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A lot i haven’t told my therapist after over two years

Discussion in 'Treatment & Therapy' started by 0smile0, May 22, 2018.

  1. 0smile0

    0smile0 Member

    I think I am just looking for some people to relate really, because not telling people increases the sense of loniliness, but it is hard to share.

    There are a fair few things I haven't told my therapist and I continue to struggle to share anything. I have been seeing her for 2.5 years and I haven't told her about child sexual abuse from an adult and also a young teenage boy. I was younger then 8 and then older then 10 at the time and remember being pretty sexualised. But I am not sure how far this was me exploring my sexulity as a child and how much it was me normalising the abuse.

    Then there is the self harm, which stays with me to this today as I have to daily try and cover the scars. I did it a lot in my youth and on and off into early adulthood including a little bit when I first starting seeing her or even 6 months into seeing her. I said nothing then and say nothing now. I am starting to want to open up more rather then a complete objection to the possibility, but I am so overcome with shame and fear of rejection and judgement, the last thing I want to be seen as is a victium and all the assumptions this stuff comes with, but then I know I won't be able to process it unless I talk it through with someone.

    I left the last session pretty triggered, but also agitated for not having said the stuff I wanted to say.

    It would be good to hear people stories, perspectives etc.
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  3. Sietz

    Sietz I'm a VIP

    Can you write down bullet points and show the piece of paper to her? Or on your phone?
    Via email is good too. They're usually open to that kind of thing.

    What do you think?
    hithere, Chris-duck, 0smile0 and 3 others like this.
  4. MyWillow

    MyWillow Well-Known Member

    I really do empathise.

    Every session is triggering. I start and end every session dissociated. I struggle to even hear my T talk about how valued I am at work.

    I’m fine. Really. I can’t remember why I’ve felt so shit since the last session. Screw my family. Who cares really. Self harm doesn’t include hitting. Does it? And WTF is “sucidial ideation”? I thought everyone thought about wrapping their car around a tree.

    No I don’t want to talk about the flashbacks and nightmares. What’s the point when I have no memory of “trauma”.

    I’ve got a high level, well paying job. Who’s idea was it to go down this rabbit hole anyway?

    Every now and again I blurt something out to my T. Totally beyond my control and fills me full of shame. But kinda relieving in the same space.

    Be kind to yourself eh. There’s no timeline to this shit.
    hithere, 0smile0, Sietz and 1 other person like this.
  5. somerandomguy

    somerandomguy Learning how to be myself Premium Member

    After my abuse (which I sustained as an adult), I went to therapy. It took me 18 months to reveal anything about my abuse to my therapist. She literally had no idea since I went in for depression and told her almost nothing about my previous abusive relationship. And it's taken 15 years after the actual abuse for me to actually buckle down and really work on getting better. So everything happens in its own time.

    As a CSA survivor, it makes complete sense that you are having trouble opening up. You've been hurt badly by the people in your life that you were supposed to trust. Your therapist is just one more person that you feel like you should be able to trust - but of course that hasn't gone well for you in the past, so it's safer not to say anything.

    I get it. Try to be as compassionate to yourself as you can. The fact that you WANT to talk about it, and that you know that you'll eventually have to open up in order to get better, is really good! Maybe that's as far as you can go right now. Keep working, but try to be gentle with yourself. This stuff is really, really hard. Just talking about it here on this board is a huge win for you!
    Last edited: May 22, 2018
    0smile0, Sietz and MyWillow like this.
  6. piratelady

    piratelady Not Broken Premium Member

    I think I went through like 4 therapists before I found one I connected with, trusted, and didn't push me too hard too fast. That being said, I still waited a bit before I told him about my self-harm. Eventually though I just really wanted to get it out, but couldn't seem to say it in therapy. Eventually I emailed him like Sietz suggested. Then he brought it up in our next session. I knew he would when I sent the email and I was so nervous before my next appointment. He didn't shame me or tell me I couldn't do it anymore. He just tried to understand it and give me different ways to cope. I will say, I felt so much better afterwards, like a huge weight had been lifted.

    When I relapsed and started cutting again a few weeks ago, this time I was able to tell him verbally. He didn't tell me to stop or that I was wrong for starting again. He just recognized it as how I cope and has been trying, at the same time, to reinforce better coping strategies. All in all, if you have a good therapist, you will feel better for having told them in time.
  7. Rumors

    Rumors I'm a VIP

    @0smile0 What if you started out by saying, "There are quite a few things I haven't told you that bring me to therapy. I am not able to list them out today, but I would like to try and address them. However, given that I have been coming here 2.5 years and am just bringing it up, this isn't going to be easy." You have then put it out there and instead of it being a secret it turns in to a goal.
    On another note, I was literally in therapy 4 years before I could talk about my csa and I still kind of suck at it. Lol. I fumble through it but it doesn't carry the same shame it once did and I get better at it each and everyday. Just know that you aren't graded on how you bring it to the table, but just getting it there is important. It may feel impossible, but I assure you that you can do it. When you think of it in the respect of being able to put that part of your life away and not allow it to run you any longer then you will become more eager to get it resolved. Don't let the shame be your guide.. good luck!
  8. Need to vent

    Need to vent Guest

    Why cant i tell my therapist.
    Im ashamed and embrassed. I feel like a idiot
    My step grandfather kind of took care of me when the rest of my family wasnt around.
    In the back of my mind i always felt like he used to do stuff to me but i ignored it because I really have no where else to go.
    Whenever i didnt want to be at one of my foster homes i go to his apartment and spend the day or night over there. I would go after school or on the weekends. Sometimes my aunt or my mother would be there. But he never did anything to me when i was older. It makes it worse because i feel like he thought that he got away with it n he did. How could he smile in my face knowing what he used to do to my brother n i

    I also found out that not only did he molest my brother and I but I was being raped by a few ppl in the neighborhood.. n i would run away. Thats why the police got involved and put me in foster care. The whole time I thought it was because my grandmother got too sick to take care of me. But no she knew what was going on n turned a blind eye. It hurts more that when I got older I reconnected with them with her n the rest of my family and my step grandfather. And none of them said anything to me. Especially about my step grandfather. They let me be around him. I hate all of them.
    Oh God I dont know how to feel. I love him he my grandfather but yet I hate him. N this hurts so much. The pain n betrayal that I feel is real. I feel like a piece of me has died n I'm tainted and dirty.
    I don't know how I can the past this...
    I lost it the other day. My friend thought I should check myself into the hospital and text my therapist. But i told him that wasnt necessary.

    I dont know what to do. I don't know how i will move past this.
    All this time i thought that this was all in my head. But to learn that it wasnt hurts me even more. I cant even look at ppl the same anymore. I see little kids on the street and get tears in my eyes because im wondering if anyone at their home is hurting them n i prey that isnt true.

    Everything about me makes since. Why i have a hard time giving hugs why i dont enjoy sex n zone out. Why i cant tell ppl that i love them. Even to the point where I'm questioning my sexually

    I just don't know what to do.
  9. Rumors

    Rumors I'm a VIP

    I get it...it was my uncle. I felt the same shame and embarrassment. I can't tell you it is easy, but anything that brings you shame must come out. Don't carry that... you don't deserve to carry that burden alone. Sorry.
    Still Standing likes this.
  10. Still Standing

    Still Standing I'm a VIP

    I am sorry you had to experience child sex abuses. Many of us have and we understand the shame of it. But....you really do need to tell your therapist about it. It will not be embarrassing or upsetting for the T to hear about this...the Therapist has heard many other clients share similar abuses. And the T is trained to help you through this pain. The T cannot adequately help you if you do not tell him some of the source for your ongoing angst and strife which stems from these memories. It's like you have been seeing a doctor for pain but for 2 1/2 years, you have never told him it was in your abdomen and he has been focusing on your foot. In order to get better, the whole spectrum of your abuses and traumas need to be discusses in treatment. I really hope you can begin to open up and share that you were sexually abused. You deserve to heal fully. I know it is hard. It is embarrassing. But, it is needed. What I did, I wrote out a short note and then made a list of the abuses I have been through, including the sexual abuses. Then I sent the note to my therapist. This way, the information was shared and I did not have to speak it. And it gave my psych don the info he needed to help me face it all. I hope you are able to decide that it is time to go forward in your care. Keep us posted. We will walk with you through the tough spots, if you want.
    piratelady and 0smile0 like this.
  11. 0smile0

    0smile0 Member

    Thanks for the replies. I think by acknowledging there remains stuff that is unsaid is a good starting point and slowing referring to bits and pieaces it might help. But what about oversharing. What is that. I remain constantly scared that I am over sharing... Thats a fear that leads to not sharing at all!
  12. Rumors

    Rumors I'm a VIP

    Nothing that has relevance is oversharing in therapy..period. If it is something that you are still trying to figure out then you should make room to bring it up in therapy. It just is what it is...
    0smile0 and somerandomguy like this.
  13. piratelady

    piratelady Not Broken Premium Member

    I used to worry about this too. Today I just let it all out and I will say it was great, in a sense. He just took notes, asked a few questions, made many more notes and was so accepting. I think this is the one place you that oversharing doesn’t exist.
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