and it causes isolation.
 

David1959

Learning
Sounds like your suffering from bad depression. Have you thought about talking to your docters about medication? Hopefully therapy will help. Try not to feel guilty, you were a child when it happened and weren't to blame. You held no responsibility for what happened and probably just felt to sick to talk to anyone about it. Or felt that there was no one to tell. I have suffered from grooming and abuse and it causes isolation.

Thank you survivor3. I had therapy about 4 years ago when I collapsed into a deep depression (first time in my life for either). Medication and T helped me get through but created more questions then it answered. My T retired and I shoved everything back into the box. Now I am starting to have flashbacks again and feel I am in a depression. I am supposed to start seeing a new T next month and hope that will help.

Flashbacks last 1 second that feels like 10 minutes and usually I am floating above myself, I am drugged and there is camera equipment set up but it all disappears before I can see much more other than the fact that it feels like I am drugged. All f'd up and while part of me wants to see further part of me is scared to see or knows that I might not survive the truth?
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I'm glad you found us. First, let me say, it was NOT your fault. It is never the childs fault and you will find that out in therapy.

And you will be supported on your healing journey by so many of us that know exactly how you feel and why you feel that way.

You do not have to do this alone. We are here for you.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Hi welcome. I remembered when I was 40. Now I’m 60. There is nothing easy about it, particularly finding help. I have joy now on occasion. I wouldn’t say I was ever really happy in the past, before I got it out. There was never any normal to return to. But like I always say, I’m not suicidally depressed, which has to be good enough some days. I find this a safe haven. I hope u do as well.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I have lost all joy and interest in anything. I find that while I have always been considered an upbeat positive person I am now 100% negative on everything. I am trapped in a joyless and negative world without the ability to communicate, even with my wife whom I love dearly
I hear you. This is how I felt last year. It got progressively worse. I just was 'not myself'. It was like everything was dampened down. All the usual joy in all the interests and hobbies I had, wasn't there. It was like joy was on mute or pause.
So I started therapy. And it started to get better.

The guilt is allowing my self to be abused and never telling anyone,
I hear this too. This is taking responsibility for what they did. This sounds like a very young child message that you are carrying. I carried it too. I blamed my body and me. But it wasn't you. It never was.

It will all get better. Starting therapy in October is going to really help with all of this. I wish you well.
 

David1959

Learning
I hear you. This is how I felt last year. It got progressively worse. I just was 'not myself'. It was like everything was dampened down. All the usual joy in all the interests and hobbies I had, wasn't there. It was like joy was on mute or pause.
So I started therapy. And it started to get better.


I hear this too. This is taking responsibility for what they did. This sounds like a very young child message that you are carrying. I carried it too. I blamed my body and me. But it wasn't you. It never was.

It will all get better. Starting therapy in October is going to really help with all of this. I wish you well.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. When I previously had gone to a T she said that over and over, you were a child and had no choice, not your fault. While the adult me can certainly understand that argument and that is exactly what I would say to someone, doesn't matter because at my core I will always blame myself.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you for the words of encouragement. When I previously had gone to a T she said that over and over, you were a child and had no choice, not your fault. While the adult me can certainly understand that argument and that is exactly what I would say to someone, doesn't matter because at my core I will always blame myself.
Yeah I get that too. My T has been working with me about where I got this internal message from that it was my fault. To find the origin of that core belief to finally set it right and set it free.
 
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