A new beginning

[Jade-]

It's been quite a few years since I have posted publicly on this site.I have been coming here at times but just to post in my private diary.Things have been rough lately and I am highly symptomatic,so I decided it's time to become active again.

I left my husband recently.I won't go into all the reasons why except to say he also has PTSD but refuses to seek treatment.Since leaving I have been caught between the past,my childhood,and the present.I try to focus on the here and now but my mind keeps wandering back.

Even though I am the one who left him,at times I feel like an abandoned,abused child,and so hopeless and helpless.

 

[AnD]

Hi, my partner broke up with me today.

It takes guts to be able to deal with memories.

 

[Jade-]

I'm sorry your partner broke up with you AnD.

As far as the memories go,I worked through all my traumas in therapy for quite a few years.I don't really have flashbacks anymore but I do get flooded with memories when triggered and have to deal with the aftermath.And that's what's been happening since I left my husband.

 

[AnD]

I'm sorry your partner broke up with you AnD.

As far as the memories go,I worked through all my tr...

I get flooded like that when my body is under stress.

I just recently found out that just the feeling of adrenaline in my body is a trigger for me, which leads to flooding of memory/flashbacks.

Perhaps this is happening to you? You are feeling stressed which is a trigger, which leads to more stress and flooding?

 

[Jade-]

You're probably right AnD.Things have been extremely stressful lately.My entite world has been turned upside down.I left with pretty much nothing except my clothes,I have absolutely nothing,no money,no car and no where to go.I don't even have a job.If it wasn't for the couple that are allowing me to stay with them I would be homeless.

It's all a very long story how I ended up in the situation I'm in.I went from having a big home and a few cars to having nothing.I believe everything that has happened has triggered those old feelings and memories again.I really don't know what I'm going to do or where I will go and that makes me feel like a helpless child.

I'm feeling ok today though,besides a sickening anxiety.I can deal with that though,I'm no stranger to feeling anxious.I do feel like I will figure something out though and everything will be ok.

Tomorrow or even later today I could feel totally different but right now in this moment I'm fine.

 

[Freida]

I'm so sorry for both of you -- this is so sad....

 

[Jade-]

Yesterday wasn't a good day at all.I went back to the house to pack a few things and had major anxiety the whole time.I rushed as fast as I could to get the hell out of there.

I had a meltdown afterwards and it took about an hour for me to be able to get up off the couch.It left me feeling mentally and physically drained and I just wanted to sleep the rest of the day but didn't.

It's not him that made me so anxious.It was old feelings from way back when.He just happens to trigger those emotions by existing.

I have asked him to start counseling with me.Whether we get back together or divorce there's so much we need to work through.We will always be a part of each others lives since we have kids and grandkids and we need to work out our differences so we can be around each other.

We trigger each other and it always creates chaos.

 

[Jade-]

Does every person deserve a second chance?

My husband wants one.He has started treatment for his substance abuse issues and is seeing a psychiatrist now too.He wants me to get back into therapy and plus us go to marriage counseling.

I don't know what I want to do.I told him I can't make a decision anytime soon.That what he needs to focus on right now is getting clean and sober and then go from there.

 

[Freida]

I don't know what I want to do.I told him I can't make a decision anytime soon.That what he needs to focus on right now is getting clean and sober and then go from there.

I think that was a great answer. let him focus on his issues, you focus on getting back where you feel good, then you can regroup at a later date and see if it's worth talking about

 

[Jade-]

It's been awhile since I have posted here.I have been posting in my private diary and have decided it's time to reach out to others.

I really don't want to share many details here so I'm really not sure how helpful it's going to be,but I still have to try.

I am a mess.A complete mess and I am close to going inpatient.I will start there...

 

[Jade-]

Hubby and I are back together.But honestly IDK how it's going to work with both of us having PTSD.

 

[Jade-]

Yesterday I spilled an entire iced coffee,it fell out if my hand onto the floor.Hubby said very loud "awww Jade" in a scolding way as if I was a child.It pissed me off.I cleaned the mess and told him I didn't appreciate him scolding me like a kid.He denied doing that,denied raising his voice,changed the entire story of what actually happened and it turned into this huge argument.Over spilled coffee!

We said some pretty horrible things to each other and then I ignored him the rest of the day and slept on the couch last night.

He likes to pretend things like this don't happen.We never make up,we never talk about things,we never resolve anything. He got up this morning and acted like everything is perfectly fine.I want to be like "hey,maybe we should talk about that ridiculous argument yesterday" but I know it will just cause another argument.He will just say I like to bitch,I like to argue,I never let anything go.

These ridiculous arguments are escalating and something has to change